Atheists - Are there any suggestions for handling grief and where can I find a non-theist burial ceremony?

Question

My Mother passed away in December and my Brother shortly after in January (less than a month apart). We couldn't bury them, because it was winter, so we had to have them cremated and we buried them when the ground thawed out.

My question is ......

We just had their burial last week. My mother was a Catholic, and her husband is a practicing Catholic. For him and her, we held a religious ceremony, with a Catholic Priest officiating. My Brother wouldn't have cared one way or the other. (Like he said, he's dead, what does he care.) But it left me kinda empty, it really did not help me. All the "pray for us sinners" and stuff, and being welcomed home in heaven with God the Father. It was kinda creepy.

Are the funerals/burials for the dead or the one's left here?

For my own, I want it to be more neutral, appealing to both sides. Where would I be able to get some ideas for a more non-theist funeral?

I definitely had/have respect for my mother's beliefs and my brother's. He wasn't Catholic and she wasn't a practicing Catholic.

What we did is give our step-father control. He is a devout Catholic. And that was okay.

But I don't want to do this to my daughter. She found it very hard, as we are not practicing Christian's.

I want to prepare for my imminent death and ensure a more non-theist ceremony for my own passing. My daughter has been asking me for suggestions, but you wouldn't believe how scarce the information is for such things.

Answer 1

A funeral service can be what you choose. If you pre-arrange, you can order your service, as you choose. Over the years I've been a part of some of those services. If you are interrested e-mail and I will give you two or three non-theistic solutions

Answer 2

"Would you be more willing to look at Christianity (or Islam) and think "Hey, maybe there IS some truth behind this"?" Maybe. But you would still have to go a long long long way to demonstrating that there was a deity behind it. After all an atheist by definition doesn't believe in deities. That doesn't including a lack of belief in 'truth'. It actually sounds like what you're describing is closer to Buddhism. Although I'm not a Buddhist either. I believe extremely strongly in peace though. I think our short time alive is completely wasted on absurdities like war hate and violence. I also believe strongly in letting people live their lives however they like up to the point where it affects others. This is actually my greatest objection to some Christians and Christianity. If christians could find a way to make their belief system a belief system and not a 'make others believe at any cost' system I would at least think they have the right basic philosophy. I think you would get more flies as it were with honey than thumbscrews.

Answer 3

See the link below for one example.

My husband's mother died in January and he officiated at the service..I think it was along the same lines as the example. He did some poetry readings and talked about his mother. He had asked each of the children what their memories of their mom were and he had quotations from each of the kids. Then he asked if anyone wanted to say anything and a few people came up to read something or talk. And then he finished with a few more words about how it was now ended and so on. Pretty simple. Then I think people went by the open grave and threw in flowers and after that, starting with the children, people shoveled earth over the coffin. It was very moving. If you want the quotations you can email me at templewhore at gmail.

But aside from that, it is really a process of grieving. The pain and loss only diminishes with time. My father died in 1993 and I still miss him all the time. I'm so sorry for your losses.

For myself, I'm hoping my family will play Stairway to Heaven and have a midnight candlelighting ceremony. I want my body to be wrapped in something festive and buried in a plain wooden casket, under a tree. And hopefully someone will have good memories of me.

Answer 4

Write your own according to the inspirations in your life so that it reflects the values you held. Just like you would tell a funeral director if you wanted a Christian, Jewish or any other funeral, make it known to whomever you need to that you want a very secular funeral, with the crosses, religious music, the eulogy spoken, prayer, blessing or what ever you want to call them and any other religious images absent form the service. Any funeral director will be more than happy to oblige you. Find the theme, whatever it is, that best reflects what gave your life value and concentrate on that. Your favorite secular music, poems or other writings are things that you might want to choose for yourself, lest someone flavor the service against your desires. I've done something similar to this and posted it on a blog, so I'd better let someone know some day about it or they'll never know it exists.

