I'm really depressed, thinking about death, anyone help?

Question

Nothing rational, I've tried rationalizing myself out of this hellhole.

Everyone and everything is going to die. I'm going to die, my sister is going to die, my mother, my father, my boyfriend, my cat, trees, birds, worms.

I'm angry at my parents, for making me exist in the first place when it's pointless and is just going to end.

I'm scared, because I'm an agnostic atheist. I've examined every other viewpoint but I just end up there. I don't think there's an afterlife but what if there is? I don't think I'd be bothered at all if I truly believed in a deity, that I was going to live forever.

I wish I hadn't been born in the first place. I'm only 15 and I've been going to bed every night, wishing I won't wake up because I just don't feel like existing anymore. My life is great. I'm healthy, my family loves me, my boyfriend loves me, I have an education. Doesn't matter, because I'm just going to die.

I can't stop thinking about it.

What I'm really terrified of, and I know I can't avoid, is the process of dying. Feeling myself shut down, and being conscious for that moment right before I stop and the world goes on without me.

Normally, I'm a nihilist hedonist. Doesn't matter, so have fun. A time limit doesn't invalidate it. I don't care.

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die.

I would give anything to believe in God, but I don't. I just don't. And I'm not going to, don't try to convert me, I've tried to convert myself but it just doesn't work in my head.

This isn't really going to do anything at all, maybe it will get deleted, who knows. I'd call my boyfriend and talk to him but I can't get to a phone.

I'm not going to kill myself.

How can I distract myself?

I've tried:

Sleeping
Reading -all kinds of stuff, no philosophy, nothing morbid-
Listening to happy music
Playing Pokemon and Advance Wars on my DS
Drawing
Writing
Running
Talking to cat

In about half an hour I'm going to see if my mom is awake and see if getting a hug changes anything. I know it won't.

I'm going through my life, which is pretty good, but there's this core of depression that doesn't go away.

I also have seriously doubted my sanity and the reality of my senses in the past, so I think I'm just screwed.

I guess I really needed a sympathetic or at least apathetic ear, sorry to waste your time.

Oh yeah, I also worked on the penultimate stage of my model, cleaned my room, and worked out a big epic story of my expedition to get some carrots, but I'm still stuck in this rut.

Answer 1

heya, there are many sites that have helped me through depression (which i have had since 12) and through those sites alone, they have given me the strength and realization that yes we all die, but we are here, and we are here to make the best of what is here and what we have ect.. the sites are down under source part, you will meet alot of friendly and also trained people to help you, especially when you are at your worst (trust me, at 4 in the morning, there is always someone there) :D hope this helps is some way...also with religion, its all free choice and experiences....i have experienced enough spiritualy to know there is exsistance outside this place we are (life, lol) if you study more, you may find a belief, or at least the knowledge that there may be more than this....(i know its a bit of a ramble, sorry) hope all works out for you ~blessed be

Answer 2

You haven't tried meditation yet, which provides a way of being where you simply experience, rather than constantly think about thing, or obsess, as you have been doing. See http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on page 2, and try all the methods shown, as one will suit you best. Read the whole page. Your time to go is not for many, many years, and in that time you can make a significant contribution to the society which supports you, have many experiences, and a lot of fun and pleasure, maybe even have children later. Without death, there would be no room for the newly born. It is implicit in quantum physics (without which we would not have transistors, or personal computers) that for every outcome of any event in this universe, there is an alternate universe where the other outcome occurred, so in some of them, you are already dead, or disabled, or were never born. It goes far deeper than that, but this forum is not suited to expounding such views, but, as an atheistic scientist, I was, to put it bluntly, absolutely dumbfounded to realise that, merely by considering evolutionary scenarios from the probability states of the first self replicating molecules, to where we are today, leads inevitably to the understanding that it bears a remarkable similarity to the Rastafarian way of thinking: i.e. - that I am you, and also everyone else on the planet, all at the same time, not in any mystical, or religious way, but a considered, rational and logical one. Therefore I/you/people continue on indefinitely. So let's take care of the planet, because those coming generations: they are you and me. A sobering thought, indeed, coming from and intended for a member of the 2 biggest per capita polluters in the world, Australia and America.

Answer 3

Isn't ****** up what our mind dose to us? It seems like yesterday when me and all my friends where thinking the same thing. The main thing you need to do to help is change your focus of mind. From the negitive to the positive. Yep I said that and now I feel old. If death is playing on your mind that much maybe you should think like this "Yep I'm gonna just die one day...So...I better enjoy it while it last." I'm not give you the excuse to go crazy, but the reason to put more thought in doing thing, becuase as you said. Just don't miss out on life.

BTW I had that deal with I had everything going great in my life and I wanted to die. Then one day I looked at the people I knew and realised, I had the life they wanted, so I tried to make sure they lived a great life, but trying to give them the imporant things.

