My best friend has been battling inferility for over ten years. She is so distraught over not having a child that she is on anti-depressants. Today she asked me to carry a baby for her. How do I say no without sending her over the edge?
2007-05-24 03:37:23 · 16 answers · asked by Sonja 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Try telling her that you will think about doing it, but only if you can keep some parental rights. I know this sounds cruel, but it is a good way of showing her what a crazy scenario this is. That is something you would never ask a friend to do.
2007-05-24 21:54:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
OMG! That is a BIG request, of anyone. I don't think I could do it either if I were you.
You don't say whether or not you have kids of your own. If you do, that is probably reason number one to tell her you cannot handle another pregnancy. But either way, if she is really a friend, she will understand when you say no. Also, if you are married, tell her your husband said no way - just make sure to discuss it with him first. I think your husband's voice should carry more weight than hers in such a decision anyway.
Tell her that pregnancy and all it entails is just too much - the hormones, the mood swings, the body changes, and that you are not in a position to have your life (and career if you work)disrupted this way.
She needs to find another surrogate if she really wants to do this. I think this is one of those times when a stranger doing it as a business transaction under a contract is actually far better than straining a friendship.
If the friendship ends over this, please try to remember this: either she was not really a true friend in the first place, or she has reached a psychological breaking point that only a pro can help her with. Good luck!
2007-05-24 10:56:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Do some research. Their is information all over the internet about the pro's and con's and show her that you did some soul searching and some research and you don't feel comfortable. If she is you real friend then she will understand. Give her some information on how to find a surrogate mother. There are so many people out there willing to do this that she has other options besides you. Don't feel bad I don't think I could do unless my sister couldn't have children. I would most likely do it for her, but I understand your stand on this point. Good luck.
2007-05-24 10:43:10 · answer #3 · answered by MommyofTwo 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
She should have waited for someone to offer. Obviously if you wanted to do this, you would have offered years ago, right? Child birth and labor are VERY serious stresses on the female body. Don't think (or let anyone make you feel) you're selfish to not want to take on something so serious. I don't know how close you both are and how and what you can say around each other, but you're going to have to break it to her gently, obviously. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Sit her down and tell her you can't do it but you'll be willing to help her find someone. If she and her husband get angry don't respond in a defensive manner, remain calm and firm on your decision. Good luck! I'm sorry she put you in this position.
2007-05-24 11:16:39 · answer #4 · answered by Trish C 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be honest and respectful. It says something wonderful that she would want you, but ultimately it must be what you want.
When my friend asked me, I said simply and without drama that while I would love to do something to help her have a baby, that I know in my heart I could not give up a child after having carried it for nine months.
If your reason is different, than tell her that reason. If your reason is something that you don't care to share with her, just say you've thought about and it's just not something you can do for her. A best friend can accept such an answer, a manipulative controlling friend may not.
Good luck
2007-05-24 13:11:18 · answer #5 · answered by OrangeDeb 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is not really appropriate for her to ask you for this. It is more something that she has to wait for someone to offer. I owuld tell her gently that you do not feel comfortable being a surrogate. I would then offer to help her find an adoption agency and let her know that you would be supportive and even take a trip to (China..or another adoptive baby's country) and that you will be there for her through the whole process.
Being a parent TRULY is much much more than having a tiny infant baby. THere are enough children to go around, you just have to wait patiently and go through the right (adoption) avenues.
2007-05-24 10:54:17 · answer #6 · answered by quirky 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You have lunch, sit down in a quiet corner to talk. You explain you are "HONORED" that she would have chosen you. However, as much as you would like to help her out, it is just not something that you feel comfortable doing. You can then let her know you'll be there for moral support, or if she chooses to adopt instead, you are more than happy to be a character reference for them in an adoption process. Let her have her cry, then wait a few days, then check-in with her on how she's doing. After about a week, go for lunch or shopping again. If it's possible, go for a girls weekend getaway.
OH & P.S. - if she's on anti-depressants, she's not doing herself any favors in the fertility department!!!!
2007-05-24 10:46:10 · answer #7 · answered by Mickey 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't understand how she could have put you in that horrible position. This is a big responsibility. You just need to tell her that you can not do it. Maybe do some research on adoption and give her the information. There are many children that need a good home and loving parents.
2007-05-24 10:57:42 · answer #8 · answered by verocast98 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not your responsibility to maintain her sanity. Seriously, she needs therapy in addition to her meds, as asking someone to go through a pregnancy and delivery, when they have never offered or mentioned willingness to do such a thing, is really showing a dangerous level of desperation and irrationality, in my opinion.
I would tell her that while you feel for her, and will support her in any other way, that you do not wish to go through a pregnancy and birth at this time. Perhaps send her to a Surrogate Mothers website www.surrogatemothers.com to talk to those who are willing or look into the surrogacy programs at her fertility clinic.
2007-05-24 12:29:21 · answer #9 · answered by ladybmw1218 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I do think you should do some research to help her find more options,but also don't let your friendship or the way that things have been going for her force you into a decision that you don't want and aren't comfortable doing.As her friend you should support her and help but you have to set the limit as too whats to far. Good Luck to you and your friend.
2007-05-24 10:50:46 · answer #10 · answered by Nancy V 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