Ok, here's the deal: I have been with this girl for over a year now. We got engaged back in February, and since then life has been a living hell. We have been fighting about this wedding stuff non-stop since then, and as she wants a small wedding at the beach, and I want one in a church.
Come to find out last night, she doesn't want to get married at all, because all she is worried about is the finances (I make plenty of $$ to pay for everything). She has a big pride issue with her folks not being able to pay for it.
Should I continue to try to work this out? Or just go ahead and move on? This has become an issue that is really tearing me up emotionally b/c I cannot seem to discuss this with her without her getting all defensive and crying, etc. Any & all help is appreciated. Thanks.
2007-05-22 00:47:52 · 26 answers · asked by B B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Well, I wouldn't try to work it out while she's so emotional. Just put the wedding planning on the back burner, and work on the marriage planning instead. I mean, if you guys can't figure out how to work out your problems now, it's not going to magically resolve itself after the ceremony. It's about compromise, give-and-take, and generally listening to the other's wants and desires. She wants to marry you, but she doesn't want to burden you with the saddle of footing the whole bill. Maybe the two of you can save money together toward the wedding? So the both of you are paying for it? Pride is a powerful emotion, and I'm sure you can put yourself in her shoes, and understand where's she coming from. Just reassuring her that you don't mind paying for it all won't do it. She needs to know that she can help, that you two are starting your life together on even footing.
I wish you the best.
2007-05-22 01:00:06 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wedding planning can be very stressful for people. Especially considering that she's embarrassed that her family can't pay for it. If your issues are confined to this one issue of planning a party, I don't see any reason to throw away a relationship that is obviously important enough to you to propose.
I think both of you need to step back and rethink your priorities. Speak calmly. She's probably getting defensive because she sees your behavior as on the offensive. She may feel that since you're paying for everything, that she is not as entitled to expressing her desires for the wedding. Have you done anything that would lead her to believe she shouldn't have as much say as you? Cause that would be a horrible way to start out a marriage! That could be why she's so worried about the finances. I'm not saying you've done this, but if you have even given her cause to think you are using your advantageous finances to control the situation, then she's probably looking for a way to come out on equal footing.
You're in this together, and you need to solve it together. Marriage needs compromise. Why not have a religious wedding on the beach? She's probably had ideas about her wedding since she was a little girl (even if she says she hasn't! I said this and now he doesn't understand why I'm so set on a beach wedding. :-( ). How long have you been dreaming of a church wedding? I think you need to sit down, let her know that since what was yours alone is now yours as a couple, her wants are as important as yours, and you both need to decide what kind of wedding you have together. Like I said, compromise.
It may also be worth it to have some premarital counseling. There is probably some available at your church, or you can see a professional experienced in the field. Many couples do this as a way of preparing for marriage, to iron out any wrinkles they may not have thought of, yet.
2007-05-22 01:43:47 · answer #2 · answered by Flamekat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about you back off a little.
Get a minister to marry you at the beach, that way god gets some sunshine too.
Talk to everyone including her parents, and see what each can afford, try and arrange a little thing for each person to pay for, that way it's not all the great groom wanting his own way because he's the one paying for it.
A bride's wedding day is a magical memory for the rest of her life...hers won;t be worth anything the way things are going.
Include them all in. Be a little more understanding. I think you are running this very efficiently, but efficiency rarely works on wedding days, it's all about the fantasy magic princess for a day. Can't you just let her have that one thing?
If you can't see her side of things too, I would say walk away and let her find a more understanding man,.
You seem like a good guy...give it a try.....
2007-05-22 00:56:14 · answer #3 · answered by oisian88 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
To be blunt, if you're thinking of just walking away from this relationship because of this then maybe you're not ready to make the commitment to her.
If you truly love this girl, you've gotta ask yourself "whats the most important thing" is it:
A: Just want to marry her and show my love and commitment to her, I'm in it for the long haul and just want to make her happy.
B: The wedding is more important, this one day has to be the way I want it, nothing else matters.
If it's B, then simply don't get married. If it's A, then go to the beach and marry her! Give and take a little, marry on the beach (give), she's happy and beaming making you the most wonderful guy in the world (so lotsa sex for you matey ;-) ), and you get to know that you've given her something wonderful.
For me, marriage isn't about the place, those few hours on that one day, it's about the rest of your life. So really does it matter if you spend that time in a church or on a beach??
Good luck, marriage isn't always easy, your life goes from 1 persons wishes to 2 and you both have to learn to give and take a little. But if you can get a handle on that, then it can be wonderful.
James
2007-05-22 00:59:26 · answer #4 · answered by James H 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is a compromise. A wedding is that of both you and your fiance and both's opinions should be considered. Gone is the day when it was the "Brides Day". Nowadays many couples are paying for their own weddings with families helping out if they can. I think you both need to take some more time because this is supossed to be a happy time, not a tearful time. If you love her then try to work it out, but in order to keep from tearing apart, some concessions are gonna have to be made. Congrats.
2007-05-22 04:33:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wedding, girls have dreamed about since they were little. I am stubborn and that is all it is with her. It is hard knowing waht you truely want and then knowing what you can truely afford. sit her down and say I am not comming at you to attack you but I really want to marry you and If you want we can get a loan (my husband did that). ask her what type of wedding SHE wants weddings are what little girls grow up to plan. and for that special day not to be your way it is hard. If she wants it at a beach let her have it at the beach.the church will 1/2 way be there with the preacher. She is acting like this because nothing is going like she imagined. and i know that sounds spoiled but this is suppose to be HER day. men have there days with football, hockey, baseball, and that comes more than a day. Let her tell you what she wants. let her know you are willing to do anything to make her wedding happen. You should have seen me, I am not spoiled TRUST me i come from a POOR family who had enough money for a loaf of bread. NEVER did I get what i wanted. But I was crying, mean , mood swings, because i wanted my day to be a perfect as the day i planned it. unfortunetly the day was not as I planned my husbands sister kind of went on a lets change everything spree. without me knowing. But with stubborn people it is hard I say no no no when I really mean yes yes yes.
2007-05-22 06:54:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yep, I think it's time to take a step back. There's no need to hurry the wedding. If you're in love with her and still want to marry her, put the wedding on the back burner until she & her family can save up some money. A woman's pride is fundamental to who she is.
Backing off will show respect to her and her family and will help to build a strong & healthy bond between you.
2007-05-22 04:38:36 · answer #7 · answered by Happy Wife 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have both weddings one on a beach and than one back home in church ( That's what my husband and I did) we had a great time... First we had a beach wedding in Jamaica (www.destinationweddings.com) than we came home and had church ceremony and a small reception for the Friends and family that couldn't make our beach wedding... If you guys love each other you can work this out....Good Luck!
2007-05-22 01:32:00 · answer #8 · answered by KelLzZz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're clearly both not ready to get married yet. You should probably put the wedding back until a time when you are both ready. Compromise is key to making any relationship work too but you both have to do it. If you dont have a lot in common then you've probably picked the wrong person.
2007-05-22 00:52:09 · answer #9 · answered by private 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Weddings and marriage is all about compromise, maybe you can have a church wedding and the reception on the beach. If you love her try and work it out, and just remember you both can't have your way that is where compromising comes into play.
2007-05-22 02:49:29 · answer #10 · answered by mhireangel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