Cut off toxic family, still feel grief and loss?

Question

In order to protect my own family, I stopped contact with my father, mother, and 2 sisters.
It started when one sister's teenage son was charged with over 10 counts of child molestation including penetration. My sister did not tell me. I got a tip. We had a family reunion planned with shared housing. I confronted her. She said that her son did not know that he what he had was wrong and I had ruined the vacation. I forgive her because she was in shock and denial. She continued to pressure me to get "the kids" together, even though her son was still involved with one of the victims, his younger brother, unsupervised, without therapy. When she told me that her sons did not know why I was keeping my daughter from them, I had to stop.
My father is a severe alcoholic. Last time I saw him he fondled my breasts. My mother is a mean drunk. My other sister has been a heroin addict for years and was in prison.
Why do I feel so bad about cutting off contact to protect my daughter?

Answer 1

because deep down you still feel like you can change them.
No matter how much you want to be in denial the one thing that made you who you are today is all of them.
I suggest if you feel bad about not seeing them write it down in something along with the actions that spurred that thought.
Keep track of it and you might be able to recognize some sort of pattern and correct your behavior. Where as you no longer have to think about them.
I know it is alot easier said then done, but if you can correct the behavior you might be able to control the thought.
I have to say this you sound very strong, smart, and loving.
Don't feel bad, but rejoice in the thought that you ARE being a very good MOM.
You are doing more for your daughter then most.

Answer 2

I think the loyalty factor that some families have is what causes this guilt. It's like the ultimate sin is to betray the family unit. These "unspoken" messages still find their way into our psyche's and tell us what we are doing is wrong. That is what we are programmed to believe. But the truth is what you are doing is probably the first right thing anyone in your family has done in a long time. Your job is to protect your daughter and yourself. Cutting off from these people is the right thing to do if they take no ownership of their behavior and make no changes. Imagine how you would feel if you continued to play along with them and your daughter was molested by your dad or her cousin. I know that would kill you. Don't let there be any chance of that. Go out into the world and find a new family that is sane and healthy. And if there are ever any changes with your old one, you can consider letting them back in. I wish you and your daughter the very best.

Answer 3

There is a lot of manipulation going on, I truly believe that your family loves you dearly, I know it may not seem like it but they do. Often Moms do get jealous of daughters but don't read too much into it, it is really normal. I think you need a therapist, often we all do. The reason your mom says God will punish you is because she really wants a relationship with you. You do need to speak with the family but from a distance, if your mom leaves you messages she is reaching out to you (maybe not in the right way) but be grateful because some parents never call their children. Honestly I think you should bend a little, I know your family is a major challenge but use the phone but first agree with your mom " no talking about the past" (if they can do that then great just have a normal conversation) I know you have given a lot financial ( i was in a similar situation) but don't let $ ruin your family. Use the phone and when things get better you can start to visit slowly. I would slowly get back with the family but from a distance As for money, I have a rule, If I can afford it I give... even though i have been used often I still give as long as I can afford it. Yes this will cause you to be used but as long as it is not hurting your pockets..give anyway. You cannot feel indifference towards them, they are your family, be bigger than them and bend

Answer 4

I really feel for you. You really have had a loss and you had to take it upon yourself to give your family up. There is no way that you can trust your children's (and apparently your own) safety around them. You've wisely chosen to live up to the responsibility you have to your children, even though it means a very difficult sacrifice.

Why do you feel bad? I think you have plenty of reasons. Everyone has an idea of what their family "should" be like. For some people, all they have to deal with is an opinionated brother or a too-loud mother or a critical sister-in-law and that's enough to have them avoid being with their relatives. Everyone feels bad about it, but they can't handle being around each other--they feel that it hurts their self-confidence.

You're talking about a completely different level of danger. I suppose you might feel guilty and also feel somewhat orphaned. I'd also feel that my family had really let me down and they could change if they loved me enough.

Well, that's my take on your situation. I think the "bad" you feel is truly grief and that emotion is very appropriate to the loss of your family.

I think you're a very good and very brave mother. Thank you.

Answer 5

If everything you're saying is true, you're doing the right thing. It's natural to have sadness in your heart due to the desire to have a functional and loving family. However, being realistic and cautious is the best approach. You are mourning the death of relationships that you've had all your life. The same as if you were mourning their actual physical death. These are all emotions that are normal and healthy. Only time will lessen the grief that you feel. Your grief will never disappear. You'll just not think of it as often. The same emotions happen in divorce, death of a loved one or the loss of anything that you have felt close to. My advice to you is to get professional or clerical help in how to deal with your loss. But, be firm in your decision to withdrawal your connections with the bad elements within your family. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Answer 6

Total disconnection from anyone who is sexually abusive toward you is not an option it is a must. Yes, fondling is sexual abuse! Do not put your daughter in an atmosphere that is this unstable and sick!! Do not make excuses for anyone family, friend, or foe. Protect yourself and your child at all cost.Your first and foremost responsibility to your daughter is to keep her safe. Nurture her in a healthy environment even if it means parting with people who are no good for the well-being of you and your daughter. If you have feelings of guilt for doing so then I advise you to seek a good therapist. It sounds like you don't have enough supportive people in your life or you would have never asked this question to strangers. A good therapist can help you to sort out your feelings and bring you to realizations that currently are a bit muddled for you. I urge you to get support !
Good luck to you.......laceyemerill

Answer 7

I'm not going to tell you not to feel bad, because that is obviously easier said than done.
However, you absolutely did the right thing. Most parents would protect their children in simple ways like monitoring what they watch on TV. Of course they will be aware of the people they are associating with. If people in your own family are unhealthy associates for you daughter, you are completely in your right to cut them out of your life.
I'm sure it will continue to hurt for a while yet, but in the long run, as you clearly already know, this will be best.

Answer 8

Dear God, cutting them off is the smartest thing you could have done! Just make sure you are talking to someone about these things, a psychiatrist, a good stable friend, etc..old habits are hard to break. Don't ever feel bad about protecting your daughter from situations like those...they are exactly the things that destroy innocence,,,and life does a good enough job of that in its own due time. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle...

Answer 9

You,ve done the right thing. What a family! You did right to protect your daughter this way. She doesn,t need to be put into this mess. You are right to keep her out of a mess, especially with the sister,s son who is a sex perv. Keep her MILES away from the perv, and you should be OK. No telling what he,d do otherwise.

Answer 10

STOP! I lived this exact same situation...and my mom did not feel the same way. I grew up being molested my entire life. You are protecting your children, because you are a better person then them. They just don't get it. And to tell you the ugly honest to god truth they probably in their own minds have thought about molesting children themselves if they will stick up for child molesters, even if they are their own children. One of my molesters was my uncle, and for a wedding gift they flew him to my wedding. There was a huge fight, he was not allowed there. And half of my family showed up. Can you beleive they were mad at me???????

For the love of god...do not feel bad! Protect your child!