Please advise me.?

Question

I will try to be brief because I know sometimes its boring to read a lengthy post.

I have a mother who is mentally ill. When I was a young child she was very abusive to me. She went as far as to throw a knife at me once. As I grew up at one point I was placed in a foster home. I never stopped loving my mother and I NEVER hated her. I always knew she was sick. Though the wounds were deep. When I became an adult and got married , both my husband and I have taken care of her every need. She lives in her own place but stays at my house alot. I am kind to
her and go above and beyond trying to do for her. I dont know
if all mental ill people are this way but she is extremely mean to me. She says things to me that you cannot imagin. I try to
always be practical and realize that she is ill but it does effect
me no matter how hard I try. I am starting to realize it has a large part in making me feel bad about myself and guilty all the time like I can never do things good enough.

She wants all of my attention and hates my husband with a passion. She wants to be with me day and night and gets mad anytime anyone else gets any of my attention.......I have children and she is verbaly abusive to them sometimes too. I feel like I cant take it any more. I cant bring myself to abandon my own mother but I feel I cannot be around her any more. PLease give me some insight or advice. t hanks

they change it all the time meds and whats wrong. One year its this one year its that.....I have spoken to her doctors several times, even cried once, they just dont help me at all.

I dont know how much accountability I should place on her either, I mean are all mentally ill people mean? Is that an excuse? I really just dont know.

Riegan, no one in my family will help me, they only call me and attack me and tell me how I should be doing things better and perfect. I know I SOUND awful right now and I am really not a bitter person , I am just wore out and tired.

Thank you for all of your advice.
This was very difficult for me to share.

I am sorry I didnt feel right voting on this, you guys vote. Thank you again, for the thought and time you all put into the answers.

Answer 1

Well, I hate to say this, but you should hire someone to take care of her until you get done raising your kids.

Just make sure she's not getting abused. Even in America, you have to be careful where you leave your loved ones. Some of the facilities have crooked employment, so you have to be careful. (Just a week ago, there was male caregiver who worked in a mental hospital near my area that raped one of the patients.)

When you kids are in their teens you should consider bringing her back into their lives.

With people that sick you really can't do anything but tolerate or abandon.

Answer 2

She needs to be in a separate environment. This is not healthy for you or your family. You are allowing her to do the same to your own children for crying out loud. I know it is mental illness and yes it is too bad. My Mother was mentally ill and tried to kill my Dad and my whole family growing up. She is still alive but, she has Alzheimer's real bad but, your Mother needs to be somewhere else and you need to be firm with her and JUST SAY NO, if she gets mad too bad and know that it is just the mental illness doing it. Be nice to her and visit her but, do not enable her to be abusive

This is not the Mother that you love. This is the mental illness. Pray for her and ask the Lord not to hold anything that she has done against her but get away.

I know all about the rest of the "family". I am one of ten children and I watched over my Dad for 9 years with Parkinson's disease. Everyone has all kinds of ideas and plans that "YOU CAN IMPLEMENT" but nobody volunteers to help. At one point I got yelled at for even asking. I think it is just some strange phenomenon. Every family, it seems, one person gets the grace to be put in this position and then you just gather Heavenly Brownie points until it's over. I just kept thinking "I am the servant of the Lords" I figured if there wasn't some reason why this was going on then, I wouldn't be doing it.

Answer 3

Bless your heart, it's a really hard sitution you are in.
You musn't let your mother come between you and your family and your children should not be subjected to the abuse. I would suggest you mom be placed in a facility so she can have 24 hour care.
Don't feel guilty about anything, you have done nothing wrong. She is sick and needs some professional care. email me if you want to talk further. Will be praying for you.

