What is the etiquette regarding wedding gifts and shower gifts and party gifts?

Question

I am in my mid 20s and lots of my friends are getting married, but one thing that is really bothering me is that all of them are expecting gifts, expensive gifts, not just at their wedding showers, but at their engagement parties, their bachelor/bachelorette parties and then also at their actual weddings. When I was growing up my parents taught me that a gift at the shower or at the wedding itself if you weren't invited to the shower was good etiquette, but my boyfriend get so embarrassed when everyone else brings gifts to every occasion and I insist that we are fine. Are we wrong for not bringing $50+ gifts to every event or are our friends wrong for expecting gifts at every event surrounding the wedding?

To add to the earlier details, are showers and weddings 2 separate events requiring 2 different gifts off of the couple's registry? Typically everyone brings a registry gift to the showers, and then another to the wedding. At the bachelorette showers invitations go out with requests for lingere and "gifts meant to be enjoyed on the honeymoon" and for the bachelor parties bottles of liquor or adult themed gifts... It adds up when you consider we all for the most part just finished school and my boyfriend and I are both still in school (PhD studies) without full time employment.

One last thing, I don't even live in the country (I go to a university abroad), but I still get invites and send gifts, as if the situation wasn't complicated enough. Answers for my specific situation and in general for people who do attend all of the events are appreciated.

Answer 1

This is what Miss Manners has to say on this issue: (link below for full article)

" But the innovations that are most widely followed, even by those who resent them, are vulgar, impractical or nonsensical — and almost always expensive. Here are some that Miss Manners refuses to sanction:

* That "wedding" is a collective noun referring to a long series of events — minimally including an engagement party, numerous showers, bachelor and spinster (Miss Manners is incapable of saying "bachelorette") parties, a rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, a dinner, a dance and the next day's brunch — until everyone concerned has been worn to a frazzle. And that they all require presents.
Only the ceremony and a celebration immediately after have the full sanction of etiquette; the rest is for those who have the stamina. A true engagement party is one at which the bride's father announces the engagement as a surprise, and showers are solely at the discretion of friends."

Answer 2

Since you will not be attending the events, a gift for the wedding is proper. You generally only give gifts to the other parties only if you attend them

Enegagement parties are gift optional events, and it is in very bad taste if the couple register and expect gifts for them and also if they do a formal gift opening at the party. So you are not wrong there. An engagment party is to toast the happy couple and wish them well.

Showers are gift events, thats why they call it a shower, you shower the girl with gifts to help her set up house.

Bachelorette parties around where I live are gift free events, the party is a gift that is split by all who attend, but if you arenet expected to pony up the cash to help pay for the party I dont see why it would be too bad to get a little gift for it, since thats the intent of the party.

A wedding is also gift optional, but its not uncommon to bring a gift, in fact I think gift giving is more common than not.

Yes, this can all add up, but in no way do you have to spend a certain amount for each event. An engagement deserves a card of good wishes to the couple. A shower a gift from her registry, but if that stuff is too expensive for you then you are not required to shop of a registry, they are only suggestions. A pretty frame for their wedding picture would be enough. The bachelorette, you dont have to give lingere, maybe a care package of sunscreen and aloe if they are going to a warm destination or two coffee mugs and some nice flavored coffee to drink their first morning as husband and wife.
The wedding you can bring a gift to or not. A card is a must though. We give money for weddings where I am from, but if its tradtion to give actual gifts in your area maybe a nice photo album for the pictures that everyone will be giving them from personal cameras. By no means do you have to go overboard with money spending.

I will say this, there is a bright side to all this gift giving, when you get married you will get the same treatment from all these girls in return, so thats a silver lining.

Answer 3

You need separate gifts for shower and wedding; I've never heard of gifts for the bachelor/ette parties, unless it's something small and meant as a joke. If you do not attend a shower, you do not need to send a gift unless the bride is someone you're very close to. If you do not attend the wedding, you should still send a gift, though not as expensive. As a bride, however, I do not expect gifts from those who are not attending. (I know some do...I've heard complaints before, which is ridiculous to me.) Engagement parties, I always thought, were meant to be small....a party for the wedding party and close family. A small gift would suffice.

