I am a new mom and I am really wondering why it seems that when you have kids you automatically become an?

Question

outcast with your group of friends? I am still the same person (except now my son comes before me). It seems I am now left out of the loop. I find out about things that all my friends do after the fact. For instance...one of my "best friends" (who also happens to be my family) is engaged, she cheats on her fiance & I find out from some one else. They said that she doesn't tell me anymore because I am in a loving relationship and would disapprove? WTF...never stopped her from telling me before. That is just one example. No one ever even calls to see if I would like to go to dinner or anything. I feel like no one ever wants to do anything with me anymore because I can't go out and party all the time. I guess I just don't understand why if they are my friends that they wouldn't go a little out of their way to include me every once in a while. My feelings are really hurt that I am always by myself. I haven't said anything yet because I don't know what to say or do! HELP!

I had posted this in relationships - friends and no one even answered me! I should have known I needed to post where parents will read! =)

Answer 1

It's very rare to have the same friends through all the stages of your life. As you go through these stages you have new needs/wants that have to be met. It could also be hard for your single friends to see this new you for a number of reasons. Most singles go out in hopes that they can meet someone that is special to settle down with. You have met that person and have started a new life/family. Your new family IS your top priority for the rest of your life. It's great if you can still keep some of those old friends in your life but chances are they don't relate to you anymore. I know I didn't want to hear about diapers, sleepless nights, and baby issues from people before I had children. Now that I have them I can't relate to single people anymore. I hear their petty complaints and think to myself that they have no idea what's really important in life. You can't relate to this unless you have children. You will meet more people that will add much more value to your life and they will become a special part of it for years to come. Good luck and keep your chin up. You have a little person that now needs almost all of your attention and love. Being a mother is very hard work but worth every second of it. Friends will come and go but your child will always be in your life.

Answer 2

If all of your friends are single or without children, they may be having a difficult time understanding you. Although you are the same YOU inside, your life has made a complete change and so have your priorities. You're not so caught up in the day to day drama. You are focused on your child and husband/boyfriend. Seems like they have having a hard time relating to that because they are still in their "having fun, partying, selfish" stage. That's not a negative thing...I think everyone should have the opportunity to go through that stage and have fun with life and be able to think of only themselves for awhile before having families and having their own needs take a back seat.

Secondly, maybe they think you are too busy with the responsibilities of being a new mom and feel they'd be burdening you with this stuff. Have a light conversation with them and tell them that you feel left out of things. Don't come off as needy or clingy...try to be humorous. If they continue to act this way....find new friends with people you have more in common with in your life now. Probably other moms will be able to relate better.

Good luck and congrats on your new addition!

Answer 3

Your status has changed. Being a mother should come before "partying", so you have less in common with them. Do any of your "friends" have children? They probably don't call you to go out because you have a child to take care of and must be a responsible parent (or at least I hope so).

You are not the same person. What were you before the birth of your son and what are you now? There is a difference.

I would suggest you find some married couples or other parents (people in the same situation) to hang with.

Answer 4

I totally understand what you're saying. When I first got married and had children, I didn't talk to my best friends for a while. It wasn't because we weren't friends, it was because I was so busy. I know my situation is different from yours, but I would advise you to try to stay in the loop by e-mailing. That has been my lifesaver. Many times, people will say things through e-mail that they wouldn't say face to face. Also, as much as you can, call them up to say "what's up, how are you?" Don't let this hurt your feelings - actually since you're the one with the "new" situation, I would say, call them up and plan a monthly girls night out so they will remember you are the same chic from back then. This will also ensure that you get some time away from home life as well.

Answer 5

I don't know exactly why it happens, but I can tell you the same thing happened to my husband and me! Not so much with my friends, because my best friends got married and had kids before I did, and if anything, we are closer to them than before! But my husband's friends, none of which have children or are married, won't bother to pick up the phone! I feel really bad for him, I know that my husband misses his friends, but friends come and go, I guess that's a fact of life! I think maybe some of the friends just want to have fun, and don't want to be worried about crying babies, or being a third wheel... whatever the reason, it's too bad! My suggestion is to try to find some friendly people who are married with children close in age to yours.. I know it can be hard, but it is always worth a shot! I hope this helps to know you're not alone! :)

Answer 6

It's not really an "outcast". A lot of people see a huge transformation when someone becomes a parent. They feel like they can't call in the middle of the night because "the kid is sleeping" or you can't go out because "I don't have a babysitter". Your average "non" parent doesn't want to deal with that. They want spur of the moment stuff and that just doesn't happen when you have kids. Most people don't want to deal with a loud kid at a restaurant or wait to go eat while you build the diaper bag. To the partyer, a party is a gathering place to build closeness. If you can't make it, you have lost that "connection".
What you can do is call them. It's going to seem completely one sided on your part but it's your schedule that has the limitations.

Answer 7

The thing about becoming a parent is, things change for the better. I was in the same boat as you, NONE of my friends had kids and since I had quit working as well, I was as lonely as could be. The first 4 months were awful.
As hard as it was, I found a mom's group and made new friends. That was 10 years ago and I can no longer imagine my life without these awesome women.
Chin up, it'll get better, I promise.

Answer 8

This same thing happened to me when I had my son. My "best" friend no longer had time for me. I think the whole carseat, diaper bag, crying thing was too much for her and she was basically a pretty self centered person anyway. So, I just had to reevaluate the friendships I had remaining and focus on those. It took a little time, but my new "old" friends accepted me just like they always had before my son was born, and...I even ended up marrying my best guy friend! Good luck, it's hard, but hang in there. Your baby comes first, but that doesn't mean you can't have a social life either.

Answer 9

I know EXACTLY how you feel! Of ALL my friends, I'm the only one who's married let alone a mother.
Have you stopped keeping in touch? Have you spoken with your friends about the fact that Yes you are a Mommy, but you still have time to listen to other people, have fun, etc. Tell them you miss them and would LOVE to do stuff, if only they'd ask.
Don't wait for them to call. They figure you have your hands full already and can't be bothered. Call THEM and tell them that you haven't died, you've just slowed down Little.

Answer 10

Doesn't sound like they are good friends to me! Things do change a lot when you become a mom, I have 2 children now and everything has changed, as far as going out, being with Friends, I would say it's important for you to out, you do need time for yourself, try to find other people with children who are in the same situation as you are, You are a good mother putting your son first, just take some time for your self!