Black Boyfriend - So confused?

Question

Hi everyone,

Im just looking for a bit of advice. I have started seeing a lovely brazilian man who makes me very happy. In January I came out of a very long term relationship (6 years) so as you can imagine I am very dubious about "getting involved" again.

The thing is he is black which doesnt matter one tiny bit to me but my family would go mad. I am ashamed to say it but I cant be responsible for their views. The ridiculous thing is that I know they have nothing against black people and never say a bad word but they wouldnt like me having a black boyfriend.

I know its racist of them but I love them so much and dont want to have to choose or hurt them. I am wondering whether it may be better to nip the relationship in the bud as it is going to cause chaos. My sisters also wont approve. I told one of them and sent her a pic and she phoned me crying as was so disappointed.

Please dont have a go at me - none of this is my fault.

Thanks

How dare you Fugitive. I am most certainly not racist. I just love my family and dont want to lose them. How can you say that - you know nothing about me

Answer 1

You are the only person you should think of.
Look at this situation from a different point of view:
1) You have just been in long term relationship and you need someone now to love you, to bright up your life.
2) If you feel good with this man, do not afraid to stay with him for as long as you feel happy. There are lots of things that our families may dislike in our partners, but religion or race has always been the most stupid, hurting and worthless.
3) Whenever they show you the disapproval, they don't think of YOU, but think of THEMSELVES (what neigbours will say, or friends of the family)
4) I have a similar situation myself (but a bit worse) and i realised i am the only one who can decide for me.
Don't afraid to be happy!

Answer 2

This is really difficult. I want to tell you to screw your father and date this guy because color doesn't matter, we're all just people and love is colorblind but you need to make a decision- and it's not fair. You're 16 and probably won't be with this guy for the rest of your life. That's the truth. You don't like to hear that I'm sure but when I was 16 (as with most 16 year old girls) I feel deeply, passionately in love and thought I was marrying this guy...boy was I wrong just like all the other 16 year olds out there. Anyway, is he worth losing your father over today? Probably. Will you think that in 2 years? Probably not. My answer to you would change a bit if you were in your 20's because love matures and becomes a little more rational as you age. Then, there's a much better chance that you're willing to lose family over your decision but now is too early to do that. It's wrong your family is being this way but you have to live under his roof for 2 more years and family is forever while boyfriends usually aren't. It also isn't fair to your boyfriend to be in this situation. He shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable or worried all the time. It's probably best you take your relationship back down to friendship and either hold off on dating for awhile (if your preference is black men) until you are on your own and don't have to bring him back to your house. I'm so sorry hun, I really wish color weren't an issue anymore.

Answer 3

You obviously can for-see the problems you will be facing from family and society. Look deep inside yourself and honestly decide if you are willing to make compromises, change relationships etc. Remember, the odds of this being the ONE relationship that will last forever are statistically low, so sacrificing life as you know it may be for something that is fleeting. It is sometimes easy to take the high road and say , to hell with them all, I know that I want this. The reality can be an eye opener and could affect every relationship you have built to date. You sound very smart and caring, so I am sure that your decision will be well thought out. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

You know what everybody is gonna have an opinion about this problem you have, it's a problem that has gone on for years and I'm sure it will go on for many more, because still as the years go by so many still see just color not the person. And please I am not saying anything bad about your family. So this is my advice to you, tell your family about your new man and even allow them to meet him, yeah scary, but when it's all said and don't family is your priority and always will be, but at the same time they will move on with the things that make them happy in life, will you stand still to always keep them happy while you are not? The only advice that can be giving to you for this is to follow your heart not your mind, do what you feel needs to be done not what everybody thinks should be done, just what your heart feels. And so you know I don't judged you I'm one of those mothers out there that has Oreo baby's as so many have put up in their answers, his family was the same way but you know what love concord all, 13 years later still strong, and guess what by the time our oldest was born they accepted it and moved on with life. But as I said just follow your heart.

Answer 5

OK Even more than Religion, Race is a big issue - it's barbaric - but it's true.

