Father's behavior since mother's death has us concerned. Is it depression?

Question

My mother passed away in June of last year. She and my father were married for 43 years. My father started seeing someone from his past about six months after my mother's death. She lives in Alabama, and he lives in NC. For the past three months, they have been meeting in SC every other weekend. Trips costing $1000+ each.
He has been acting very different in the past month or so, mood swings, forgetfulness, etc. and it has my sister and I concerned.
My grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away last month. While she was in the nursing home, my uncle (who had power of attorney) and father had the beneficiaries changed on her IRA account (My dad was the agent who sold her the account) into just thier names, and split her remaining assets 50/50. These accounts originally had my mother and uncle as beneficiaries, and my mother's share would have been distributed to my sister and I. Also, my day took out a mortgage on his house, that had just been paid off in March of this year.

When confronted about grandmother's estate, he became very defensive, and we had no reason to be concerned about the estate and that we were just selfish, and greedy. He also said that if we didn't let it go, we would be excluded from his will.
We are concerned that he is not acting rationally. He has always been very conservitive and honest, however; the way my grandmother's estate was handled, the motgage on his home, and the expensive weekend getaways do not make any sense at all to us. He is also planing a trip to the Cayman Islands in July with his new friend. Is she just taking him for a ride? How should we talk to him about his reckless behavior without offending him?

Answer 1

First let me say that I am sorry to hear about your losses.

Uncharacteristic behavior is always a concern. It is hard to tell without much more information about your father but I'll give you my thoughts on some possibilities. Everyone mourns differently. A respected authority on death and dying is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Read her book On Death and Dying, the 1970 classic was updated in the nineties. She proposes five stages of grieving that we all travel through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Your father's actions with the girlfriend and so forth could be Denial. He wants to be young and does not want to think that he too will one day die. They could also be part of Bargaining, if I take up with someone new, I won't be alone. The first year of mourning is the hardest and the first anniversary is the toughest, in general. He may feel desperate to stave off thoughts of being alone and dying - so he spends his money on the new girlfriend and he needs money.

Mood swings could be anger or along with forgetfulness the could be mild dementia but it is impossible to tell without your father being evaluated by a geriatric specialist.

Before you confront him, please examine where you are in your grieving. June is coming soon. It must be a hard time for you. How are you grieving? What do you need? You may wish to see a grief counselor or pastorial counselor. They are different from a psychotherapist in that they do not treat mental illness, but help people with normal but difficult grieving. (Some pastorial counselors also deal with mental illness).

I went through a terrible time last year as my mother progressed from moderate to severe dementia (like a living death) and my father suffered an episode of delirium that left him with mild dementia. He is also grieving the loss of my mother although she is still living. He spent lots of money and has no insight about it. He accused me of spending the money behind his back. I had to set a strong boundary and decide if money issues or having a relationship with my parents was more important. I chose the relationship and so far this is working although there are still hurt feelings. You need to discuss this with your family and decide what is best for each of you. Best of Luck. I wish you well. I hope this helped.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for your losses as well. The death of a loved one can easily cause depression. (I went through a severe depression after my dad died.)

But I come from a family that is always changing wills and threatening to "disown" this person or that one - my grandmother left her entire estate to her university and her church (a plaque and a pew, I called it). Her money, her choice. My dad changed his will shortly before he died (his money, his choice) and I'm forever bound to my stepmother because of it. I count myself lucky in some ways though, I was the executor (moved up a bit from being disowned at 15).

Bottom line is - you can't count on ever getting someone else's money - if you do, it's a good thing. But to EXPECT to get one thing or another is setting yourself up for woe and sadness, and to press your dad about it could well see you left out of an inheritance altogether and the possible destruction of your relationship. I still think of my stepmother as a gold digger (it doesn't matter to me that she was married to him for 27 years .. lol).

If you wanted to contest the will, you should have done so during the probate.

Your dad seems like he's having a little fun. There's no harm in that at all - I wouldn't mind going to the Cayman Islands. He lost your mom, and probably had in mind to do all these things with her - and if he's going a bit overboard, what is the harm? Just be glad he isn't crying in the back room feeling like he's got no reason to go on.

Answer 3

Over the last five years I had begun to have increasingly withdraw into a downward spiral of depression..

But now with the method I can fully focus my energy and thoughts into a decisive line on how to make my life better constantly. And it works like magic! I'm beginning to attract people to me once again and things have just been looking up since then.

Helping you eliminate depression?

Answer 4

i', sorry for the loss of your mother, this can't be easy for you and your sister either. But everyone has a different way of grieving and I believe some grieving counseling could benefit him. 43 years is a long time and he must feel lost without her, not to mention very lonely.I think he is seeing this woman for companionship, something to look forward to, no matter what the cost. This must tell you something about the emptiness he probably feels. As far as the will, I can't comment on that because I don't know enough about it. My advice is to go see him often, invite him over and be there until he finds his place back to reality and can begin to cope again.
Good luck, girls, hope this helped a little.

Answer 5

I think that you may want to talk to first your dad's doctor, and tell him/her what you've put here. If there are other things that have been off, let the doctor know. My mother in law had altzheimer's, the first clue we had that something was very wrong was that she couldn't figure out her checkbook. Then, I would contact an attorney about the IRA account. I'm not sure that they can change the beneficiaries like that. It may have been legal, but make sure. I would be asking dad why he needs so much money, why he took out a mortgage. Good luck.

