How do I convince my husband that it's not necessary to spank our son? (he's eight ½ months)?

Question

When our son does something wrong like pulling hair or whatever, my husband will smack his leg or hand. I'm trying to convince him that it's not necessary to punish him like that yet, and that he doesn't understand. All he knows is that one of his favorite people is hurting him, and I'm afraid he's just making him scared of him. He doesn't hit him hard or anything, but I don't think that any physical contact of that kind is necessary at this age.. (or really any age) He says that child psychologists are quacks and that he is his father and he should be able to discipline him how he wants.. BUT I'M HIS MOTHER- that's my response. He seems to not appreciate the fact that I have an opinion on the matter, too and if I don't want him to smack him, he SHOULDN'T! I'm so stressed out about this... what do I say to him? (and please, no "Call the CPS".. he's not really HURTING him, he's just startling him.. ) Okay, opinions please..

Answer 1

tell your husband that you dont want him doing that. The next time you see him spanking your kid hit your husband in the face.

Answer 2

I think 3 1/2 months is too young to be spanked. They don't have enough control of their behaviors or understanding of WHY you're spanking them (or any other kind of discipline, for that matter.) I'm not against a quick spank of the bottom of toddlers and preschoolers, but babies are much too young. However, I do remember when my middle one was about 1 1/2 years old, she had a bad habit of pulling people's hair HARD. Well, finally my husband had enough of it. maybe she was 2 by this time, but she could have been 18 months. I was aghast at what he did, but it worked! He pulled HER hair HARD, and she never did it again. Same kid used to throw cans around at grocery stores. I couldn't stop her, until finally I spanked her on her tush. She never did it again.. So there is a place for physical discipline; it's quick, it gets the message across, and (I think) it's kinder than "time outs". The most important thing is you and your husband LOVE your child, spend time with them. The love that you give them is what cements the bond and grows the relationship. The discipline is a secondary issue. But I'm glad your husband isn't hurting the child, just startling him. Maybe you can distract (startle) the baby out of his mishavior with other techniques (noises, toys, etc.); then your husband won't feel like he has to resort to spanking. Men are more impatient and short-tempered than women. So don't be too mad at him. Perhaps you can just try to keep baby out of Daddy's way when baby is cranky. In my experience, Dads are way better with older kids, but don't have as much of a knack with infants.

Answer 3

Sorry, but if you ask our opinion on what your husband is doing to your son, you're going to get 'CPS' answers! An 8 month old has no idea what he's being spanked for! A light tap on the hand and a firm NO when he's touching something 'untouchable' is more than enough for him to eventually get the picture. Sounds like your husband has no respect for you or your child. If not resolved now, your husband will get more heavy handed and your son could end in up the ER. How will you feel about downplaying it then?
PS smacking doesn't JUST startle, it hurts.....

Answer 4

I know exactly what you mean. I'm a nurse, a mom of 4, and a huge advocate of preventing child abuse. That's not to say I think your husband is being abusive, I don't. Children need discipline and as they get older, they actually appreciate it. Your husband is probably dispensing discipline in the way he was taught. There would be no problem with his particular style of discipline if your son was, lets say 10yrs old and he truly did something wrong, but your son is 8 1/2 months old. He has no concept of right or wrong, no understanding of his actions or the effects of his actions on others. Maybe you can find a way to explain to your husband that at this point, all he is actually teaching is a strong fear of Daddy. Pain at your child age only encourages fear in the child of the person causing the pain. There are forms of discipline designed for a child his age and none of them include "teaching a lesson" The next time you argue about your child's discipline try asking your husband very calmly, cool, and collected, what his expected goal of that single disciplinary action is. I would almost guarantee he says something to the effect of "He needs to learn........." Then you can explain that at your child's age, his ability to learn from discipline has not yet developed. Your son only recently gained the ability to move his fingers at will, but learning that skill does not mean your child still has total control of that skill. Ask him "How do you discipline someone if they can't possibly understand what you mean?" Good luck and God Bless. Feel free to contact me if you have questions.

Answer 5

of direction I trust all the different posters that 8.5 months is merely too youthful for him to understand. and you husband needs some parenting guidance from an authoritative source. And he needs to take heed to you! have faith me - they get greater complicated while they become previous. I did opt to proportion a tale i think of will make you smile (which i'm guessing you elect). My husband and that i agreed we does not spank or swat, with the conceivable exception of if the infant have been to do something relatively risky - e.g. attempting to stick something in a mild socket. nicely, while my older son became approximately 2 I observed him attempting to do exactly that (we had guards so he particularly could no longer yet he became attempting). So I swiped at his hand to bat it away. I ignored, yet I felt so to blame! And he laughed and laughed at stupid Mommy. So we've a very guilted out parent and a giggly infant. Absurd! We altered our settlement - no hitting. an corporation "No" works perfect while little or no. Then time outs. My boys are 15 and 17 now and that i'm very happy we desperate as we did.

