Family problems at family gatherings?

Question

I am 21 years old. My parents divorced when I was about six. They have never gotten along. I just started speaking to my dad again after almost 8 years of not seeing him - not by my choice, but because he made himself unavailable. He really wants to make up for lost time, but he keeps talking crap about my mom. My mom and I fought when I was a teenager, as most do, but now we are really close and I tell my mom everything. The thing is, my fiance's family is finally going to be in one place at one time (rare!) next month and I want to invite my dad so he can meet his parents. My mom doesn't say anything bad about my dad AT ALL, but I'm concerned my dad might be a jerk and antisocial. The MAIN thing I'm concerned about - if I don't invite my dad to this event, of course he will be invited to our wedding (not for another year or so though, we're having a long engagement) ... I'm sure this is a semi-common problem for kids with divorced parents. How did you deal with it?

Answer 1

You need to have a talk with your dad. explain to him that your mother has always been there for you and even though they didn't work out, you would appreciate it if he didn't bash her in front of you. It's time that your dad got over the break up. It was a long time ago and holding onto anger for that long isn't good for your health. As for the family gathering don't invite your dad. You don't even have to tell him about it. There is no sense making your fiance's family uncomfortable. have a nice evening with your mother and your soon to be in-laws. If anyone asks just tell them that your dad couldn't make it.

Answer 2

Girl, remember to trust your instincts and don't do anything that would make you or your fiance feel uncomfortable. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you didn't invite your father to this gathering, especially if there is even the slightest chance that he will be a problem. Personally, I wouldn't even tell him about the event, and at a different time I would get together with him for a private lunch so that he can meet your fiance. Good luck in your marriage.

Answer 3

I 've never experienced what you are going through so I'm just going to say what I would do If I was in your place.


WHY WOULD YOU INVITE SCUMMY PPL TO YOUR WEDDING!

For whatever reason you dad abandonded your famliy, I hope it was for the sake of protecting you and your family...for example mabye he had a drug problem. Either way you see it fit to be apart of your life and i think thats great that you can rebuild a relationship with him. It would be good for your 38 kids (if you want any) to have a grandfather involved with them.

Your mother was always there and what a smart woman to have never said anything bad or hurtfull about your father that it could potentialy damage you emotionaly. My dear, Your father, however is not being respectful of you or your mother when he starts mouthing off about anyone that is in your life...family or friends...that is really scummy behavior. I would tell him that if he wanted to continue a relationship with me he would have to zip it up or else. He dosen't deserve the right to say those things. He can keep his feelings but he must keep his mouth. I can see some future drama going on. Would you want a scummy family member...I don't care if its your mother...around your kids??


Its great to have a father, trust me, but not one who posses scummy behavior. No matter what their job tittle is, if they are a harm or a threat to your well being you shouldn't have them around. you have to watch out for you and thats not being selfish not one bit. I hope everything works out

Answer 4

Use your words!!! Tell your Dad that if he's going to have a relationship with you. . . . no more talking about Mom (he can ask how she's doing, that's it).

If he can't promise to behave, then tell him don't call you.

There is plenty of time for parents to meet before the marriage. Your Dad needs to prove himself again before you take any risks. Don't invite him, it's not worth it yet.

Answer 5

You have to figure out which is important for you.You dad being there and embarrassing you in front of your future in laws or him not being there at all.To my opinion he missed out a lot.It won't be a big deal if he misses this one too.I mean you gave him another chance,opened up your hart and your life to him.At least he can try to be a descent person at the party for your sake.Talk to him about it.Tell him how you feel.Tell him it is very important for you guys to make a good impression.And ask him if he can do that for you.If you and your mom think he won't,then don't bother.And next time when he tries to talk bad about your mom,ask him to stop.Whatever she is,she was there for you when he wasn't.He can not just walk in out of nowhere and try to change things for you.Good luck.

Answer 6

UM MY PARENTS HAVENT BEEN TOGETHER ALL MY LIFE EITHER AND THEY WERE MARRIED FOR A LONG TIME(WELL THEY ACTUALLY STILL ARE MARRIED) MY DAD TRIES NOT TO BAD TALK MY MOM BUT MY MOM IS CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT MY DAD THERE IS NOTHING REALLY POSITIVE MY MOM SAYS ABOUT HIM AND MY DAD WASNT IN MY LIFE FOR ALONG TIME AND NOW THAT HE IS HE IS OVER BEARING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME AND PICK UP WHERE HE LEFT OFF(WHEN I WAS 4) BUT N E WAYS YOU JUST HAVE TO TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION AND TAKE THINGS FROM THERE

Answer 7

I think I would level with your dad about how you feel when he talks crap about your mom. Let him know you understand he has a lot of negativity about your mom but that you don't want to hear it any more. Tell him that when you are around him you want to hear about him and get to know him better and that his bashing of your mom is getting in the way.

If he can't accept that then at least you know how it is going to be and can choose very carefully when you want to include him or not.

You can't change your dad but you can tell it like it is and let him choose to change his behavior and become welcome into more of your life. If he wants to be a part of your life now he needs to earn it!

Answer 8

I have learned that you can't please everyone. No matter what you do someone is going to be unhappy. Focus on you and your new family and pray for your parents. Make the invite and tell him how important it is to you and if he comes then good and if not oh well. I know it is hard but it is the only way to keep your sanity.

Answer 9

Heidi, it is better for you to start introducing you parents to your future in-laws. At list you will know if your dad will behave perfectly in this family gathering of your fiance family. If your dad behave bad, then you know what to do to your wedding.
BY THE WAY CONGRATULATION TO YOUR WEDDING.

Answer 10

Oh,it is one wild time,it will start on a Friday and end on a Hungover Sunday...We are alot like you we will have no problem at all getting on Jerry Springer...