First of all I would step back a little since you're still very weak from ending the past 6 year relationship. You really need more than a few months to recover before you get into another serious long term relationship with anyone. Indeed, your indecision about this man's race indicates to me that you need more time to recover. If you were at your best health (emotionally - and physically, too) you wouldn't be so confused.

That said, You must weigh the consequences of continuing the relationship versus the consequences of ending it. I cannot advise you on what points you would want to cover - but weigh the consequences carefully. What are the pro's and cons? Be mercenary too - I mean a man of a different race - who happens to be a multi-millionaire movie star in his country - is MUCH more appealing to your family than a man of a different race who is just an average "joe." That sounds really harsh - but yes, take all this into consideration.

And take in the culture as well as the race. Was it the man - or was it Carnivale you fell in love with?

And faith - are your family's Protestant or Jewish roots going to clash with Roman Catholicism?

Yes, there are so many things to consider - and by your own admission you are still recovering from a breakup -

You are better off stepping back and really, really examining your priorities, needs and wants.

Bless you.

Answer 6

Baix, you got me confuse about racist? From what I have read that you only told your sister about your new friend and send her a picture of him and she see that he is black. Right away she calling you and crying over the phone not because the guy that you're seeing, but the color of his skin? I can understand it if she saw his face on t.v. most wanted, but no for the color of his skin. And you don't think your sister is racist? Now, I am wondering have she told your parents about him? From your sister reaction I will not put it pass your parents will react the same way.

My suggestion to you to have an open talk about interracial relationship with your parents. Now days some parents will said they're ok with it (when it someone else) but conceal their true feeling when it involve their very own. If you going to nib it in the bud, do it for you and only you.

Remember this one thing, that you're looking for your own happiness not theirs.

Answer 7

Well maybe you will just have to work with your family and tell them this is your choice and you would like for them to accept this person and that he is no different then you all accept the top of the skin, if you cut you and cut him you both will bleed red blood. You should look at a person for the way they respect other and them self rather then the color of the skin. You could get involve with a white guy and he may not treat you like you should be treated. They have to give you credit to think that you are responsible enough to choose someone that will treat you in the way that you want to be treated.

Answer 8

I'm white, my fiance is black (Nigerian), I love him truly madly and deeply and we're planning to get married and have a child soon. People look at me in a strange way when I say that my fiance is Nigerian, my father (whom I haven't been talking to for nearly 2 years because of a past argument we had), would hardly accept our relationship, some other people among relatives and friends may not like the idea either, yet, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN about them/what they think!!!! I'M VERY PROUD and BLESSED to be engaged to such a wonderful man and to have him by my side, and I'm NOT gonna let ANYONE/ANYTHING get between me and him!!!! I LOVE HIM and I'd forgo ANYONE and ANYTHING for him, if necessary (included my WHOLE family) . If you do let such stupid people ( the fact that they're your family doesn't mean they're not stupid as in facts they are) get between you and this guy, then you're SIMPLY NOT WORTH HIM. Shame on you, feel sorry for this guy who doesn't know how shallow and superficial you are. You are not any better than your sister, as in facts, deep down you're a racist too.

Answer 9

It sounds like you care alot on what your family views will be- And sounds like a good idea to nip the relationship in the butt before you get too involved...

My husband is Asian, and my parents used to always say those lines as.. Races shouldn't mix! But they weren't nearly as disappointed in me and I was expecting when I brought him home for the first time? So who really knows what you can expect out of your family! Try bringing it up randomly to your mom or dad and see how they react! Good Luck Sweetheart *

Answer 10

My family is the same way, but the only reason your family is aggainst it is because of the fact that it does cause a lot of choas. Your going to have people hate you both, just seeing you walk down the street together. Black girls wont like you with him and white boys wont like him with you. Its hard to be in a relationship that most of the world doesnt agree with. But if you really like him and you think he's good for you and because of him your a better person, dont listen to what people say, and if your family truely cares about your happiness, they will come around.