Step Child Problems?

Question

Okay, I have asked this question before and got a bunch of insulant answers, like grow up, you knew what you were getting into when you married him etc.

Now, I have bent over backwards to be a good step-mom. Taking the kid and his friends to the movies (paid for the whole thing), buy his clothes (dad is too cheap to front me money for it). Take him places. Planning things to do over summer vacation. Clean his pissy sheets because he still wets the bed at age 11.

I have a fully grown son who is on his own and I am kind of starting over. This kid never had any rules to speak of, refuses to do his homework, plays me against his father, has the hygiene habits of a pig wallowing in mud, and is totally disrespectful.

What should I do now? Don't say send him to his mom, cause she is dead. Is there anything I can do? Or am I just wasting my time, should cut my losses and get the hell out. The father isn't much help, he just looks the other way.

I have been giving him kisses and tons of hugs. I do treat him like my own. Sorry you hate your stepmoms. But I have bent over backwards and done cartwheels for this kid. I love him like my own and he is still a little shyt (probably much like you.)

Heresjohnny: I have been giving him kisses and tons of hugs. I do treat him like my own. Sorry you hate your stepmoms. But I have bent over backwards and done cartwheels for this kid. I love him like my own and he is still a little shyt (probably much like you.)

Answer 1

play him against his Dad and you can be his friend.

Answer 2

Honestly, I would have a hard time sleeping at night, knowing the situation and knowing I could help, but I'm being a cowered in my responsibilities to my children and using money as an excuse for it. I would find a way to afford it and take my children into my care and raise them right. You are right money does have a role, but the fact remains that these are his kids. They are his responsibility and if they are not being taken care of by their mother he is morally obligated to take over. That is my issue. It is selfish to leave them in the current circumstances. Having biological children may not be financially possible, but that is the risk you take when you marry someone that already has kids. Sometimes step children is all you get, but if you are raising them and they love you and you love them, if you put their needs above your own, that is what makes a parent. They don't need the newest toys, they need someone that is going to love them and support them into adulthood. No it's not fun to have to tell your kids no, but every parents has to do it. Even if you have the money to buy them everything, to do so is irresponsible. That just teaches them that life is easy. All they have to do is ask and they get whatever they want. It makes them spoiled. Making them earn things is better because they learn to appreciate what they have and it teaches them a work ethic.

Answer 3

Sounds like you need family counceling, at least the child needs it. He is suffering from the fathers attitude and loss of his mother. Start by getting him the childrens night time pants for bed wetters; then let him be responsible for clean up if there is any accident on sheets after that. Set rules and reward with outings, clothes etc. Dont give just cause he exists, but because he is doing the acceptable and proper thing. "This is a life rule -do good work / get rewarded with pay check". He needs to learn he is loved for who he is, but his actions have conquences and results that effect how the world accepts him and what he gets in return from it and the people in it.
It sounds like you have a relationship problem not just a step child problem. You need deal with this too. Much could be
solved with the child if you got a cooperative responce from
your partner and his father.
I commend you for your love and ethics in responsibility toward this boy...he really need you. As if life isn't hard enough the he should have a non caring father after loosing
his mother. That is a hard one to deal with as a child. Thank you for giving of yourself to him....

Answer 4

You don't really say what he is doing to be a little sh!! but can't be worse than my step son he turned me into CPS 3 times just cause he was mad at me. Of course it was all unfounded. I just treat him as if he is one of my kids and let him be who he is. he is probably angry with his mom for dying and his father for not giving a sh!! but just remember he will come around when you are the only one there helping him when he gets into real trouble.Be patient and kind to him. If you love your husband then no matter what the kid does do not let him end your marriage. Love him Love him. You may not be a fan of Dr. Phil but he has good advice you are not the one who should be discipline your stepson that is his fathers job but you and your husband need to be untied Stop doing so much for him and then maybe he will realize how much you actually do do for him. He is old enough to wash his own clothes and sheets.

Answer 5

I could be snotty and say something about - you knew how this kid was before you married his dad - but that's salt in sore wounds.

Darling, I think you've already made up your mind...