Answer 5

Grieving doesn't have to have any religious context to it. You loved someone. They're no longer among the living. And that's about it. I'm not an atheist but I also have no religion, per se. In our family, some of whom have strict religious back-ground, have reached an uspoken agreement that there never be "funerals" but rather "going away parties". It's where we gather, regardless of the religious context in which the formal is taken care of but where we gather as the loved ones and those who loved the deceased to celebrate a life well-lived. Religion and spirituality are not part of it when we are together. Any memories of we have are shared, or we use the time to reconnect, as we all feel our departed one would have liked. Some extended attendees don't "get it" and will try to bring their religion into the mix but we handle it, with what I perceive to be, grace. Out of respect. We listen and do not "go there". It's not about them or us. It's about the one who remains in our memory and hearts. And it's always a good time. Some tears of grief come forth but that's the way it goes. They are replaced easily with tears of joy and appreciation for having known them.

Answer 6

My sympathies for your losses, and I hope you find peace and acceptance of your loss, and the love that will help to supplement the love that you have lost.

My belief is that funerals and memorial services are for those left behind. Regardless of whether you believe in God, heaven, eternal sleep, or nothingness, the spirit is gone from this earth. The dead can take no comfort from beautiful flowers or beautiful words.

As for finding ideas for either a very theist or very non-theist funeral, there is only one religious (or more correctly, philosophical) organization that can help you with a service with any level of theism and spirituality that you like, from devout Christian, to those inclusive of other faiths, to totally atheist.

I have never been to a Universalist Unitarian church, but I have read much about them from UU and non-UU sources. They are more of a philosophical than religious organization, and accept people into their fellowship (or study groups) regardless of what their beliefs are. Their goal, as I understand it, is to welcome everyone and to learn from each other. I read a quote from one UU person who said something like, "If you say you don't believe in God, you won't be told you're wrong, you'll be asked why you believe that."

I'm no expert on UU by any means, and I stand to be corrected by anyone who is, but I do believe that you might find that environment, as well as their handling of funerals and other such events more compatible with your feelings and beliefs. I only offer that in an effort to help you with your dilemna and hopefully to help you find peace.

Again, my condolences and best wishes to you and to your brother, and to all the loved ones of those whom you lost.

Answer 7

I'm not an atheist but if you want a more neutral ceremony why not have your loved ones play a few of your favorite songs and they could say why they were your favorite. You could ask that everyone bring their favorite picture of you and share a precious memory of you. They could read a contemporary poem or sing a song at the gravesite in leiu of a religious sermon/prayer.

Answer 8

Just talk to your family about your own funeral, and make your wishes known to everyone.

As for funerals, I think that mostly, they're to give the family some closure.

As for handling grief, talking to close friends and family is always a good idea. If that doesn't help, seek a grief counselor.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

Hi -first of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. As far as handling grief, spend time with those that you care about. If possible, do things that you enjoy and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel sad. Time is the only thing that will truly heal the wounds that you feel.

I'm sorry, but I don't know of any non-theist cemeteries. I just plan to be cremated. I don't know what my survivors will do with my ashes, so I suppose I should offer some suggestions before I die.

Again, I'm really sorry; and particularly sorry that people have been barraging you with platitudes like "pray for us sinners, blah, blah, blah..."

Answer 10

It's kind of late to be thinking of alternate ceremonies, but for your own peace of mind, you might consider many "Eastern" religions (Shinto, Buddhism, Hinduism), which allow you to combine some "pagan" or earth-centered ideas with the idea of human afterlife.

Even from a strict "scientific" standpoint, if you think of the raw material from your loved ones' bodies going back into the earth, and recycling into new life forms, while memories of them remain dispersed in hundreds of different peoples' brains, it's not difficult to picture a literal "afterlife" in some form.

The fact is that much of "who we are" can be defined in terms of "patterns" (that we live), and the "patterns" of your loved ones DO live on in everybody who knew them, to a greater or lesser extent. Thus, the essence of a person may ripple throughout time beyond the reach of their physical hands.