How can I set boundaries with my mom, keep her from smothering me and treating me like a kid? On one hand,?

Question

she's verbally and mentally abusive; on the other hand, she's smothering and overprotective! But I'm 34. We've NEVER had a good relationship.

She recently told me that when I was in college, she wished I would've gone to school closer to home, so she could have been on campus with me EVERY DAY. Uh, why?! Maybe some kids want that but who NEEDS that? I told her that wasn't normal AT ALL. And my mother protested vehemently. Then my aunt agreed with me, and if I recall, my mom didn't respond much. Bu I'm sure inwardly she still disagreed.

Before you ask, yes, she was severely neglected and abused as a kid on into adulthood (mainly by her own mom). So I understand her REASONS. Her sense of reality is distorted. But how can we bring it back into focus?

I recently told her she needs help, but she refuses. However, being around her makes me a tad sick. I just try to stay away so she won't drive me crazy too. But that's wrong...Help!

Answer 1

cut the apron strings .........................move on

Answer 2

We moms can't help it. We miss the dependent little baby we once had. We miss it too much. Your mom is dealing with the fact you don't need her like you once did. You are grown up. Because of her abusive childhood she wants to make sure you know you are loved. She doesn't want to repeat what she had to deal with as a child with you. In time she will calm down. Help your mom get involved in something that will take up her time. She needs a hobby. Something she can do something with. You are 34. Get married and have a child. That will help your case a lot. But, don't set boundaries for her. Love her. Just be honest with her. Sit down and talk to her frankly. Tell her what she is doing it cramping your life way too much. Tell her you love her, but you have a life to lead and can't worry about what she will do next to intrude. She will understand. She does need counseling. She should have had it years ago. Enlist the help of another persuasive family member to get her into therapy.

Answer 3

Moms always seem to treat their children as kids sometimes.Remember you will always be her baby. try to remind her gently that you are all grown up and are doing well and making adult decisions. Remind her of some or your accomplishments.let her know and feel that she did a great job of raising you to become a well adjusted and productive adult. thank her for doing so. let her feel needed still. Most of all cherish the fact she is still alive and here with you. you will miss her very much when the day comes that is is not.Love her just the way she is. tell her so, she probably needs to hear it because of not feeling that way as a child with her mom

Answer 4

You need to sit down with her and set CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Sometimes, she may not realize that she is crossing the line while other times, she could be crossing the line on purpose testing to see if you will put up with it. Set boundaries and make her aware that when she chooses to cross those boundaries, she loses her chance to have you visit. Treat it like you would a situation with a child. Negative consequences for negative behavior. She crosses the line, you stay away. She behaves, you come to visit. Try it out.

Hope this helps :)

Answer 5

In order for her to want help she has to realize that she needs help. You have to explain to her that the relationship that you to have is failing and if she doesn't help you can't guarantee that you will come home to see her until she does,but you need to also go to counselig with her to understand what she is going through and why she does the things does. She has to cut the apron srtings and you have to help her and tell her that you love her, but are a grown man and have to be able to be on your own and not worry so much if she is going to hurt herself or call you names becuase you are not around. Don't give up on her be there, you may be just the support she needs to get through.

Answer 6

You're in a toxic relationship with your mother. She won't get help unless she wants to and forcing her will only make her resent you.

Until she gets the help she desperately needs, limit your time with her as much as possible. And if you're brave enough, tell her that's what it's come to. Perhaps that will be a kick in the seat that she needs. Or, it may give you the peace YOU need.

Answer 7

You do not have a responsibilty to make your Mother happy, that is hers and hers alone. Make yourself happy. Set up boundaries.Learn to telll her no, you can't come over, you have plans, No, you can't talk on the phone anylonger, you have plans, No, you can't do this, no, no ,no . IF she exhibits behavior that is unacceptable to you, tell her you are leaving,etc. Ask her to get couseling for her childhood problems. That is her problem. If she refuses, you must limit time with her. You can't bring her back into focus, you can't make her do anything. She brought you into the world, not the oposite. Stay strong. ps I know you care for her_.

Answer 8

Tell her if people are suppose to remain attached to their mother's umbilical cord for life then everyone would walk around with one. There is such a thing as too close for comfort. Distance yourself, you cannot reason with someone that refuses to listen.

Answer 9

It sounds like you really need some distance. Look for a job out of the state. That will force her to let go for awhile.

Answer 10

Move Out of State.. Distance from your Mom will bring ya'll closer emotionally... try it... It work for me and my mom... :)
We used to be at each others throats all the time untill I left P.R.

Answer 11

In your moms mind, you are still a child or she wants to live her life through you. Either way it sounds to me like she needs some psychiatric counselling.