How do you tell your daughter, you are not her biological mother?

Question

My daughter is 11 years old and we've decided it's time to tell her, that I'm not her biological mother, what is the best way to tell her? My husband and I have had custody of her, since she was 1, so I'm the only mom she's known. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

Thanks for the advice, she's not adopted though, my husband is her bio dad, I'm just not her bio mom. I wish I didn't have to tell her, but I know she needs to know, and she'll eventually find out anyway because of her name.

Answer 1

Why do you feel you NEED to tell her? How cruel is that?

Answer 2

There is never an easy way to say it, or a good age to bring it up. To start with, be honest with her. Tell her that you love her, and talk about all of the good things that you have done, and reinforce how much you care about her.

A lot of kids will be upset at first about the idea of being an adopted child, but when they see what a loving family relationship they have, they can readjust again.

It's not cruel (as someone above said) to tell someone that they are adopted, it's the truth. Be understanding of her feelings, she is going to be confused, she will probably go through a bit of separation anxiety and wonder why she was "given up", but eventually, she will realize that her family hasn't changed, and she is still your daughter.

Answer 3

My mother waited until I was 15 to tell me that my dad, who is the only one I have ever known was not my natural father. I had doubts anyway since my sisters looked completely different than me, even thought that is not always a tell tale sign. I know I was not happy until I finally met my natural father (when I was 27), but I suddenly realized why he was not my father. He was a jerk.
I personally would want to know, but some people shock differently than others. I appreciate your confidence in asking all of us here, but I think maybe you should take the time to ask a professional, and find out what would be the best approach. Me not knowing your childs' personality or demeanor could lead me in the wrong direction. In the end, I found out what I wanted to know, and then why. I am content now, and have moved on.
Goodluck in whatever direction you decide to approach.

Answer 4

Start telling stories in front of her about your friends being parents of adopted children and see what her response is and talk to her about it SEE what she say's?
ONE story at a time...I would suggest first having conversations infront of her with your husband about it so she can hear it...After a while maybe try asking her how she would feel if it was her?? Make sure you say how great adopted parent's are and have her answer everything as if it we're not her rather someone else.So when she is approached with THE TRUTH she will be prepared to handle it and take her own advice...I mean it's pretty logical

Answer 5

Plan a special day for her, make her favorite foods, take her to the park, something like that. Then sit her down and tell her that you love her very much and that you will always be her mommy and daddy but she did come from your tummy. Another woman gave birth to her. If you have any letters of pictures of her biological mother this would be the time to show her these. Or any information you can give her about where she came from.

Answer 6

Don't wait another day. This is going to change your relationship with her no matter what, but it could be for the better depending on how you handle it. Now you need to focus on what kind of relationship you want with her from here on out. You will always be her mother, and that means doing what's best for her no matter how hard it is on you. Tell her why you waited, and that it's time she knew her history. Now, you need to reassure her that you're not going to drop any more bombs on her. She's going to feel very unsure/unsafe about her situation for awhile, so give her time to get past that. Most importantly, be open and honest with her from now on. She's 11 so she'll move past this soon, if you give her the right support.

Answer 7

well I've always known i was adopted. she has the right to know.First sit her down and tell her that you think she is mature enough to hear what you have to say. Tell her to whole situation and that you love her. Second ask if she has any questions...she may want to know about her birth-mom, so you should do a little research on her. Just know as she gets older she may want a relationship with her but no matter what you are her true mom

Answer 8

Openly and honestly, How else would you do it? If you really feel the need to tell her,Then do so... I would however suggest that you wait until she is a bit older, Unless you think she is mature enough to handle this kind of news. If you tell her she is adopted, She is also going to want to know why her parents left her. There is NO easy way for you to do this!
I wish you the best of luck ..

Answer 9

Personally i would want to know... i think this is the best time before she gets into her teens and it's more difficult. I would definitely talk to a professional before you talk to her, to make sure you are doing the right thing. when you talk to her you need to reassure her that she is the most important person in the world to you. i would also tell her that you wanted to tell her because you want no lies between the both of you, and that because you did not give birth to her that does not change anything you are still her mother and will always be! Good luck!

Answer 10

You should have told her from the beginning. This is not an easy thing to heal from - learning that your parent/s (one or both) is not who s/he represented herself to be. *sigh* It sounds like something 'happened' to precipitate this. People don't just wake up one day and say to themselves, "I think I'll tell my child she has another mother 'out there' today." If she's a normal, curious, relatively aware 11-year-old, she probably already knows. I did...

The good news: If you haven't been a hideous parent she'll recover and still love you. If you have been hideous, she'll probably still love you anyway - kids are funny about their mothers that way...

Answer 11

My be you should ask this Question in the Home > Pregnancy & Parenting > Adoption category I was reading in that category yesterday and it seem to have a lot of people that have been adopted and people that has adopted in that area of yahoo Answers. Maybe they can shed some light on how they handled this type of situation.

I hope this helps.