Future mother in law taking over wedding plans!!!?

Question

I just got engaged on May 13th of this year and we are already having issues with the wedding planning. My future bride-to-be's parents will be paying for the wedding, but her mother is pretty much taking 100% control. Dont get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that they want to pay... but it's almost to the point that it's not worth it. The plan is to have about a 100 person wedding. She thinks that she should make the bride's guest list portion, and then I get to fill in whatever is left over. She even wants to include family members of hers that my fiance has never even met before. She also is trying to make it so I cant have a few of the kids from my family, who I am VERY close to. All the decorations, locations, and other material stuff means very little to me... but it is very important for me to have the people there, who should be there. Once again, I am very grateful to her parents... but its just not fair! Any advice would be great... Thanks alot!!!

Answer 1

Have another reception later.

Answer 2

First step is to get on the same page with your fiance. She has to agree that it's important for your family to have certain guests invited as well. Make a list, get input from your parents, and take the inlaws out to dinner, bring list. Have your fiance explain exactly what you said, that it's more important to have the people there to celebrate than it is to have the most expensive decorations etc....and have her ask them to figure out a way to include the people on the list and cut the budget elsewhere. There's no need to get angry, pushy, etc....keep it simple, let your fiance do the talking, and BACK HER UP if she gets pushed around by her Mom. The issue may be more a result of the dynamics between mother and daughter, perhaps daughter is afraid to stand up to mother? So you be there as her support....this can be done diplomatically, firmly, calmly. Don't even MENTION the people that MIL wants to invite that nobody else knows, those people are important to her. Weddings are simply not all about the bride and groom, and people who tell you that are fooling themselves. It's about family, and this is a good opportunity for you to learn together with your future wife how to deal with a strong minded MIL. Look for the humor, try to let the inlaws know you appreciate them, you love them, but this particular issue is near and dear to you. Good Luck

Answer 3

Well, the good news is that you probably won't get permission for the full-on nuptual mass (and you have a good reason for not wanting one) since you're not Catholic. You could have a simple ceremony with only the vows and readings, it's an elegant, simple and solemn ceremony. Your MIL cannot force any of the religious things on you, the priest would need to meet you and your fiance to discuss everything. So that's probably why she hasn't booked the Cathedral yet, she knows the priest won't do it. But is there any particular reason why you're against a Catholic ceremony? If there is then tell you MIL and be honest about it. If you're fiance is a practising Confirmed Catholic and you're a baptised Christian of any denomination then you can get married by the Catholic church. You, as the non-Catholic, would have to attend a pre-marriage course, agree that any children would be baptised and raised Catholic and that you would not block your husband from worshipping as a Catholic. You would NOT have to convert. But if you are against a Catholic wedding then there are other options, like having a wedding officiant perform the ceremony and asking the priest to be present and to bless the union. As for handling her: duck, dodge and dive! You've been doing well so far so just carry on with that. Everytime she starts going on to something that you don't want her to organise the tell her that you're waiting for your fiance to come back before you organise whatever it is. Especially things like religion, guest list and venue which your fiance should have a say in, just be consistant when you tell her you're waiting. If she starts trying to organise other things then tell her that you're busy with that already but thank her and tell her that you'll think about what she said. If push comes to shove, tell her that it's not in budget and you're looking at other alternatives. About the best thing you can do is give her something to organise. Maybe have her put together the bridal shower or engagement party or something. If she's busy with that it'll mean she's leaving you alone. Good luck with the planning, I also had to plan my wedding without my fiance there so I can sympathise.

Answer 4

As far as the guest list, I would recommend that you both make your "if money were no issue" lists that include everyone you would want to invite from the bride and groom's friends and family. Clearly, those lists for both of you would be much more than 100 people, and you will need to trim them down. DO THIS TRIMMING TOGETHER, with either your fiance or your fiance and her mom. That way, you know for certain that A) your side is being trimmed equally, and B) your fiance is getting to invite the people that she actually wants, not just who her mother wants or who she THINKS that her daughter wants.

Emphasize to both of them (perhaps your fiance in private and then both of you approach the mother in law) exactly what you said: You don't care about locations, colors, decorations, flowers, etc. Emphasize that you will do the fetching for those things that you really DON'T care about, make the endless trips to the craft stores, etc because you are willing to help. But then stress what you really do care about: your half of the guest list. Tell her that you recognize her contribution and how much you appreciate it. But this is the SINGULAR issue that you just don't want to bend on.

Keep in mind too that there are many people who won't be able to show up, even if they RSVP. We were planning on having a 100 person wedding, we invited about 120 and we had about 70 show up. You can always invite 10-20% more because people may have their vacations already planned for the weekend of your wedding, they may not be able to get off of work, or if they live out of town, they may not be able to spare the expense to travel. If you account for this, that gives you both about 60 people rather than 50 to trim it down to.

As far as kids, I would say make a rule and follow it equally on both sides. For my wedding, we invited only the kids from family members. That may not include some of the people that you're close to, so maybe set the bar at 13?