Don't worry the rut will end...Turn on some music and enjoy the ride.

Answer 4

How long have you been feeling like this? If as long as you can remember, it is partly the way your mind is made up. If for a few months or a few years, there could be some chemical changes in your brain, leading to this depression.

OK, you need not believe in God and I won't try to convert you. But think logically. Yes, all will die at one time or another. Any thing created has to die. And anything which is created has to have a Creator! That too is inescapable logic. Do you think that your parents created you! They created a single fertilized cell! Is that you? Are you your body? Your body has been changing from the time it is born, but is your concept of yourself changing?

From another angle, while all of us are going to die, we all try to live as happily as possible during the life. Whether we have after life or not is not material for this attempt at happiness. Afterlife affects our ethics, morals etc., in the sense that we are afraid to hurt others for fear of retribution in the after life even if we were lucky to escape in this life.

You are very intelligent for a girl of 15. True philosophy does not ask you to become a believer of any God or Guru.

I will be happy to discuss these and other aspects with you. Email me. Best wishes and blessings (from an elder).

Answer 5

I think everyone goes through a degree of what you are feeling now. Fear of death is normal, and because no one in our society ever likes to even mention it, it becomes a real taboo, and the fear is heightened.

I think your obsession with death is becoming unhealthy, in that it is affecting your day to day life and causing you severe depression. Or it could be the depression is causing you to become obsessed with death... Either way, you need to go get help. Sounds obvious, but it can really help. Go see a doctor and tell him all of this. He may refer you for counselling, or prescribe medication.

Soon enough, you will see that what you have is worth living for. It sounds like you have a great life, and you know this. Yes, it will all end in death one day, and that is a terrible thought, and something we all have to face, but this wont happen for a long time yet.

I don't know what the true meaning of life is. For everyone it is different. For me, it is having my children. I know now I have them, that this is what I was meant to do. I don't think about the fact that one day they will die too, because that is too sad and destructive. Life for me has thrown all sorts of ups and downs at me - health problems, an autistic son. All of those things have made me into the person I am today. I have made mistakes and learned from them.

I now volunteer. I like to make a difference in other peoples' lives. Life is so very short and so very precious. You will learn to embrace it. Once you see what you, as a small insignificant person on this huge planet, can actually do, you will learn to love life. Travel, see the world. You are only 15, and the world is out there waiting for you. Don't analyze too much. Just do it.

Answer 6

You shouldnt look at life in that aspect. Yes, we are goin to die but before then enjoy everything that you have. Ive learned that.

When I was 18 i started experiancing panic attacks. They got to the point to where i missed a month of school and i just slept all day. I feared being awake because i did not want to go through another episode. I wanted to die and thought about it everyday. I started praying and found God. He has helped tremendously. Im not trying to convert you or tell you to go to God, because im totally against that, but just give prayer a shot. Ask for help. It will come.

If you feel as if it hasnt throught prayer or God then talk to your friends or your boyfriend. You have so much to live for and the best of your life is yet to come. You want to live for your first year of college, your graduation, getting drunk, parties..... but please get some help whether it be God or Zoloft.

Answer 7

All great books and movies have an ending, too. Why read or watch if they're just going to be finished?

I understand what you're going through; I've been depressed in my life, too. 15 is a rough time, but even though it sounds cliche, things will get better.

What helped me? Knowing that if it's all going to end, that I have the power to do what I want while I live. You have the power to be anything you want. Do the things you enjoy. Make your life worth living. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends. Don't let opportunities pass you by, and take risks. Live safe, live happy, and live long.

Answer 8

Lol, you sound like me when I was younger, and I'm sure many other people have been there and done that. But think of it this way. Since you don't want to die also at the same time, why not try to enjoy life. Think of what truly makes you happy. I know deep down inside, something does make you happy. Go for the gold and don't look back, always look forward to the future.

Answer 9

I was just like you when I'm your age. Then, I realised life is in fact so beautiful. You got a bf how lucky, you can always talk to him about everything. Do things together. Go places together. Now I am an advanced lung cancer patient waiting to die and oh how I hated the thought of it. I pray and thank God for giving me a brand new day, each day and I live my life to the fullest. I never wasted any time on thoughts of death. It always happens when we were young we always have this dying thoughts. But when you have reached past middle age, you realise life is just beginning. Treasure life, love it, live it!!

Answer 10

I think it's sort of natural to fear death.
Not to try and sound like a wisened old man, but at 15 nothing is set in stone for you.

I used to fear death, but I don't anymore (I am Christian). But if you don't have thoughts like the ones you're having now then I don't believe you'll be a complete person.
Everyone I've known has feared death.

I say this, make the most of the days that you have (chances are those are many) and continue to experience and enjoy life.
Don't let your fear of death stop you from living!

BD