How do I get my 35 year old sister to stop depending on my mother so much?

Question

My sister, her husband, and their two kids all live with my mother. My mother takes care of the kids while my sister and her husband work. My mother has no life outside of my sister and her family, and in some ways this has affected my relationship with my mother. She is hardly ever available to speak or hang out with me and does not even have her own bedroom! She shares a room with one of the kids.
While I was in college and even a little after, my mother and my sister's husband were the only ones working (my sister did not work and I was living with my now husband). Then my mother lost her job (because she was so tired from taking care of my sister's kids, she would over sleep). My mother eventually dropped out of life. They were on the verge of losing their place when my sister finally stepped up and got a job. Now, my mother does not work, but she takes care of the kids full time. She has no life of her own. I blame my sister for the state of things.
What do you think?

My father and mother divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 14. He's been living in NY since then and has no relationship with my mother and sister. He and I have a great relationship. He has no comments on the situation with my mom and my sister.

Answer 1

i think you're right but,i don't know that there is anything you can do about it. maybe you could tell your sister how this is affecting your relationship with your mom or that you are worried about her health and the fact that she has no life. problem with that is, your sister may deny any wrong doing or just tell you you're exaggerating or tell you that it was your mom's idea and she loves it. there's a lot of excuses she could give to shut you down. no doubt, your mom feels obligated to do this too. how about mentioning it to your brother in law? do you think he might understand? i wish i could help more. good luck.

Answer 2

Your sister is taking advantage of your mother and her kindness. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do but talk to your mother. She'll have to stand up to your sister and give her a deadline to get out and on her own two feet, or else her depression will continue to grow deeper.

Your sister will be mad, but from what you described, it's better for HER to be mad than your mom to get so stressed out she gets sick, or worse, has a heart attack or something.

Answer 3

I think this is between your mom and your sister. You have your own family to worry about. Your sister and her husband are paying the bills, so maybe this arrangement is fine with your mom. If it's not, then encourage your mom to talk to your sister about it.

Answer 4

Don,t hate. If it really bothered your mother, she would not do it. Your mother need some company. I didn't see no mention of a father. Let it be and be happy. Life is to short to worry about things like that. If you want better for your mother, you do better and move her out of that situation if that is what mother wants.

Answer 5

well if ur sister is 35 than ur mother is quite old let her be the stay at home grandma and be glad ur sister is not a dead bum but a working lady who pays for bills

Answer 6

There's absolutely nothing you can do to change the situation. Just be glad you're not your sister.