I have a 13 year old?

Question

That when i tell him no about something he starts to break very costly things such as the tv so to punish him i took his tv and the computer away for a week. now it is getting to the point he is breaking mirrors and fax machines i just dont have that kind of money. i know that some of the answer are going to be to spank him it doesnt help. taking away things are making me lose things i am sitting at home now with no telephone becauase he broke mine and cannot receive calls until i can go to the store tomorrow and get another one. he is as big as me and my husband works at nite. and i have lupus what should i do? if you dont know what lupus is it means i cannot fight him. keep taking away things to have him tear them up ?

Answer 1

boot camp. or military school. west point is a fine school

Answer 2

I am a psych major at a University and my initial reaction is your son is throwing tantrums for attention. If this agitations has a starting point then rest assured, with proper response there can be a stopping point. If however you are just noticing his behavior and it has been a trait he has carried for a long time, then you have a different issues and will need to help him to deal with emotions that he hasn't dealt with by a professional.

The next things that came to my mind were your physical situation and he feeling frustrated by limitations or other issues concerning your health and him feeling like his needs are not being met, coupled with not having access to his dad. Potentially, he could be concerned about your mortality.
Hormones are the other thing that came to mind, and that developing hormones can be a difficult time for any child while also being required to figure some tough issues out when you are not a kid and you are not an adult.

Seeking help is going to be an important part of you and your family getting this under control. Parenting is a family affair, we as parents have only so many skills, beyond that we have to look to others for assistance. I think that your family is in crisis and you could all benefit from learning how to communicate better, deal with what it means for the family to have Lupus (when you have Lupus so does all who are impacted), and understand why your son is not responding to you or your husband. If necessary take the opportunity to examine the relationship between yourself and your husband and stregnthen that bond so you can stand united to take back your household.

As for the immediate, you will need to make your son's life uncomfortable, and I know that he being uncomfortable makes you uncomfortable, but you have to stick to your guns no matter what. He will fly off because it has worked in the past, don't let up and don't get upset. (that used to scare me, when I thought my mom was going to lose it and she calmly went to her room and closed the door, and dealt with me in a way I didn't expect. Like after I had forgotten the incident I would get excited about an upcoming event and she would get excited too but never give me an affirmative answer and she would let me plan and just before it was time to go she would remind me of my behavior and that I was going to be sitting this one out) However find ways that he can contribute back to the household and that will also relieve some the pressure for you. IF he doesn't want to participate, take everything out of this room and make him earn it back with good behavior. If he still is hard core, sell his stuff on ebay and use the proceeds to replace your lost things and get to counseling as soon as possible.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Wow, that's gotta be tough. He may be going through some changes right now ,but that does not mean he has the right to act like a child and break things you enjoy.I'd take some steps for this situation. What I would do first is first spank him, ground him, or make him go in his room for a couple hours to calm down. Then I'd talk to him, and just ask him if anything is going on and explain to him what he's doing wqrong. I'd sternly tell him to stop, and tell him this behavior has to change or something bad will happen. If he yet again does it go with him and talk to a couselor. He may need help, but if you don't feel that's necessary put him in a sports like boxing or something where you can break things. Get him to do something positive with all this strength he has. If you need to (w/your husband) leave him notes to read when he comes home explaining how they day went. I hope this helped. :)

Answer 4

1] family counseling
2] military school
3] legal action
If you can't control him, something has got to change. Can your husband switch to days so he would be around more?
These problems don't resolve themselves, and if he doesn't learn some control, he will get himself into trouble with the law.
Meantime -
1] take ALL valuables, electronics, heirlooms,etc. to someone else's house. [ trusted friend or family member ]
2] do a Dr. Phil - clean out his room - leave him a mattress, a pillow, seven shirts, seven pants, seven pairs of socks, seven sets of underwear, and carboard boxes to put them in.
Feed him, clothe him, let him sleep in your house, provide school supplies,and provide medical care - NOTHING ELSE!
3] do not give him a ride anywhere, do not give him permission to go anywhere, and tell his friends parents what is going on, so they won't take him.
4] do not give him any money
5] do not buy anything for him - even for his birthday, if that is soon
6] make him show you assignment book and completed projects - quiz him if you think he hasn't studied enough
7] make him clean up his dishes, food, do his laundry, and clean his room
8] tell your neighbor what is going on and ask if you can use her phone for emergencies
9] remind him you have to consent for him to get a driver's permit until he is eighteen - and tell him he also needs a minimum GPA [ our house it was 3.0 - I told them there was too many stupid people driving already ]
10] do not replace anything until he earns it - if he breaks your tv, he lost his - permanently! If he breaks your mirror, he lost his; if he destroys your fax, he has to work it off. If he does break something, calculate the cost, and make him work it off, at about $5.00 an hour - mowing lawn, cleaning gutters, scrubbing toilets. Buy a portable phone and hide it.
11] get your husband on board with this, so you have support.
Tell him stress is not good for your condition and you need him to back you up.
12] when your boy asks for something, say ' I love you, but no.'
YOU are the parents - you have to fix this now.
P.S. I have had to be the 'meanest mom in the world', too - my son had social anxiety and wanted to be home schooled, and I had to say no because it would have made him worse.

