he was kicking the baby ....?

Question

he's four, he's my step son, and he was kicking and hitting my ten month old. I've tolerated him trying to kill his older brothers at least they can defend themselves. But who at any age is sadistic enough to attack a baby? I realize he is jealous of the baby, I realize he needs couseling, tried it, it's obviously not working. They won't medicate him til he's five. WHAT DO I DO? If you want more description on him read my other questions? I told him we wouldn't abandon him, I can't send him to his mother. She will just beat him again. The bi&^% even locked him in dark closets. I don't know what to do for him. Is there a way to have him committed for a while for everybodies safety? Where can I send him? I can't allow him to hurt my baby. I can't. And yes he was supervised we were all in the room with him he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything, I've never met such a sad twisted indiviual in all my life and he's only four. And since everybody is gonna say get him therapy HE IS.

I don't LET him try to kill the other children I tolerate it because it's illegal to lock him up. And I called social services and they were stumped, I talked with 7 different people and none could help me. He does this at night while they are asleep. But the baby was while we were watching TV. What can I do? And since someone asked for dad's opinion... dad says to send him back to his mother " she created this monster she should deal with him killing her in the middle of the night" I told him no way in HELL.

Answer 1

Well if he was beaten by his mother is his behavior all that shocking to you? This child has been traumatized and needs to see a professional child counslor. It isn't his fault, it is a learned behavior. I know you have tried counseling and are trying it but it is going to take time. You need to give him lots of attention, but also do not allow him around your young child, even if you supervise him. I think its sad that your talking about a four year old this way. The fact that he was beaten by his mother doesn't even seem to matter to you...besides the fact that you can't send him back to her. He is twisted because he was made this way, and he is only four. With counseling and love you can change his behavior. If you do nothing he'll turn into criminal.

*edit*
If your stepson is doing it at night your baby needs to sleep in the room with you. This child needs help. I agree that this child should NEVER go back to his mother. Not only will that concrete your step son in his violence (which with LONGTERM counseling can get better) it puts him in danger...a lot of danger. I can't believe his father would just send him back to the abuse. Thats actually kinda sick. Anyway, Now that I know that you are taking up for him I comend you on that. The only way to fix this is with a child counsoler. He has learned this behavior from his abusive mother. You should not let him hit the other children at all, even if they are older. Don't spank him obviously but put him in time out or figure out a consequence for when he acts badly or hits. Consistancy, Love, and Counseling can fix this. It isn't to late. Just don't give up.

Answer 2

First off, I would call my lawyer and see about getting permanent custody of this child. Mommie Dearest sounds less than deserving of caring for this poor child. Inform your husband that he MUST spend some quality time alone with the kid, whether it be a long car ride to see the sights, a day at the coast, a spring camping trip, whatever. Don't even THINK of hitting the child yourself... it will only send mixed signals (you can't hit, but I can hit you, I've never understood that) Besides, it's obvious he's in a fragile state right now. Talk to relatives of the mother (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) If they do not agree with what this ***** is doing to the child, encourage them to spend some QT with the child as well. If they DO agree, well, it's just more toxic people who should be cut out of the child's life.

And when you feel he is old enough (probably in a year or so) see about a really good Child Psychotherapist to help him overcome his fears, anxieties and angers. I can tell he will need one desperately. Good luck, my blessings are with you.

Answer 3

What, if any, are the consequences when he has this sort of behavior? And where is your husband in all of this as far as what to do for him?
I don't think I would send him away, but I do understand about not hurting the baby. Is he angry at everyone all the time? What does the therapist say? I also think I would find a different doctor if they are not willing to help this little boy with some medication. I know I'm asking more questions than giving answers but it's hard to answer the question well without knowing some of these other variables.