For your situation, cash in a card would be very suitable. If that is not something you want to do, you can order gift certificates online or order gifts to be shipped to the recipient.

As always, the amount of each gift/donation depends on you....how close are you to these people and how much can you afford. If you are close enough that they know your finances (not exact $ amounts, but they know your situation) they will be happy with $5 and a heartfelt note. Some would even be thrilled with just the note. I would!

So, yes, separate gifts for the wedding and shower are appropriate. Just keep them within your budget.

Answer 4

I was always around trampy bachelorette parties silly gag gifts, I am a little older than you but I do not agree that your friends are expecting gifts at every event , I do know from attending wedding receptions that a lot of gifts was actual money. A traditional wedding is broken that the brides family pays for the actual ceremony, and the grooms family is supposed to pay for the reception. My roomate in college is the only person I know that had that family support . I assume a lot of your friends use gift registries at the nicer department stores for nice things for their new home. Talk to people you know who are going to be there . I would go in on one really nice gift with your boyfriend to present at the reception or if you feel comfortable doing it money is a much appreciated gift at a wedding, do not feel pressured even though it is a special occasion but it is supposed to be fun and it your not enjoying the experience sit a couple out send a gift or equivelant unless you are a member of the wedding party . My parents have been married for 38 years and they eloped , ran away for valentines weekend , its all that garbage they play on TV . I think your doing the right thing

Answer 5

It is very common to bring a gift to a shower and another to a wedding. I have never given a gift at a bachelorette party. Engagement parties are also occasions where gifts are given. YES! It can get to be nuts, especially if you're in your 20's without a good income!

If you do not plan to attend these events in person, 1 gift for the wedding itself is appropriate, IMO. An invitation is not a bill.

Answer 6

Shower and wedding gifts are expected if you are invited to both events. They do not have to be expensive gifts. Many times, the thought and creativeness of the gift means more than the cost. As to engagement and bachelorette parties, I don't know that they are expected but a small token would be nice.
The most meaningful wedding gift I received 29 years ago was a small pillow embroidered with:
"A wedding is an event. A marriage is an achievement".

Answer 7

Go to a SECOND HAND STORE or get them something simple like a poem about love in a fancy picture frame!
I think they are not expecting these expensive things, maybe only hoping....However, if they are then they are not your true friends. These gifts are meant to help a new family because the wedding is so expensive for them to begin with, so anything you can give them to help out with that is good enough. If they are totally well off to where to wedding and new home will not break them, they should be more considerate of the fact that you are attending several different weddings...that adds up!!!

Answer 8

Engagement parties are not gift giving occassions - - so they were totally in the wrong to include registry info with that invitation and to give you the notion that a gift was expected or even appropriate for that situation. Bridal Showers are gift giving occassions and it is normal to include registry info in there. The bridal shower is a separate gift giving occassion from the wedding. The wedding itself is a gift giving occassion however it is rude to include registry info in this invite (although if the couple was crude enough to include it with the engagement party invite, expect to see it in the wedding invite). So, to sum it up, if you attend all 3 events you should only give 2 gifts - - shower & wedding.

Answer 9

Gifts are not required, they are from the heart. They are what you can afford and want to give.

That said, I want it to be known that there is no etiquette rule in existence on the planet that says you must cover your plate and that of your guest, and put a cherry on top. That idea was spread around by a cheapskate bride and groom, or an internet joke, and picked up on as fact by the gullible and greedy. You should be invited to a wedding because you are wanted there, and if you feel it is for a financial purpose, you should not attend.

Answer 10

your friends are a little cheesy if they're insulted our gift doesn't cost enough.
at a wedding, it's customary the gift covers the cost of the party per head (say the caterer's charging 100 per head for dinner at the wedding hall) plus $50 per person - so if it really were $100 per head, your gift from you and a boyfriend would be at least $300. (100 +100 + 50+50)--- and that's onnly because a lot of couples are paying for their own weddings these days-- if parents are footing the bill, a min. of $100 is o.k. if you can't afford more
as far as shower, engagement, etc., those are all "thought that counts" gifts. if it's useful (like a gift for the house) or thoughtful (like a keepsake for their first house/wedding album, etc.) your friends shouldn't care about the price tag. it's rude to have a party just to collect gifts