I know another concern deep in the recesses of your mind is "Crap, if she's doing this over the friggin guest list and the wedding, what is the rest of my life going to be like?" You're worrying that you're going to be having to answer to her for everything during your marriage. This is the opportunity to make a stand and (politely but firmly) show her that you won't be pushed around.

Congratulations, and the best of luck to you!

Answer 5

It's important for you to handle this situation the right way, because this woman will be in your life for a long time. The first thing I would say, is that it should be your fiancee who talks to her about this problem- definitely not you. But, you two need to recognize that a wedding is not just about the two people getting married. It is a celebration that brings family together that haven't seen each other in a long time. Your future mother-in-law is excited to share this event with family members that are close to her. The best way to divide the list is to give you and your fiancee a number of people you can invite, then give your parents a number, and then her parents a number. That way, everyone has to make their own decisions about who to cut/invite from the list.

Also, try to remember that, although this is a big deal, it's not the end of the world. If you have accepted their offer to pay for the wedding, that is almost certainly going to come with strings attached. Pick your battles wisely. If there are simply not enough spots for all of your very important guests, then sit down with your future in-laws and your fiancee and figure out a way to adjust the budget to allow for extra guests.

In the end, bite your tongue when it comes to dealing with your future mother-in-law about the wedding. It should be your fiancee who has this discussion with her. There will be many more of these types of problems cropping up in the future, and this is good practice for how you two will cope with them. Good luck and congratulations on getting married. I'm sure your wedding will be a success if you focus on the purpose and not the particulars.

Answer 6

I think if your gf can pose this to her mother as a question that she cant say no to, then your gf will gain more control over the situation. For example when looking at the list of guests and seeing only 20% are the grooms guests, she could say "Isnt this too unbalanced? This is just as important day for Rick too, dont you think he would like to share it with his family and close friends?" She would have to be a real b**** to say no!
If your gf cannot gain control of the situation, you & her should announce that you are helping cover the cost of the wedding, so that you will be able to invite all the important people in your life.
BTW you and your gf should be a united force on this issue.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Oh the joys of wedding planning and future in-laws. The first thing you need to do is sit down with your future wife and tell her how you feel. Tell her it is very important to you that you have these friends and family members with you. Tell her while you appreciate her parents help (the brides parents usually pay by the way) you do not appreciate them taking full controll of the weddingl Let her know that your wedding day is special to both of you. Once you have squared things with her you then need to speak to your future in-laws. I know this can be nerve wracking but why start off on the wrong foot. If you let them take over the wedding the next thing they will be taking over is the grandkids. Nip it in the bud now. Tell them that you truly appreciate the fiancial support that they are providing for this wedding Then hand them a list of the people that you want included. Let them know that all of the people on the list are going to come to the wedding. and that it is non negotiable. Make sure their daughter speaks up to. She should tell them that it is important to her that you also have your friends and family with you on this special day. Have your future wife also make a list of friends and family that she wants there. Provide that to the future in laws and tell them these are the only people that you want at your wedding. Explain to them that this is your special day and you don't want it over shadowed by a bunch of strangers or family that you know nothing about. And finally if all this doesnt work....
BABY LETS GO TO VEGAS. Elope, I got married in Vegas and it was the best thing I could have ever done. None of the family bickering over who can come to the wedding and who had to be left out, what food to have where to have it the whole photography thing. Instead of being stressed my husband and I had the time of our lives. We had a beautiful chapel with an organist, flowers, cake and photography so they are not all cheesey out there. Good luck to you and your future bride. Remember don't back down. If you backdown on this issue you won't have a leg to stand on in other issues.

Answer 8

How about you propose that you both write down everyone you'd like to invite then go through together and eliminate evenly? Perhaps it would be a good thing for you both to compromise.

Or you could always offer to pay for the guests from your side who would take the total over 100.

You're not wrong here, but remember you're going to have the same MIL for a long time!

Answer 9

I would tell her that although they are paying for the wedding that it would make your bride and you a special day to have the people you love there for the wedding and to include everyone for the reception. That way everyone will get to meet and enjoy the celebration together. Make new friends, introduce family to those who've never met and the kids can be themselves too!!!

A win / win situation for all.

Answer 10

Make your list and give it to her.
Then remind her that it is your wedding too, and that theses people being there are important to you.

If she disagrees elope, or cancel the whole wedding & see how she reacts.

If she says she is paying therefore she gets to choose the guest list tell her you will pay for your own guests.

Also 100 doesn't have to be stuck to if you realy want to invite 150, remember some won't be able to come.

Answer 11

Your a guy so stay out the wedding making decisions It's your new wifes day your just part of the program...
As for the invites just stand your ground do a 60/40 split on the guest list..(you get 40%)
As for kids get a baby siitter for them... the parents will thank you for it... they want to enjoy the ceramony w/o the responsibilty of looking after them.. besides the kids will not remember the event....
The mother in law should be making the brides guest list it's her party.... YOu can't begin to under stand what it is to give your daughter away to another who you barely know and have protected for twenty years. It's both the happyest and saddest day in her life(moms and gf's)..If you don't like those apples refuse the $$$.
YOUR not grafeful enough.......