And it's understandable. An undisciplined, disrespectful child is like an untrained, unsocialized dog - a public nuisance.

It's obvious that you've had it up to "here" with insolent child and indifferent father. Neither of whom show you any kind of respect.

You, in fact, deserve better.

Sadly, it won't get any better.

With that in mind - and given your state of mind, I'd cut my losses and tell Dad and Lad that things just aren't working out and why. Then leave. No drama. No ultimatums, no trade-offs, no negotiations. Just pack your stuff and be gone and stay that way.

Save any future communications between you and Dad for your lawyers.

Now understand this. Love has nothing to do with it. Despite this kid's problems, you love him very much. You love his dad very much. But you love yourself more - you love yourself so much that you're not going to put up with this kind of treatment any more.

And, it's obvious that since the two of them don't respect you, they don't love you.

Too bad - I'm sure you really try to be a good parent - and it's obvious you are a good parent - given that your own biological children turned out fine.

So make plans, cut your losses and leave.

Do this as amicably as you can - but get out of there. It will only get worse as kid hits puberty.

Answer 6

People don't just get respect, they have to earn it..he has not earned the right to the privileges you are giving him. Stop doing all for him but the basics. As far as wetting the bed, cunsult a doctor it might be medical, but even at 11 years old he can learn that for his actions there are consequences, by not treating you and oyur husband with respect he needs to learn and understand that he will lose some of the privileges. It is hard for the parents but stick to it, he will thank you later. I would also suggest to you that you have a good heart to heart with your husband about your intentions to now 'demand' respect from his child, I would also advise you to demand it from your husband about the financial situation about purchasing his sons clothes, when the child runs out and says he needs some and complains to 'daddy' and 'daddy' tells you too...tell him you would love to and fork over the cash...good luck

Answer 7

try to remember hes 11 and that's the beginning of a awful time as you remember from raising your own son the hygiene thing will turn around when he discovers girls trust me raised 4 boys and they all were lil mud puppies until girls were discovered lol.the bed wetting is a much bigger issue he either has a medical reason for it or an emotional reason and with the sounds of things i would think it might be emotional.try to find a child councilor it might be the best thing for you both.now as for dad turning his head from the problems that's just not fair to you and definitely not to his son dad needs to wake up and get involved in his sons life and as for the way the child behaves it could be linked to the behavior of his father.if a child doesn't get positive attention he will get negative .

Answer 8

I can't say I know what you are going through, but i did give my step-mom pure h*ll. I learned to love her. Need to talk to dad and come up with some sort of plan for this child. If he gives you full authority on this boy, then continue what you are doing. He will come around his mom is dead, dad don't care and he is going through puberty. All he has is his step-mom who is still trying to build a bond with him. Get him in counseling it will help and maybe they can help make a plan for you and how to handle this.

Answer 9

I guess without his fathers help this problem is very difficultto resolve....you must talk it out with his father...okay do u want me to say bad things about this man who marries a woman and then makes her take care of his kids without making any efforts to help her...what does he think...has he married a maid...i am really feeling pissed off at his behaviour...its just not right...whatever is happening....he is acting like an *** hole.....like a selfish person....make the monkey sit with u and tell him what his kid is doing...discuss it and try sorting it out...if he doesnt understand then let the do whatever he does...its just u r trying to be caring he is acting more stupid...stop worrying yourself to death....it angers me....your hsband is an *** hole i am sorry to say this but if he is not heling you in this matter he is an *** hole.....i think i should calm down ....try calmly discussing this matter with your husband.....thats the only solution...only he can change this kid...

Answer 10

Maybe you should look the other way as well. Maybe dad and son will wake up and see how much you do for them and show a little appreciation. That's probably wishful thinking, but I would try it before walking. Good luck!

Answer 11

The kid is jealous. Be his friend. Treat him like he was your own. I've never met a step mother who isnt a total *****. Try being nice. Nice is not buying things. Nice is hugs and kisses and showing affection. Love him. He knows you don't like him so he is going to be the biggest pain in the **** to you! If you can't find it in yourself to love this kid, leave before you screw up his life. Liviing with someone who activily hates you will make you nuts. So if loving him doesnt work get out before you ruin his life.