Hi! Ok so I am adopting a girl that is 14 and was abused by both her parents sexuially, verbally, mentally, and physically. She eneded up in the hospital for 4 months because of the abuse and while she was there we found out she had cancer. Because of the abuse back at her old home she is very scared of people and clings to me a lot because I am the only person that she trusts. Well soon I will be able to take her home for a few days. Anyway eventually she will be able to go home for longer amounts of times. Well I was talking to her counselor and a few other people that work with her. We were talking about the future for her and I was thinking that it may be a god idea for me to quit my job or work from home and then home-school her for a year or 2 because she is just so afraid of people. Like today she is in isolation because she had major surgery yesterday and when she woke up I wasn't there and she thought I left her so she started crying and then she got so scared she started...
2007-05-24 08:55:29 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
crying and then she got so scared she started throwing up and she got a fever. If you took her to a supermarket or a mall she would probably have a heart attack. Well I was thinking that maybe homeschooling her would be the best thing, since she is so scared of being around people and she will be in and out of the hospital anyway that maybe being in and out of school isn't a very good idea. I will eventually ween her of off being so dependent of me but I don't think now is the right time. She is only just starting to get used to my family. When she is ready to go to regular school I will let her of course but I don't want to force her and she really dosn't want to go. Do you think quiting my job to spend more time with her and homeschooling her is a good idea?
2007-05-24 08:55:40 · update #1
Absolutely Kate.
Remember that the people who have mentioned this to you are professionals who encounter these types of situations more frequently than you will have to, and know what the best way to go about things is. I was thinking about this question for a while before I answered it and this was the best answer I could come up with.
Things seem bleak at the moment, but as your daughter recovers and the two of you grow together, she will be able to break apart from you, think about it. It's like when a baby is newly born and fully dependant on her mother- gradually, that dependance weans off and becomes so all it seems the child want is food and pocket money...it's the same here. I know your daughter isn't a newborn, but she is kind of starting life over again and she needs this constant close company for a few years, just like toddlers.
She will grow in adventurousness and abilities and confidence even though it might not seem like it to you now. It's like becoming a stay at home mom for your daughter, she needs this.
Sorry if it sound like I'm comparing your daughter to a baby, but the analogy was the best I could come up with :)
2007-05-24 12:59:42 · answer #1 · answered by ♥Pamela♥ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it's understandable that she will find it difficult to trust people for a long time. I also think at 14(my eldest is 14), her life should be all about fun and friends and clothes and make up and silly girly behaviour. I think it's a time when girls start defining themselves as the people they eventually will become, and I think they do this primarily through their peers.
While I understand completely why it seems like a good idea to shelter her from the world for a year, and make her feel as protected and loved and secure as possible, I don't really think it's the healthiest thing for her. I think she really needs the normality of a classroom, she needs to make some friends, and start developing some confidence for herself, but in the context of knowing you will be there for her 100% before and after school, at weekends and in the holidays.
I don't know if your job is flexible enough to allow this, maybe you could come to some arrangement with your employers.
I know if it were me, I would be aiming for her to go to school in September, the start of a new school year, but in the meantime, you have 3 months to work on her recuperation and her trust and her confidence. If you can link her up with one or two of her prospective classmates in a very casual way over the summer, it should help her too.
I hope it all works out well for her, it sounds like she's had a terrible time so far. I hope her birth parents are going to be brought to justice over what they did to her.
I wish you the best of luck.
2007-05-24 09:12:06 · answer #2 · answered by RM 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe home schooling for a little bit would be ok... but she is 14 and you need to make sure she can get to the point where she is not afraid to go outside and be around people.. she can't spend the rest of her life like that. You will really need to focus on teaching her that while yes some people are mean and do bad things not everyone is like that. Take it slow and of course as her medical treatment allows.. and get involved with her counselors and make sure you have a working plan as to how to get this young child back into the main stream socitaly.
2007-05-24 09:03:19 · answer #3 · answered by debcat76135 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you can afford to do that, then I'd say do it. I'd also make sure she's seeing a psychologist or some other sort of therapist on a regular basis. She's got to learn to depend on other people--especially since she's fourteen. I'd see if there's some sort of peer mentor program or some activity that you can put her in. Whether or not she likes it or not is the issue, but just getting her exposed to other people who are aware of the situation might help. Especially kids her own age. Or, try public school for a few months and see what happens. If she doesn't do well there, then pull her. It's possible that with teachers and other students watching out for her, she'll flourish. You won't know until you try. Congrats on your new daughter!
2007-05-24 09:19:04 · answer #4 · answered by Sit'nTeach'nNanny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Woaw I admire your courage.
I think you might need to quit your job at least for a while. You will need to teach her that you love her even when you're not there and that you cannot be with her all the time because eventually you want her to become an independant adult....but that a long way down the road and things take time. Your daughter to be is lucky to have you and she will need a lot of love and patience from you and your family.
I wish you all the best and I think you are a great person!
2007-05-25 00:09:16 · answer #5 · answered by Stef 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i think it is astounding that this child has gone through so much, the world does not make sense at times does it
i hear loud n clear you have her best interests at heart, and it sounds you are both getting some support from outside agencies with that.
you are dealing with a 'cracked shell' so to speak - and i don't mean that to be offencive but being at such young age, having gone through so much then on top of that her ongoing illness takes an enormous amount of strength from both of you.
however, never forget every relationship is about give n take, what i mean is although i hear you want to be there for this child, you have to keep yourself safe. you will need a release, you will need space and time. it is not healthy give up your life for the sake of others, regardless of the pull you feel.
if, and only if you feel it is the right thing for you to give up work at this time, then you know what to do.
follow your instincts and you won't go far wrong.
good luck xx
2007-05-24 10:03:40 · answer #6 · answered by michelle l 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly the world needs more people like you and your family. Secoundly have you thought about Supporting her in school (if you have a smaller school in your area, with a smaller ratio of children attending). That way you could be close by to start with and when she is ready you can sit the otherside of the class room, leave the room for an hour. eventually working up to her attend school on her own. But things always take time and you seem to have the patience to deal with it. Also your local education authority should be able to provide help and support.
2007-05-24 09:12:08 · answer #7 · answered by kirsty984129 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She needs a lot of love from you to be able to heal mentally,emotionally and physically. Good Luck !! It sound like a great idea to home school her for,now. But, eventually she will have to learn to be around people and trust them. Take it slow,One day at a time.
2007-05-29 23:41:12 · answer #8 · answered by TAMPABAYLADY 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow you are such a good person. the poor thing. i was also abused but very minutely compared to this and although it's still there i am a strong person now. it is very hard to trust others though especially when the people closest to you are the ones who should be taking care of you. i think homeschooling could be a good idea if you can afford but although you really want to be there for this girl which i admire you for just remember yourself too. may be there is some sort of group you could be going to to build up her social contact as i think this is very important. i pray she gets better and my love is with you both x kelly
2007-05-24 09:19:58 · answer #9 · answered by DAVID H 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would speak to her counsellor and ask her opinion, Personally I would combine both so she has the chance to socialise. Speak to the local school about a part time place--maybe a couple of hours to start with building on this as her health and confidence grows. This will help as she can follow the curriculum I am sure the school will set work to be completed at home.
You are to be commended for your selflessness and I hope she gets better soon.
2007-05-24 09:12:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