Is it my place to finally tell?

Question

18 yrs ago I had a son from the result of bad experience w/someone I went to high school with. I was soo distraught over the incident, that my son was eventually signed over to my parents to raise. His biological father never met my son & never seen him, he ended up dieing in a car crash when my son was 6. The thing is, is that his fathers family (grandparents) lived 5 blocks from my parents house & they never knew of my son. I found out a few years back, that after my sons father died, his sister Od'd a year later & than his father died w/in a year & half...so the grandmother lost her son, daughter & husband all w/in 2 years...she never met my son, because my mother wouldnt let me take him over there., she said it was not my business! She said she wasnt ready to share him w/some strange woman.that when hes 18 & if he wants to meet her, than thats his choice. Should I finally tell or is it too late? Do you think she'll be upset for not having the chance to have met her dead sons kid?

I felt that this woman deserved the opportunity to have a relationship w/her grandkid, especially since she lost his father...hes whats left of his father, regardless of how he came into the world, but Im mad at my mom for being this way for soo many years. Its selfish to me...I didnt tell because i didnt want her keeping my son from me because she was mad...what should I do? Hes 18 now..

Answer 1

This is a tough decision here i will say... true the grandmother he has never met could use something to bring a little jiy back into her life. If it was me yes I would want to me my grandson.

Then you have your mother on the other hand that deserves the respect for parenting your child all these years... but he is eighteen years old she can't withhold him from you or anyone else... she can blackmail him... like if you go I will throw you out of my house, blah blah... ya know.... Does your son ever ask about his dad??? I know when this other GM passes and you haven't done anything you will suffer greatly,, regreting what your son might have missed out on knowing some part of his father. My thought is that you and your son could do it and not even let your mom know... I have heard of adopted children doing this and never ever ever letting on they were seeing there birth parents... It not like your son has to go over there every week... a monthly visit would do. I would sneak and do it... and maybe tell her later or not at all... hope this helps... good luck!!

Answer 2

The kid is an adult. The kid should know this part of the story. If the woman is in good health....this would be my biggest concern....because you sure don't want to tell someone this and they have a big heart condidtion.

But pause a second and think how you will tell this story. First, you do not want to make yourself or the kid look like you are out for money or property. If I were you.....I'd go by myself (before telling the kid), and go up to her porch, ask if you could have ten minutes of her precious time. You will lead off about things in your life haven't always gone well....that occassionally you have take a wrong turn....and sometimes you've backtracked to correct a mistake. So then you will tell her about the BF and the preg episode, and the kid. You will let her know that you kept this fact a secret, whether right or wrong (don't mention your mom)....and just felt that you wanted to be honest and forthcoming. Nothing more. See her reaction. She will be rather shocked and ask some dopey questions.

Then you will ask if it was ok to tell the son. Your intention is not to invite him into her life or anything....just to let him know who his dad was and what happens in life isn't always guaranteed situation. She may say no. Fine. Accept it and walk out. You did the right thing.

In the end....you are merely correctly wrongs in your life. Don't expect anything else.

Answer 3

It is YOU that needs resolution.. not your son, not your mother and not this grandmother. The truth, at this stage, would hurt everyone involved. Do you really want to hurt everyone, including your son, just to ease your burden of untold truths?
Does your son know that you are his mother? Does he know of his father and conception? There are too many unanswered questions here to give you a real answer to your question.. but remember this: sometimes the truth can cause more hurt than the protective shell that is around us. If your son knows of you but not his father and questions who it is, then he should be told the truth. If he doesn't know about you, don't destroy his safe world. As far as the grandmother goes: she would feel upset, cheated and very hurt. I have no doubt she would welcome your son, eventually.. but she would question why her son never told her.. and thus the truth would also tarnish the memories she has of her own son. Too much hurt, not enough good. I would leave well enough alone.

Answer 4

OOOH that's a hard one. I agree that your thoughts are in the right place to think of her and the tie between her son and yours. But it may be too overwhelming and heartbreaking to find out after all these years. You may even be taking the risk that she won't believe you. I guess my advise would be to talk to her casually and get to know a little bit about her state of mind, and try to decide if she's able to handle it. If she remembers you dating her son, she may be more open to you and may be happy to see you again. If she doesn't remember you, then you may be in for a tough run. I do agree that she should know, but how and when you tell her is the thing. Good luck.

Answer 5

What is that song,, don't rock the boat ? does your son know you are his mother ? does he know that the father is dead ? yes ?, maybe it is OK for them to meet. No ? no meeting. Remember she will probably go very overboard with things. Talking about your son's father, saying things that you might not want your son to know, things that might influence him, he could be "his father's son" Do you want that ? .If your son was younger I would say no way. Since he is 18, I would still say no. Remember you signed him to your parents, respect that. There are a lot of things that are better off left unsaid & unknown, like your son.

Answer 6

Considering the situation, and the position you were put in at the time, I think you have a right to do as your heart speaks to you to do.

Irregardless of your mothers' wishes, he is currently 18, and he is your son. I think you have a right to do what you think you should.

Discuss the matter with your son first, and then when he is ready, tell him about his grandma. Try to provide some sort of buffer, though, in case the lady does not react favorably.

Answer 7

I agree your mother was selfish. In addition, she denied your son the opportunity to have a relationship with another person who would most likely love him. It was her legal right to deny him that relationship, but I think that was still wrong. This is a place where you will have to tread lightly and give the situation a lot of thought. You may have the best intentions, but you know your family well enough to know what the possible consequences are. You'll have to weigh those against the possible benefits from telling your son of his true parentage and the grandmother he never knew he had.

Answer 8

I would let him decide, since he's 18 now. There will probably be some anger at first for you not telling in the first place, but that will more than likely pass after she gets to spend time with him. After all, like you said, he is the only thing she has left of her son. I don't think it's your mothers business, he's your kid, right? If you feel that he should meet her, and I believe he should too, then go for it but make sure it's something he wants to do also.

Answer 9

It's a tough situation. How will you explain that you got pregnant? You don't want to put the woman in more pain thinking her son violated you. Also, is your son a good boy? Will he cause the grandma grief or bring her joy?

Good luck! :)

Answer 10

Tell your son the truth. Let him decide if he wants to see his grandmother. By the way, does he know that he is your son and your mother's son?