Answer 6

At eight and one half months old, your son is much to young to be "spanked". He should be firmly told "no!" and diverted. How is the little one to know that HE can't "hit" or cause harm, but Daddy can?

This issue will only get bigger and become a point of contention between you if you don't resolve it now. Being "his Dad" doesn't automatically make him an expert on discipline. (obviously)

You may want to consider parenting classes or family counselling. I'd hate to see something like this harm your marriage.

I think there is one exception. When my kids were that small, I DID pop my baby on the diaper when she was trying to chew electrical cords. Yes, to startle her! Because what she was doing was dangerous and I'd told her no, and moved her away and tried to divert her several times. After I did that, she stopped getting the cords. It kept her out of danger.

I hope you can resolve this soon. He needs to be convinced that your son is too young to understand, and it will only cause him to be afraid.

Answer 7

Talk to him privately and tell him "I want us to raise our child in agreement always and make decisions together, agreed?" If he says "yes" then tell him you don't agree with the smack. If he begins to defend himself tell him "we just said RAISE IN AGREEMENT. If you decided something and he really wasn't comfortable with it- wouldn't you change it a bit? Allow him to come up with an alternate plan or tell him "this is what I was thinking...." see what he says. He's right about Dr.s not knowing everything but your baby should be taught the correct way not punished for not knowing.
For ex.: If he pulls hair- say I'm setting you down because you hurt Mommy and that's not nice. Then set him down and say "be nice to friends" and gently "pet" his hair. Then pick him up and forget it. If you do it consistantly he will understand. When he says "hurt!" and pulls hair then he did it on purpose. See the difference?

Also- (and I have a VERY hard time with this) don't correct your husband in front of your child no matter what UNLESS your child is in danger. He should also never undermine what you do. It makes the other parent seem to be attacked and creates a seperation from that parent to the child.
My son is 7 now and I'm all about him....but when my hubby says something I don't agree with- I have to consiously stop myself and handle it appropriately.

Answer 8

Wow!! That is soo young to be 'spanking' at 8 1/2 months your baby doesn't understand why he is being hit!!! This age best responds by repetition, so saying no firmly, and taking him away from what ever the situation is. For instance, if he is pulling hair, then say no and take his hand away.

Good Luck

Your husband was probably spanked when he was young, so he doesn't know any different. Please BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

Answer 9

Don't let your mother's heart trick you. Infants most certainly understand right and wrong (in a very limited sense.) Perhaps suggest that your husband first try by using a firm voice and the word NO! Remove the baby from the situation which is causing him to "do wrong" and take the attention off the action. If your son continues to, say pull hair, he will NOT die from a sharp, quick finger flick to the offending hand. I recall a college roommate who "spanked" their very small (less than 3 mo) infant with a sharp, quick swat to the diapered area of the bottom because the baby was throwing her temper. The baby stopped instantly the undesired behavior and to the day she married was "Daddy's little girl" with no fear. (They did believe that spanking was a godly solution to a 'heathen' behavior.) Hope this helps. All things in moderation, including spanking, will teach your child the consequences v actions concept without hurting his psyche (as some might have you believe.)

Answer 10

8 and 1/2 months is just a baby. I couldn't see anyone spanking their child that young. However, your husband is right. He has just as much of a right to discipline his child anyway he pleases as you do. However, I would try and convince him that 8 months old is a little too young. And to wait until your son at least understands what he is doing and what is right or wrong.

Answer 11

wow. as i mother i know every time he does that you feel it as well. i am sure that is very difficult. it also sounds like your parenting separately. "i'm his father i can do............." but "i'm his mother" your both parents and it looks like you need a parenting plan.
talk to your hubby, keeping in mind that you love him and your family and you want to keep it whole and full of love. have this conversation void of the problem. like when your alone at night and the baby is sleeping. ask how he sees your son growing up, add your feelings, dialogue about how you see your lives together. bring up the slapping stuff, talk about why he thinks that a good way to parent, ask what's gonna happen when your boy is 2 and won't stop screaming just because he can.. what kind of punishments happen then.
finding this stuff now will help you both find a common ground in which to raise you family in. it will also help resolve this and provide you both with a deeper understanding of yourselves and each other.