CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME...My Children need TOUGH love!?-More detail?

Question

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME...My Children need TOUGH love!?
I am absolutley beside myself. I have 4 boys: 14, 8, 8, 6. The 14 Year old is a good, respectful and loving young man, a little lazy at times, but definately improving with age. The one 8 Year old is my step son and is only here every other weekend. But the other 8 year old (has ADD and ODD-but is on a prescription and doing great) and the 6 year old are making me insane...all they do is fight, bicker, tattle, instegate and basically have no respect for each other. I have tried everything from Time-Out, Grounding, Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, taking away privilages, spanking...I dont knowwhat else to do.

They had me so worked up this morning before school that I broke down and cried and it didn't even seem to phase them...if anyone has any thoughts or ideas I dont care how crazy they sound please, please help!

i know this is wrong, but i have explained to them over and over again that disrespecting each other is the same as disrespecting me and our home and if you cant respect each other you still need to repsect me and the rules of the house...the rules are very clear, no fighting...i'm almost ashamed to say this but i am so desperate that I have considered warning them that if they continue their behaviour they will have to go somewhere else until they learn to respect me, themselves and the rules...i was thinking if they started fighting aain tonight after school i would show a little tough love and....

maket hem pack up some of their things and tell them they need to go fight somewhere else and until they can learn to be loving and respectful to each other they are not allowed to come back...

I'm such a terrible parent, I just want to do something drastic that will make them see how serious i am...

Answer 1

Is there a dad to this equation? If there is, he needs to get involved, ASAP.

Maybe some family counseling for the boys might be in order too.

Answer 2

Youre not a terrible parent. Boys are tough. Especially 4 at those ages. Dont be ashamed. Youre a blended family. You have my sympathy. I grew up in a family of 5 kids that was blended. I really think that therapy will help. It did us a world of good. It seems the two youngest ones are the problem. The big thing is to not make a distinction between the stepkids and the ones that live there full time.

My brother and ! were 4 years apart and ALWAYS fought. My grandpa would tell us that he was going to lay a blanket out on the floor and make us fight until one was crying and then both were going to get a spanking. Needless to say, we never had to do that. Tough love works.

Answer 3

You're not a terrible parent, but you do sound like one who is completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

Threatening to send the boys someplace else and/or having them act out preparing for it is a bad idea. I know it is a tempting way to prove a point, but all it will do is scare them and then, when you don't send them anywhere, they will realize that you really have no power to follow through on what you say...loose/loose all the way around.

It does sound like you have tried a lot of different things. My first question is how long did you stick to them before trying something else? At that age it may take as long as a month for the reality of the new rules/rewards/punishments to really sink in and the first few weeks are likely to be rougher than anything you have dealt with thus far. My suggestion would be to pick one of the programs you listed above..a combination of reinforcing positives (maybe with an earned reward system tied in ) and loss of privelages would be my choice. Plan it out, set a starting date and then implement it. You will have to follow through every time, both with rewards and punishments and not give in to crying, complaints or calls of being "unfair". Implement it with all 4 boys so the younger ones can see that following the rules does work since your oldest will more than likely earn rewards quit quickly. You need to try it for a minumum of two weeks, preferably a month to really see any changes.

If that has been tried and still no luck, then my next suggestion would be a talk with a family therapist, counselor or religous leader. In all honesty, that might be a good idea no matter what else you do. You are tired, emotionally and physically and need the support of someone there just for you. These people can help you figure out a method that may work where others have failed and support you as you implement it.

It also sounds like you are dealing with all of this on your own, at least the majority of the time. While your husband works, it is understandable you will deal with a lot during those hours. However, if he isn't stepping in to back you up and support the system you try, it will never work. You need to get him on board with any changes before you begin working with the boys. Again, if he refuses or resistant, working with a therapist will help you address this issue as well.

If the boys come home and fight, simply send them to thier room. Do not let them come out..take away any TV/game systems before they get home. Bring them their dinner. Once your husband gets home, tell him you need to leave the house and that the boys are not to come out other than to shower and to use the bathroom. Go someplace quiet and take a few moments for you to breathe. Once you go home, sit your husband down and tell him everything you have written here, along with the fact that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Hugs and kiss the boys, praise them for accepting and following the punishment you gave them. Tomorrow make some calls and work out the plans you will use and when they get home , start it. I know it won't be easy, but you can make your home life better...and feel better about yourself too.

Answer 4

As a mother I understand a little of your frustration. I wouldn't go the tough love, pack up things route yet though. You can risk undermining their trust in you and affecting the other relationships they have lifelong.

If you haven't talked to the kid's doctor about it yet, do it. he could refer you to family counseling for the boys and get to whatever underlying issues they have with each other. Being so close in age fosters this behavior. Also the 8 yr old that comes on weekends might be influencing it without trying.
taking them to couseling together can show that you are serious and want to make an effort to perserve peace in the house. It can also help lay foundations for more healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

I have been at the end of my rope with mt 6 yr old sometimes. His only sibling is only a year old but he ius very close to his cousins. He has two that are 10 yrs old and he has an almost sibling rivalry with one. If all three if them are together it is insane with the tatling and bickering even though they want to play together. It really reminds me of what you described, except thankfully I can send some of the boys back to my sisters when it gets out of control.


