She gives, he gets. What to do?

Question

What do you do in a relationship where it feels like you do all the giving and work?

I'm naturally a giver and nuturer and I don't need it to be equal at all, I just need to feel a little cared for. My bf gives me expensive things, but I want HIM, not what he can buy me.

We've talked about it - we communicate great. I praise him when I can but, how can I ask him for what I need without making him feel bad?

Answer 1

I'm sure that you know your boyfriend so, what makes you think that he doesn't know this already? Sometimes love and wanting the" our most favored outcome" to a matter, makes us not "rock the boat". Some men, are resolved to only go so far and no further, so they shower with gifts, and the spontaneity to conveniently, smooth right over what they have (unbeknown to you) resolved to not discuss, and/or address with action. I've been there done that and (received all of those things) basically, he remained "blocked" until the very end. Key here is the fact that I am offering to you,... that you decide if you can live w/o this expression of love, for yourself and be honest with you! Pull back and give him emotionally what he gives to you and see how he reacts? Personally, I think it's a form of control and abuse, strong words but the climate changes as time goes on, because if he won't work on the small things in the biginning, he will not likely, present the tools to deal with the big things later. He is showing you his tool is money, gifts, and possibly hiding or evading issues, but w/o him, there is not a real relationship, even if you love him!

Answer 2

You can ask him but I suspect he doesn't know how to give that. Take a look at the relationship he has or had with his parents and take a look at how they communicate for clues as to why he behaves as he does. My family were huggers my wife's wasn't and it sets a pattern. You may have to wait a long time because you will have to teach him what you need. It is not that he doesn't love you but it is a warning sign that he may not actually get there and you may have to be prepared to live without this. It certainly happened to one of my relatives and in the end her husband and she parted. I think he had a certain degree of Aspergers because he was unable to empathise with other people. I do not say sympathise, he simply could not get his head into anyone else's space to see how things looked from their point of view. The ball's in your court, good luck.

Answer 3

there is such a thing as constructive critcism that has been all but forgotten in the age of american idol. you are going to have to take his emotional development in very small steps. praise him for any opening up he does. if he holds you the right way tell him. you can even non-verbally grab him and drag him -- men are much less verbal than women usually. just remember the old addage accentuate the positive eliminate the negative.

something i think you might have missed is you consider relationships a growing experience that requires nurturing and that is probably a concept foreign to him. i learned nurturing not through human relationships but through growing plants and having pets and then progressed to humans. maybe he needs something non human to take care of for a while to learn throwing expensive presents around doesn't meet the requirements of what something needs to survive.

Answer 4

Gives you expensive things......interesting. I would say when you are having these "great" discussions he is not really planning to make any change, it is just placating you.
Why would asking him for what you need make him feel bad? The only way would be that you get into some re-hash of past events.
I think you need to the think about this.....expecations and actions. Do you have any fun, in-common type activities?
Try to find some. Good luck.

Answer 5

Many times guys give monitary gifts because they dont know how to show their feelings and need some item to convey worth and value. They might be covering up some insecurity by doing this as well so be careful.

Perhaps you could pull back a bit. If he cares, he will want the attention again and try to do something to regain it. then you could use this example to illustrate your point on being fufilled emotionally -- drawing on the feeling he himself has just felt.

Answer 6

All you can do is say it i think, if u communicate well then that should be no problem. Be prepared to accept good reasons like work is really getting him down this month etc but if it goes on too long..

I had the same problem. i ended up cracking the shits and leaving, turns out i was right. She got over me alot quicker than i her. I figure now that i don't have to put up with that, i deserve someone that wants to give to me as much as i to them.

Answer 7

well heres whats probably going on with him. when he gives you stuff its not because he wants to show you that he can buy you nice stuff but it makes him feel like a man because he knows that he can take care of you and all you need to do is sit back an take it because he's not going to give up on that like i said it makes him feel like a man and when that happens it makes him feel good. so it should make you feel good to because even though you don't need it you appretiate it because if things get a little more seriuse than just boyfriend and girlfriend than you know that he will be able to take care of you in a diffrent way

Answer 8

Get the book His Needs, Her Needs and both of you read it and discuss the things listed in there.

Expensive gifts is not showing love. He doesn't understand that women need to be romanced and nurtured... often... so that book may help open his mind to the important things in life, HIM.

And if you communicate great, why hasn't he heard you? lol Just wondering :)

Answer 9

You can get a point across without moaning about it, if you can communicate well with your b/f then say to him you adore him and love spending time with him, tell him that you love being affectionate with him. I found the more affectionate I became the more my b/f responded, the more you give the more you get.

Answer 10

Don't ask, just tell him during casual conversation.