Answer 4

Depending on what state you live in, there are in-patient facilities for his age group. Therapy isn't gonna do the trick with the abuse that he has incountered. He wants to feel loved and safe...yet, at the same time, it terrifies him. Any affection toward another one of the children is viewed as a threat. He is reflecting onto your baby his own feelings, and mimicking what he has been taught. He more than likely feels jealousy and envy over the way other siblings in the family are treated, since he was never shown the affection and attention that a child in a "normal" family would receive.
If the therapist you are going to doesn't see the dangers in his actions....seek another one. Start making calls and finding out what facilities will accept his age group.
Don't give up!! Protecting your family..including him, has to be your main objective.

Answer 5

This is really tough for you! I bet you feel so torn. From the sounds of it, he was tortured. He has no way of knowing how to love, how to be gentle or how to cope with emotions. Most 4-yr-old have learned to exercise some control of their emotions but he hasn't had the chance. The best thing you can do is obviously rescue the baby and keep the baby out of harm's way. Once the baby is taken care of, help the 4-yr-old. Don't let him attack his older siblings either. Set up a special place (most likely in the living room) full of big pillows and some bean bags and nothing hard at all. Give it a good five square feet or so. When he gets to where he is acting out violently, take him there. Sit him down. Let him just thrash and freak in the pillows. If he likes the feel, bury him in the pillows or put a moderately heavy bean bag on him (it really feels good sometimes). Talk with your therapist about hug therapy. There are several problems that your 4-yr-old faces, he doesn't understand love, and is afraid to trust it. Hug therapy's goal is to help him understand that he cannot act bad enough to drive you away, nothing he can do will make you not love him. The idea is that when he is out of control you hug him (not hold him down, but hold him). He gains the comfort of being held and begins to learn that no matter how much thrashing and carrying on he does, you are still there. Still loving him, still holding him, still wanting him. Another helpful strategy is to redirect that hurtful energy and make/help him administer first aid to those he hurts. Have him get a bandaid and put it on the baby, have him point out where he hurt the baby. It will help him to understand that the baby feels just like he does and doesn't want to get hurt. Whatever you do, NEVER EVER SPANK HIM! He has been hurt and needs to be able to trust that you won't hurt him too. He may never be quite right after what he suffered, but what he needs most is to be able to trust the love of your family. Enlist his older brothers to help. Tell them that when he gets violent, angry or afraid that they should tell him that they love him. They don't need to let him hurt them and they should never hurt him back. They should wrestle when he is calm and help him see where the line is between fun and hurting. I am so very sorry for what he suffered and what his suffering is doing to your family. I applaud you for trying and for being there. He is not the only one who needs therapy, a therapist can work with the whole family to make things better. I worked with kids with disabilites and behavioral disturbances for a long time, if you need someone to talk to, you can email me. Best wishes and lots of love.

Answer 6

Wow, first of all that child is in your care, and eye for an eye sweat heart. But I understand you don't want to punish him but try to sit him down every time he does something wrong, make him tell you what hes feeling and why he did it. Get him to talk to you if it repeating I will not do it again. When he lies and does it again, you do it again. Children need attention and he seems to need it a lot in a loving affectionate way. Don't ignore one thing, watch everything and explain to everyone in a sitting with the family how he is going to be treated. ... Make it understood that it is not OK to be physically abusive .. no hitting at all not even playing. Make everyone understand that if he does something wrong it is needed to be known of and dealt with ASAP.
If he continues this trait he will end up in the worst place.

Answer 7

i dont know exactly what you should do, this seems a very difficult & upsetting situation. do you know if he is purposly hurting the baby? if he is then i can only suggest that you time out him (maybe in a corner or somewhere where he is not locked in a room alone, because of what you say his mother has done) or try talking to him & explaining why its wrong. maybe he is only accidently hurting the baby?? sometimes children dont realise how fragile babies are.

have you spoken to your husband about the situation? if not maybe you should & try to work the problem out together. or if he is aware of what is happening, maybe he needs to just spend some time alone with the boy. does he get enough ONE on ONE time?? regardless of how many children you have & how well they get along, they still need time alone with each parent. & yes that includes you!! if you are a primary caregiver then it would probably be benificial for you to have one on one time with him to! if all this fails then youre probably right & you need to contact a professional to help resolve this problem. he is still very young & you can give him a happy &fulfilling life!! dont let this keep happening!! God knows what kind of person he will become if allowed to keep behaving this way!! Good Luck!!