I sincerly wish you the best and I hope it all works out for you!

Answer 5

It sounds like family therapy might be a good idea. I know you feel like your 14-year-old isn't a problem, but if you're not giving him the attention he deserves (or are expecting more from him because the younger two don't behave) he will resent it (believe me, I was in his shoes when I was a kid...)

It sounds like you have tried a lot of good ideas, but have you stuck with any one thing? My parents always had strict rules, but changed them often. It was a nightmare trying to guess what was expected of me. If the family has recently had an upset (I don't know how long the step-family situation has been going on) they might just be testing their new limits or may resent the time and effort you may be putting into your new relationship.

It sounds like you need someone to listen to everyone's point of view (a therapist) and maybe offer pointers and ideas on how everyone can get on the same sheet of music. You can't kick your kids out, you'd get in trouble for that,but it does sound like you need an intervention.

Answer 6

hey - I'm not a psychiatrist, but i believe that most "terrible parents" never think they are, or ever ask for help in parenting. So STOP thinking you are one. You are just another loving, caring parent who has, like all other parents, entered a situation where you need some extra help. I don't think anyone can give you a "magic pill" of advice that will make it all better - particularly with the limited data available. However, it sounds like you feel you are alone, or do not have any aide or assistance. You mentioned a step-son, so i assume your husband is available; use him! When possible, parenting is best when it is a partnership venture. If he is not available, then try to take advantage of a councilor. You need someone with whom you can share your frustrations and realize that you are not alone.

Answer 7

No one has a perfect family or perfect kids. This is real life. We parents just do our best.

Maybe you could write down a list of rules for your house. Be specific. List chores and responsibilities for each child. All infractions of the rules and neglect of chores will have consequences. You and your husband must enforce these rules without exception.
Make punishments fit the "crime". For example, if one child delays everyone leaving for school, then he has to spend double that time doing another job you give him. If they talk back to you, they may not use the phone or computer to correspond with friends. When my son didn't keep his room picked up, (he didn't have clean clothes or a his bed was so covered with things he didn't have a bed to sleep in), I gave him a date that he had to have the room clean. Then I hired a teenage girl to clean it for him, and he had to pay her.
No matter how old your kids get, as long as you are providing food, shelter, clothing, etc, for them, you have power. Take things and services away from them. Refuse to do their laundry and make them wash laundry for the family when they disrespect a family member. We told out son, if he didn't make the honor role, we would not pay car insurance for him,so he wouldn't be able to drive. He, a cousin and girlfriend drank under age, so we made the other two call their parents and then I got them all up at the crack of dawn the next morning and made them work in the lawn. they knew we meant business and that we would enforce our household rules. I had a drug test in the house and they knew I could test them any time. I also had them come in and kiss me goodnight after they started dated. That way I knew when they arrived home safely and that they didn't have beer on their breath.
You have to be firm to help them learn self discipline. Then they will turn out to be decent human beings that can not only support themselves, but will give back to society. Don't every threaten them with something that you can not and will not carry out. the punishment has to hurt them, not you.
I wouldn't under any circumstances let them fight it out and or employ physical discipline that resembles torture like holding hand over their heads until they are in pain. Not only is this cruel but serves no purpose except teaches them that pain hurts and can be used to get what you want. That seems like a bully tactic. You do not want your sons to be bullies.

By the way, our son is now an attorney with a wife and seven year old son. Our daughter is an environmental scientist who has traveled the world with her husband and now has an infant son.

You can do it!

Answer 8

I know this sounds crazy but when I was little my dad use to make me and my sister and brother stand with are hands in the air and at first we were like okay whatever dad is being stupid and we can do this, and about 3 minutes with you’re arms up and it really starts hurting… And you are willing to do anything to get them back down… And if we did it again then he will make the time longer and believe me after about three times of the time going up and you’re arms hurting so bad you think they will fall off... You get the picture… My dad was the king of coming up with punishments and they almost always worked so I hope that this will work as well for you as it did my dad…

Answer 9

FIRST THING:

You are NOT a terrible parent. You have 4 BOYS and a blended family with kids with chemical issues.

SECOND THING:

You are NOT alone. We are all struggling. Those who say they are not are LYING.

THIRD THING:

DO NOT BE AFRAID to administer TOUGH LOVE. Its still called LOVE for a reason. They will thank you after they graduate.

LAST THING:

Separate them, and when things calm down, pick up the phone, call a friend, your church, family members and ASK FOR HELP. You already know what to do or say. So does GOD. Count to ten and proceed with that TOUGH LOVE, sister.

Peace.

Answer 10

Does the boy with ADD/ODD have an IEP to identify him as Special Education? If so you may be able to access in home support & services via WRAP or another program through the school district.

Do you have access to a therapist through your health provider? Family therapy might be helpful.