I have 7 brothers and sisters, and my mom lives with me.. I am finding it very hard everyday to see how my mom is slowly losing herself....She is 79 yrs.old,she's been through alot in her life,she has a big scar on her back from when she was working in the rice fields in Japan (16yrs.old),when the USA bombed Japan..she married my dad and came to the states,raised 8 children,dealt with my dad's drinking,hasn't been back to Japan since she left,almost 50 yrs. later...My siblings live about 30 or 40 miles from us,and no one calls or comes by to see her,almost like they forgot about her,(to busy with their own lives)of course atleast 5 out of 7 of them would call on mothers day,and certian holidays..Dementia is where she's at right now...I'm heartbroken watching her everyday,it doesn't get any better,I am 43yrs.old,i have custody of my 4yr.old granddaughter,so if I want to go anywhere ever, i have to get a sitter for both of them...The funny thing is ..my mom never liked me growing up.....
2007-05-23 03:32:55 · 12 answers · asked by tamichon 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Wow...so much like my situation... I am so sorry... you are a big woman to tend she that did not. I am sorry I cannot help more than to say you are a strong person and I hope you get your rewards soon.
2007-05-23 03:38:07 · answer #1 · answered by Edhelosa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How close are you to the rest of your siblings? This can make a difference in how easy this is.
I am assuming that your mother doesn't have a very large estate. But even still, this calls for high-level negotiations. One child will demand this trinket - while another child will want it as well - I watched my aunts fight over dish towels - and the same is happening with my own sisters over our elderly parents' estate - So know you are not alone.
I would hire a lawyer to act both as your mother's advocate and to mediate any kind of legal conflict between you and sibs.
I would also hire a counselor or minister to mediate any kind of "family issues" type conflicts that will arise.
This takes a WHOLE lot more advice than this forum will allow - but those are the people I would speak with first.
Then call a meeting of the siblings to determine what should happen with Mother now that she isn't able to care for herself.
Have 2 workable solutions - rotate within the family perhaps or an assisted care facility.
Best of luck. Know you are not alone.
2007-05-23 04:05:18 · answer #2 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you. The first thing is to visit any nursing homes you are considering. Find out about patient /staff ratio. Taste the food, smell the rooms, observe the general mood of the home. If there is a lot of screaming without being checked on do not chose them. Ask the Director of Nursing about the education level of the staff. Ask if the home has ever been fined for bad performance. Ask to see any evaluations of the home for the past few years. Ask about activites for your mother. How often are the residents bathed, linens changed. How often does a doctor visit?
Make notes of each home and chose once you have the information. You can change homes if you make a wrong choice but it is good to get it right the first time. Ask about roomates, private rooms. Your siblings will complain! Stand up for yourself. Do not be made to feel guilty. They don't:) Good Luck
2007-05-23 03:48:48 · answer #3 · answered by palynch_2000 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is tough. But first thing is to call all your siblings to let them know your mom's condition and that since she needs more constant care, you are looking for a long term care facility. If they want to be part of the search, that's fine. You could even ask if they know of any places close to their homes.
When choosing a place, go in the evening, look to see if the residents are up and about, or if they are stuck in bed. Smell the air, if you smell urine or feces, try some place else.
We had to place my father in a home. The first place sedated him because he was so much trouble. They sedated him to the point that he wasn't able to eat, had septic bedsores, and would have been dead if he had stayed there another week. He had to go into the hospital, where they told us it was just a matter of time before his death. because of the care he needed, we placed him in another facility, Brooksville Healthcare Center, Brooksville, Fl. They did not allow him to lay in bed, they have pet cats that 'visit' the patients, my father is a farmer, they allowed us to bring him tomato plants to tend. In less than 7 months, ( this after Dr.s told us he would never be able to live on own) My father was able to go home and be on his own. What I'm saying is that not all nursing homes are terrible. But you have to choose carefully. And above all , if you find a good facility, there is no need for guilt.
2007-05-23 04:05:24 · answer #4 · answered by meowqueen1953 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is very lucky to have you! Go on line and scope out some nursing homes, then make appointments to go visit them. Ask for their OSHA ratings and contact your states ombudsman which will tell you how they rate the home for care. Look at the staff. Are they friendly? helpful? Do they seem to care about the patients? I was a cna for years and they are the backbone of the facility. Take a couple of the girls (or guys) aside and briefly chat with them. They will be giving your mom the most personal care. And drop by unexpectedly. Trust me on this one! Remember, YOU are the boss and they work for you and your mom. If it were my mom I would do her personal laundry myself. Trust me on this one too.
Try to find one close to you so you can visit. this is the best thing for both of you. Good luck! You've been a good daughter.
2007-05-23 03:45:29 · answer #5 · answered by Bethany I 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well if your going to put her in a home do your research first!! If you watch the news there are always elderly people getting abused in those homes. So make sure you take care of everything and get a good home. And dont leave your mom there all the time with out visiting her.
2007-05-23 03:49:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She liked you but probably did not know how to show it. As far as the dementia start looking now and getting her name on lists so when the time comes when you can no longer handle it you have everything ready to go.
And unfortunately the minute you siblings hear she is in a home they will be outraged you did it so be prepared
2007-05-23 03:36:58 · answer #7 · answered by Jen S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it`s a hard decision but it`s time you started living for yourself......you need to consider time alone for you and your grand daughter she needs you now more..... as for a nursing home...visit some of them....there are nice ones visit and ask questions... It would be more beneficial for your mother too, they do alot of things with the elderly and would be able to spend more time with her..she would be in good hands.... God bless you for all you have done so far.....
2007-05-23 03:45:53 · answer #8 · answered by kashi07 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Visit the nursing homes and get a feel for them. Check on how well dressed and clean other residents are there, do they seem happy are they keeping them busy, is the staff nice, is it clean, how is the food, is it a private room, when can you visit, ect ect
2007-05-25 19:13:25 · answer #9 · answered by laura n 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well could you blame her, she probably anticipated you would one day throw her out into the nursing home. Or have you forgotten what she has done for you, bring your siblings in order and each care for her... i dont know how you see parents.. but we value them with the utmost respect
2007-05-23 03:49:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