Question about my "out-of-control" 9 &11 years old daughters? plz read more?

Question

I need some advice. This is a very serious question for me. My daughters were burned in a house fire on 12/26/06. They were with the paternal grandparents and it was a bad environment. It's a long story about what happened to me. Now, they are with my family; and they need alot of medical & psychologial attention. However, they also back-talk and are occasionally defiant. I don't when they are just "being bad"....or it is because of their past traumas. We try to give them lots of love; and at times, we feel rejected by them. How can we effectively control their behavior?

you all have given me some wonderful advice. thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Answer 1

stay firm first and formost you are the pillar if you lose strenght so will they.
BACK TALK.....9 & 11 girls as soon as i have an answer for that I can assure you i won't be giving it away for free

church even if your not religous the imagry will help with the trauma
as my daddy always said hold the leash don't yank it

Answer 2

Call your local mental health association, crisis hotline, family service center, or any community referral hotline and ask for referrals for counseling for the kids and the family. These girls cannot do this alone! They need help! And what is defiant and rejecting behavior at 9 & 11 will become dangerous and criminal behavior in no time without the proper help! They are CRYING out for help. My hunch is that they have dealt with mounds of stuff long before the fire. How much more are they expected to deal with? THEY are not the problem, they are simply the mouthpiece for the family! And now the family (at least one person!) needs to step up to the plate and stop this cycle! Give them a chance. They need immediate, and intense therapy and intervention, and so does the family. Call you local fire department as well.....they usually have a "firesetters program" for kids. Is there a chance they started the fire (anger)??? Food for thought. Intervene now.

Answer 3

My moms place burnt down on Jan.26 of this yr. No one was there however all the animals burnt to death. A couple months later i still can't stop thinking about it and i didnt even live there at the time, i had a moved out a month before it happened....so i know what you're going through. However they are at the age where theyre starting to go throught puberty and hormones are up. at this age i was a mouthy little girl and i threw tantrums all the time to get my way. however they do have trauma also so if they seem bothered by the fire or something like that take them to someone for counseling, even if its the school counselor...let them be able to talk it out with someone because its always better to let emotions out rather then hold them in. good luck.

Answer 4

Everyone is right about the fact that the need counseling. Not only for their experience with the fire, but for their experience living in a bad environment.
I imagine everyone was super-nice to them when they were burned in the fire (who wouldn't be?). Everyone felt sorry for them at first, but it's months later now. Have you ever read "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," an autobiography of Maya Angelou? She was raped at about this age. Everyone put her on a pedestal, but after a few weeks, they no longer felt sorry for her. She was beaten for not acting the way she normally did, and was soon sent off to live with her grandmother once more. What I'm trying to say, is that adults can get over these situations much sooner than children. If your children do not get the help they need now (for the entire situation that they were in) they will never 'get better'. If they're acting like this now, wait until they are teenagers!
Give them 'lots of love' but perhaps stiffen up a bit. It bothers me when parents want to 'control' their kids behavior. The behavior of the kids belongs to the kids; therefore they are the only ones who can control it. It is your (and your family's) job to help the kids learn how to control their own behavior.
My BF's son is 6. He is down right BAD. However, me and my BF both know that it is mostly because of his rocky past. Keep the past in mind, and do things to help with that (counseling, not only for them, but also for you). However, today is today and not the past. Be consistent with punishments and rewards (rewards are very important!), and make sure everyone else around them is consistent as well. It sounds like your kids need stability. Give this to them.

Answer 5

Alot of love and discipline. They're still children. If you don't give them parental direction and discipline now. Can you imagine how out of control and defiant they will be as adults. Discipline begins in the home. At 9 and 11, there is still time to readjust them in a spirit of mildness. You are the responsible adult in this situation. So take charge and do something about it. Otherwise your children could suffer even greater harm in the future because you never took the time to give them the love and direction when they were young. As a parent myself, I certainly wouldn't want to live with that regret. I wish you the best!

Answer 6

Ages 9 to 12
Kids in this age group — just as with all ages — can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

For example, if your fifth grader's homework isn't done homework before bedtime, should you make him or her stay up to do it or even lend a hand yourself? Probably not — you'll miss an opportunity to teach a key life lesson. If homework is incomplete, your child will go to school the next day without it and suffer the resulting bad grade.

It's natural for parents to want to rescue kids from mistakes, but in the long run they do kids a favor by letting them fail sometimes. Kids see what behaving improperly can mean, and will probably not make those mistakes again. However, if your child does not seem to be learning from natural consequences, you should set up your own consequences to help modify the behavior more effectively.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/discipline.html
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Answer 7

You need to talk to their pediatrician about finding a family councilor. You also need to set rules and punishments for disobedience. Maybe make these together as a family so the girls will know they helped make the rules. But at the same time they need to get the punishment when they break them. They may be back talking because they want the stability back. Hope something works. Good luck.

Answer 8

Sounds like you need to get a GOOD counselor. It could be a combo of trauma from accident, and if they are not with you they are definitely old enough to know that that is not the typical norm and may have some negative feelings about that.

Seek an experienced counselor for guidance.

Good Luck for them and you

Answer 9

Try not to let it get to you when you feel rejected... that will happen. The best way to win their respect and, more importantly, pave the way to a solid future for them is to be utterly consistent. They should now exactly what to expect from you in both love and discipline. It will take some time at this age but if you are both loving and firm and employ natural consequences you will see results

Answer 10

Whether you are ill, in pain or had a rough life, certain behavior is unacceptable.
The key is to be loving but firm and always above everything else, be consistent with discipline.
I really suggest watching Nanny 911 or Super Nanny, they have great ideas. Nanny 911 even has a book out.

Answer 11

They're probably still angry about what happened to them. Do you talk to them about it? Have they seen counselors?
Maybe it's time for family counseling.
Sometimes when something like this happens, families feel so bad for the injured child that they forget about the setting boundaries and rules and consequences part of parenting and start letting the kids walk all over them. Sounds like that could be happening here too.