Answer 8

I really cannot believe the responses your getting on this matter, are these people psycho?? telling you to hit him and lock him in a room??? HELLOOOOOOO people did you not read what this boys biological mother has already done to him!!!!!

This baby needs your love!! There is still hope for this young man,. yes it is going to be hard work but it will sooooo pay off. How involved is your husband? This is his child and he really needs to step up to the plate with the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for this child. He needs to feel included, not out-casted. Get the whole family involved in this. Sit down once a week with yourselves and the older children and throw some ideas around. Maybe even some FAMILY counseling, since this, in-fact affects the whole family.
I myself am going thru the damage my husband has left in my son's heart, mind etc etc. It's not an easy clean up. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. This boy needs to be reconditioned with love, trust, support, patience.....the list goes on. He needs to feel included, he sounds so lost. Don't push him away by secluding him from everyone else. I did that with my son and mannnnn is it backfiring!!! I can go on and on.......... if you ever need to vent on messenger or anything please email me. I really feel your pain on this. You also need a support system to keep you sane!

Answer 9

It sounds like he needs a ton of love and attention. Violence is his way of gaining attention which obviously needs to stop. He went from attacking his older brothers (which is definitely not okay even though they can defend themselves) to your baby. He kicks, he fights, and then is rewarded by being talked to from you or Hubby. I've gone to conferences concerning behaviors like this. One thing I recall is: When he does something he is supposed to do, anything, it could be walking to the table for dinner, using a fork properly, sitting quietly watching TV, putting on his shoe, drinking without spilling, LITERALLY ANYTHING, you recognize what he is doing by describing, as if taking a picture and describing it to him. You may say something to the extent of: I see how carefully you are drinking from the cup, you are using two hands and slowly raising it to your mouth and you are not spilling!
He is definitely craving attention, and it is easier for him to get negative attention.

So, make it easier for him to get POSITIVE ATTENTION.

After a couple days to weeks of constant (like every 10-20 minutes) recognition in a positive way, meaning a lot of time on you and your husband's part, you will see a huge difference.

Also, designate a spot: chair, table, area on the rug (NOT the bed). Make it appealing, throw in a nice stuffed animal, blanket, book. Call it the Calming spot, or Cool Down area, and talk with him (when he is calm). Tell him that that is the place where he will go when he is frustrated or mad and feels like hitting someone.

When he does kick or hit or whatever to his older brothers, you, your baby, or anyone: Lead him to his cool down space. Tell him he is to remain there for 4 minutes, give him a four minute timer (A cheap timer from the market). Do not give him any warning, just lead him there, and walk away. If he leaves the spot, hold his hand gently and walk him there again, etc.

When you see that he is going to potentially get violent, talk to him: "I see your face turning red, and you are breathing heavily. This concerns me because you are showing me you are becoming angry." Be DESCRIPTIVE but NONjudgemental. If he calms down give him a big hug. If he storms off, let him, then talk with him when he's calm.

He has come from such a terrible situation. Right now, he needs a lot of love and care. I know that seems hard when he does things that make you want to send him away. And it's extremely hard to stop and not take what he does personally, like when he kicked your baby, but just remember who you are to him. You are the adult who has the power to completely transform his entire being. He is looking to you as a model and he is crying for attention.

Answer 10

What does his father think? Really, you can't allow him to beat anyone. He will end up thinking it's okay. I had the same problem with a younger child in my class. His mother allowed him to wrestle older children, so he tried it with younger children. Now, this child was two, and didn't know the difference. Your stepson is old enough to know the difference, but you can't set the precedent that it's okay for him to do this with anyone. If he was being abused, then he needs to see a child psychologist. He doesn't need to be in an institution. He needs care, love, and above all supervision. Do not allow him to become violent. If he begins that, he need to be removed from the situation and explain to him and show him, how to handle a baby. Don't keep them separated.