Answer 4

believe it or not, you are on common ground.. the truth is unknown but alot of speculation may be harmful.. I have some unique theories that may fit into your family that might help. no guarantees. First, look at your mom's diet. starngely enough her behavior can be nutritionally influenced. 2nd it sounds like u r the only stability ur mom has, u r like her partner. something she probably never has had that was any good. that explains the hostility towards ur family. so, my 1st idea is to go to www.shaklee.com I know this sounds crazy, but it really works.. look at their product line. I recommend u get for u and her the following, stress relief complex, a bottle of herb lax, a box of Basics, and Soy Protein. I am going to tell u that Shaklee soy is different from any other, as it is only protein and it is completely balanced with all the amino acids needed to make a complete protein. that coupled with the fact that it is 100% organic, chemical and herbicide free, and guaranteed. next, try to find a time after the family is gone to take a walk with ur mom. exercise. If ur mom smokes, she needs to quit as this drives her like a drug. just tell her not around my family. and after u take the shaklee every a.m. for breakfast as recommended, u will see a difference n ur and her attitude. Use these items as breakfast, and take them within 30 min of getting out of bed. This is when ur body needs nutrition the most. after sleeping for several hours. If u focus on ur health and hers, then things might turn around. or at least improve. after she is doing better u will need to tell her that ur family comes first. that u cannot put her ahead of ur husband and children. Make a boundry for her to respect. she probably doesn't know about boundries. U can get books on this topic at a good bookstore, if she will read them. and give it ur best shot.

Answer 5

I have an aunt like that. I am amazed at what my cousin puts up with. You can't have this woman in your home, she is ruining your entire family's life. You don't say if you have children but this would be terrible for children to witness. It sounds like she is a sociopath and there is no treatment for that. You are going to have to choose your own sanity and well being over her. She needs to be in a home that is far away from you. You can help her maintain this home monetarily and visit her but she needs to be out of your home. My cousin's husband finally forbade my aunt from his house and it has worked out much better for them all. My cousin goes to see her Mother regularly and since they have 3 kids there was no other choice. She would even verbally attack the children.

You have to do this for your own and your family's sake. Your Mother is using her 'sickness' against you now.

Answer 6

I just want to repeat what has already been said. Seek professional help to see what can be done to keep your mother out of a nursing home and yet keep peace in your family. You can't continue as you are. It will eventually ruin your health and break up your family if you are not careful. You have shown great compassion for your mother and that is a great thing. Search for a better way for her and you.

Answer 7

What I think the best thing to do is not let her stay with you anymore. I know it's hard because I've watched two families who I am close to struggle with this.

It doesn't mean you don't love her or arent' devoted to her. But, in your current situation your primary responsibility is to your own little family. If she is mean to your children and you continually let her in your space, they will learn that she is more important to you than they, that their feelings don't count with you. They will also see the way she treats you and you begging for more, and they will think this is okay.

If you can't bring yourself to set firmer boundaries for your own sake, do it for your children's. Maybe you are willing to martyr yourself for your mother, but you are not to martyr them.

It is not only okay to set boundaries and be happy about it, it's essential. It will improve the mental health of your whole family. You still love your mother... maybe you could visit her alone at her place instead of her coming over. But definitely less often. You may find it easier to cope with if it's less frequent and not at your home, because it puts you in control. You could leave whenever you want.

Wishing you peace and happiness.

Answer 8

i really feel pity and sorry for what you are going thru
i may not understand how deep your pains and sorrows are cos I've never been in your shoes.
however, i think you have done well so far and there comes a time when you draw a line.
you have children and husband, i wonder how understanding your husband is, if it were to be the other way round, will you let your mother in-law stay with you under that condition???

understand me,iam a woman not a man, i will do that for my mom if she was in that condition,but if it becomes unbearable, then its time to put your family's interest ahead of her's.its difficult i know,but its time to put your family first.

Answer 9

So far you're being a great care-taker, so too you must also look after your own mental well-being. Although your mother is mentally ill, she knows enough of right and wrong. You didn't say if you tried talking to her about it. If not, I suggest you do so and face her down. Be firm and strict.

And being that you asked in this R&S section, I take it you're religious to some extent or another. Therefore, talk to your minister. If nothing works then shoot her.

Answer 10

I know this sounds harsh and it sounds as if you want to the best thing spiritually as well. I am a minister and a Christian. You need to protect your family. Your mom needs to be in place where they can care for her needs, monitor her meds, maybe assisted living. You can visit, still be her daughter, but your husband and especially your children should not have to suffer because of her mental illness. Your husband and children should outrank your mother in your priorities.

You may also need some counseling to deal with any latent emotional issues having a sick mother may have left you with.