Answer 5

I think counseling might be needed and maybe some behaviour intervention. Boy I would think he would be a little easier on you considering you have lupus. I know what it is and it is not an easy thing to have to live with at all. He needs to get scared of Dad because Dad is going to come home. Dad needs to have a little sit down with him and make it clear that this is not exceptable. He is really out of control and this is not normal 13 year old behaviour. 13 year olds are tough to deal with, mouthy, lazy etc but he is ridiculously violent. Honestly if it were me I would call the police the next time he does it and let them take him. I have had friends do this to their kids and it scared the pants off them. When you get a new phone call your local pd and tell them what is going on and ask them if there is some way you can have him arrested with out actually pressing charges just to scare him. I bet they would do it or at least be willing to talk with him. That is all I can think of. Try to not stress yourself out to badly. You need to stay healthy.

Answer 6

Hi Jerry,
I'm not liking the answers you have got so far...these people obviously don't see the seriousness of your situation. I myself have been slightly frustreted w/ my youngster. He is signifigantly different in age but the defiance is close. I am no professional my any means. I have however been reading a book that is helpful to me. Perhaps it might have some good suggestions for you. It is called: The Everything Parents Guide to the Strong-Willed Child.(An Authorative Guide to Raising a Respectful, Cooperative, & Positive Child) There are 20 Chapters dealing with ALL ages. In the back of the book are some websites you might find helpful:
www.carlpickhardt.com--------Author of this book
www.aap.org
www.drugstrategies.com
www.onlychild.com
www.FamilyEducation.com
www.npin.org
www.thesuccessfulparent.com-----this one says dealing w/adolescents

then this last one is where you can talk w/other parents:
www.parents-talk.com

Good Luck Sweetie! Hang in there...but please do whatever you can to find a support system...I am not saying that it would...but i would hate for either one of you to get hurt out of frustration and or anger! Bye Jess:)

Answer 7

You have to give children answers.... Teach him that it is not okay to break things because they cost, not only that, but breaking things is not the right way to solve problems. Make him do volunteer work with one of your friends, at a local business, soup kitchen, etc. eveytime something happens. As he gets of working age, make him work.... cut grass, etc. He must also find other ways to express himself, sit him down and ask him why he broke/threw something, did it make him feel any better, was that the only way to solve the problem, what can you both do next time. You have to create a system that works for you and be consistent. He may be tired of being home with a sick mother while his father is away (I have a sick mother and a younger sister with sickle cell so no offense), or he may have other things that bother him, so once you figure out your system, make sure that it includes rewards and consequences for you both following each action. Good luck!

Answer 8

First of all where was the DISCIPLINE before this? Don't tell me he you disciplined him because he had a television and a computer I'm willing to bet he has a game system or two...maybe three, plus a phone. That isn't discipline that's INDULDGENCE. So you induldge your son then you expect him to care about the value of costly things? That's funny. Disciplining him means making him EAR the USE of the television for an hour a day, USE of the computer for an hour a day, USE of game system for an hour a day. Nothing has any value to him because he hasn't earned any of it. All I can suggest at this point is family counseling, which may or may not work.

Answer 9

Participating in Martial arts, wrestling or other ways to vent aggression might help him calm down at home. I remember being thirteen and at that age you just feel immortal, taking no for an answer when you can influence the situation using your own "power" does not seem like a good option. Guys especially have issues with authority (respecting a female authority figure is hardest). He needs to learn that you are in control and that you
need to be respected.

Answer 10

I had a son that did the very same things as you have mentioned. But he was 7 at the time. Your right you cannot afford to replace everything he breaks, sounds to me like he needs to see a professional. On top of that make him get a job and pay for all the things he has damaged. You may have to call the cops on him for the safety of yourself and your other children if you have any. Good luck and God- Bless

Answer 11

I am personally 13 and to tell you the truth you should take away all electronics and make him come home everyday straight from school without talking to friends. Taking away electronics makes me learn to appreciate the things i have so i'm sure it will make him do the same. But don't give him his stuff back all at once. give him one thing at a time gradually. I really hope this helps! good luck!