My boyfriend just told me he was molested as a child. What should I do?

Question

We've been together for almost 3 years, and he just told me. I am not sure what to do or say, or if I should do anything at all.

He's sleeping, that's why I'm not doing anything at the moment.

Answer 1

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to hear something so horrible about someone you love and care about. I think it's OK for you to admit to him that you are not really sure what to say or do. Offer your support. Let him know that you're there for him, and you are willing to listen when he's ready to talk about what happened. If you have been together for three years, I assume you have a good deal of trust in your relationship. Perhaps throw out the idea of seeking counseling, if that's something he'd be interested in doing. (Check out www.psychologytoday.com - they have a search engine that allows you to search for a therapist based on your criteria.) Finally, it's important that you also take care of you, as I'm sure this is stressful for you as well. You may want to check out a book on trauma to help you understand what he may be going through and to help you figure out how you fit into the picture as a part of his support system. As a counselor, I have used the book "Life After Trauma" before - it's more of a workbook format, but it has many useful exercises that help you deal with the array of feelings that are associated with these situations. I hope that is helpful information, and I wish you both the best!

Answer 2

The best thing you can do for him is just be supportive, a good listener and let him know that you love him and will do anything to help him with this and that if he ever needs or wants to talk about it then you'll be there for him. Take what he says seriously and never joke about it. Things like this really scar a person for life. I too was molested at a young age and i know what someone goes through and feels. I see some of the answers on here and more than a few are from kids who don't know anything and just try to make a joke about it. This is nothing to joke about or make fun of. It is very serious and can make one feel degraded. Just love him, talk with him, support him. If he needs or wants some proffessional help then go with him and support him at those meetings.

Answer 3

Be supportive. If he has dealt with the pain and trauma of the event(s) then there is not much you can do. If there is still pain and trauma then you can assist him with seeking the appropriate kind of assistance to deal with it all. You have every right to ask him if there is anything he would like you to do. There is no need to discuss details of what happened or anything like that. I would ask him to keep any children you may have away from the person(s) that did this terrible thing to him, if they are still around. Remember this was most likely not a pleasant experience for him and for him to tell you means that he either felt cornered and manipulated--not what you want, or loves you so much that he wants no secrets from you--in which case grab him, hold on tight and don't let go.

Answer 4

It is very possible that he has told you this information because he has finally, after three years, felt secure enough in your relationship to share that painful information about himself. Unfortunately, many victims of child molestation somehow internalize their pain and often take part of the blame for their victimization. This causes them to feel undeserved shame -- what a terrible, cruel crime that a child would have to have his/her childhood tainted by such a memory. If your boyfriend appears to have come to terms with this and shuns any further discussion, you will have to respect his feelings. But do offer to hear him out should he seem to want to air his childhood experience. Perhaps it will help him to truly move past it, knowing he has shared his feelings about it with you. It appears you love him very much--you'll know what to say...Tell him again how much you care and that you'll be there for him. Look at his revelation as an indication that he is taking the relationship to a deeper level.

Answer 5

You have been with the guy for three years. Have you ever noticed any strange behavior that might make sense now? If not then it is possible that he got counseling and is able to move on with his life at this point. It took a lot of courage for him to tell you. If you feel that he has some issues pertaining to this you may want to ask him if he has had counseling and if he would be willing to have it if not. More than likely he just thought that it was time to move forward with your relationship and telling solidifies your commitment to each other.

Answer 6

Listen. Maybe he's been going through something and needs to start from the beginning. Don't judge him. He's still the great guy that you fell in love with. Be kind and understanding. Let him know that you are there for him. Love now more then ever. Tell him and show him.

Answer 7

Whatever you do..Don't offer him candy! Bad joke. No seriously, love Him like you always have. I assume you love Him? Go on as usual. He probably just told you because he Loves you and felt comfortable sharing it with you. It brings the two of you closer. I'm sure you are one of the few people that know. (Maybe the only person that's close to him.)

Answer 8

Just reassure him that your feelings toward him haven't changed. Let him know that if he wants to talk about it (or anything else) you are there for him. Don't act any differently...you relationship is and should be the same. He has confided in you. put his trust in you. It must have taken an awful lot for him to relive what has happened to him in the past and tell you about it.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry to hear that. Now listen carefully - molestation is devastating for a child and can heavily influence his adult relationships. You need to take this very seriously. Be there for him, be sympathetic and just listen. If it seems he has moved on in his life, then that's great! If it seems he hasn't, then I would suggest therapy.

Answer 10

You should be supportive. Talk about it only if he wants to talk about it. I would find out who it was and avoid that person, at all costs. If he trusts you enough to tell you this information, then he must truly love you and he needs support from you. If he brings it up again ask him if he wants to talk about it with a counselor or a pastor. Best wishes!! I will keep you both in my prayers.