Answer 6

i'm sorry to take heed to all of this it seems such as you have the two made maximum of efforts to assist. the only undertaking i will think of of is like an in affected person application or some thing the place she will bypass and stay at a retreat for some months perhaps? So she will have help and knowledgeable help around the clock the place she will additionally form of expertise empowered on her very own to get extra advantageous. as much as mothers and fathers love and care i think of each and every from time to time this is extra straightforward for youngsters/ youthful adults to open up and have confidence different adults extra then their kinfolk.

Answer 7

does sound a little unusual. i know, it's common for a man in your dad's position to kind of go through a second childhood. he is, after all, starting a new life. my dad did it too. he bought motorcycles, race cars,a motorhome and spent money like crazy. he was however, in a position to do it. the bit about the beneficiaries is weird but, it's their business. i have never asked my dad about his financial endeavors. as their kid's, it's none of our business. if you're concerned about his emotional health, talk to him. maybe it will put your fears to rest.
EDIT-after reading your additional comments i realize you make a good point. maybe his new friend is a gold digger. we hear of it all the time though we don't think of it ever happening so close to home. maybe keep an eye on things for a while.

Answer 8

i would check out dads girlfriend she might be a gold digger or worse.the ira account should have went to you and your sister make sure your dads not being used by his girlfriend.of course he has been depressed thats how this woman has taken advantage of him.have a long talk with your dad and find out whats really going on here! people are killed for less than this everyday! good luck.

Answer 9

it's not unusual for people to have short mourning periods. that shouldn't really worry you. but everything else that you stated, maybe you should sit down and speak to your father about this. express your concerns, and find out why he made the choices he did.

Answer 10

I'm sorry for your losses! And most of what I have to say comes from my own experience rather than my professional knowledge as a psychologist, because I went through a similar situation with my mom when my dad died. My parents had been married 8 months short of 40 years. About 6 months after my dad died, my mother began to date. Before my dad had been dead a year, she remarried to a man who was the polar opposite of my dad. My dad was well-educated and had worked very hard for the money that he had accumulated during his lifetime. He left it all to my mother, with the understanding that my mother would take care of me and my sisters. That was fine with me and my sisters, as he died when he was 63 years old of heart problems. BUT no sooner than she began seeing her new man did he begin to wear my dad's expensive gold jewelry, including an ID bracelet that still had my dad's name on it. Trips to Europe, all over the US, and around the world followed--and of course, my mom picked up the tab. Her new boyfriend was living in a cheap rental apartment and had a 10-year-old junker car. My mother commented that he brought "$40,000 cash" into the relationship--she had well over a million or two in assets. Even her brothers and sister felt that this guy was simply after her for the money. They ended up selling the house that my parents lived in and buying and selling an assortment of other houses in other locations, finally settling into a condo in a seniors' complex on the beach--all paid for in cash.

Well, 20 years later, they are still together, whether I like him or not--and frankly, I've never warmed up to him. I was 25 when my dad died, and I've really never been "taken care" of by my mom and her new husband, but then I was in grad school at the time and able to take care of myself. My sisters were both married and were well-off enough to not need anything anyway. No one else has ever warmed up to this new husband either, but then, they are still together. My mom is about as happy as she is ever going to be, and he takes care of her well. In fact, he dotes on her. His care and attention make sure that neither me nor my sisters have to live with her or next to her to make sure that she's alright. She got through mourning for my father, probably with his help, and has moved on in her life. These are things that she may not have been able to do so successfully without her present husband.

Bottom line? We all go through grief differently. Your parents undoubtedly loved each other and had a strong relationship for it to have lasted over 40 years. But perhaps your father's ways of dealing with his feelings are a bit--"unconventional", but he seems to have moved on pretty well, whether it's to a gold-digger or not. And she may well be...but, his behaviors and feelings are not uncommon for someone who has experienced the death of a long-term spouse. He may need to go through a "second adolescent" phase that lets him re- experience the joys--and pains--of new relationships, new adventures. As for the financial irregularities--he's an adult. Basically, it's not any of your business, or that of your siblings, whether he refinances his house, changes beneficiaries, or whatever because he is still legally a competent adult.

What I found out through my experience was that I had not completed mourning my father's death but my mom had moved on--as dysfunctional as it seemed to be to me. I was pretty angry that she was not mourning my father and I still was. Perhaps not a great situation, but the one I had to deal with. Please don't judge your father too harshly. He has undoubtedly been through a lot emotionally with your mom's death and perhaps even finished a bit of his own mourning before she died. And, we never know what our parents' relationship is really like either. That is not to say it was not a good relationship but rather that there are always flaws that we, as their children, do not and should not see.

One of the big mistakes with Kubler-Ross's work is that people tend to think that you go through "stages" of grief and loss, that once you are in "denial" you never feel "anger" or "bargaining". Some people may not go through all the stages; some go through one, only to find that they are experiencing three at the same time, and go back to the initial anger, People don't do things such as process their feelings in neat, sequential stages. Her work is really excellent even though it is sometimes misunderstood.

Good luck--you will get through this and many other challenges. Be kind to yourself and don't be too harsh on your dad.