How do I learn to love my Grandad againwhen he killed my Grandma?

Question

My Grandma and Grandad were 81 and had been married for 63 years. My Grandma had an anurism about 8 years ago and had become quite demanding to live with since. We were also told that too much stress or worry could make her have another anurism or stroke.
However, my Grandad become close to one of her friends (who was being very sympathetic) and it grew into something else. He told the family (we are all v v close) he didn't want to spend his last years in misery looking after Gran and was gonna leave and move in with the friend.
The family made it clear we thought that was wrong and that Gran had not long to go anyway and also that it will devistate her.
She had stuck by him with 4 kids, 8 grandkids, 4 greatgrandkids, 2 businesses and 5 affairs and still loved him.
But then against all advice he left and although myself, my mum and a couple of uncles and aunties were there to help her through, she had a stroke and passed away.
I need to find a way to get rid of this resentment.

I want to love him like I always have I just don't know how.

Answer 1

Your Grandad didn't kill your Grandma.
You said yourself, she didn't have long to live anyway.
She might have passed away even if he had stayed.
I know you blame him for leaving, but your resentment will only hurt yourself.
No one can tell you how to forgive him.
The only thing that will help you forgive is attempting to understand why he did what he did.
If you can understand, you might be able to develop some compassion for the difficulties he was going through, including the loss of his wife as he had known her.
I know you love your Grandad.
I hope you can find your way to forgiveness.

Answer 2

First of all, he did not kill your grandmother. Very darn few people die as a result of losing the other. Usually they are already ill. So don't go blaming Grandpa for that.

Resentment: I wouldn't bother. He's an jerk. They think of nobody but themselves, so just stop wasting thoughts on him. OK, did that work?

On the other hand, maybe he just wanted to get sex and companionship, which he sure wasn't getting otherwise. It's not uncommon for an old guy to shack up with someone while grandma is in the nursing home. Perhaps callous to others, but men just aren't the nurturers women are especially if the plumbing still works.

Finally, I gotta add that family pressure doesn't help either. He's 81 for crissakes. Unless he's got Alzheimer's or dementia, he can make decisions without the kids calling the shots. He had 5 affairs. So what? That was between him and his wife and she chose to forgive him. If he wanted to leave, the uncles and aunties shouldn't have made such a deal out of it. Life is short. Especially at 81.

Answer 3

Try to look at this whole thing from a different point of view. On the one hand your Grandma loved him and stuck by him for 63 years, on the other hand they both knew she didn't have much longer to live. On the one hand your Grandad should have been with her until she died, on the other hand what would it feel like to have to watch someone you love wither away and die?

I'm not saying what your Grandad did was right but you don't know what he was feeling or thinking. Did anyone talk to your Grandma about him leaving or was she too incapacitated at the time? Did anyone ask him what he was feeling or did everyone just judge him and disapprove? Is it possible your Grandma gave him permission to be with this other woman because she knew he needed someone and she wouldn't be able to be there for him?

I know it's hard to understand but you never know what goes on inside a relationship that you can only see from the outside. Your Grandma is now at peace and she still loves your Grandad and she wants him to be happy. She loved him for more than 60 years and she knows he needs someone to take care of him. She's glad he found someone to do that. Try to develop some compassion for him. Maybe even ask him to explain why he did what he did and ask if he talked to your Grandma before he left.

You can spend the rest of your life disapproving of what he did or you can spend the rest of his years here forgiving him and loving him. It's your choice. If you choose to not forgive, you'll miss out on spending time with him and enjoying his company. By not forgiving, by hanging on to the anger, you're hurting yourself. He's with his other woman and I doubt he's spending too much time worrying about what the family thinks. Give him a call to see how he's doing. I know he'll be glad to hear from you. And the best way to get rid of resentment is to be willing to hear his side.

Answer 4

First off Grandma had a stroke and passed away Gandad did NOT kill grandma..so first get that out of the head..second an anurism is a stroke to the head like blood clots bursting in the head..dangerous..and the stroke well thats jsut another downfall to things second you need to learn to love grandad most likly he loved grandma and this was hard on him sometimes people do things they do not intend to do to HURT people..so forgive him ok.. so what if he met a lady and moved in with her..maybe grandma told him to maybe she said get on with your life so as for him not to be so hurt anymore..no one knows the whole truth but grandpa so forgive ,doesn't mean ya gotta forget just forgive and love grandpa..take him to lunch he would love that people are most likly angry with him don't let him be alone on this one can you imagine if it were you

Answer 5

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.

It's quite obvious that your grandfather is a selfish man. There is no law that states that you have to have a relationship with this man. However, you need to clear your heart of this negative emotion you are feeling. Not for your grandfather's benefit but your own.

Begin by focusing on the positive..think about what a great woman your grandma was and how she's influenced you to be a good woman as well.

Answer 6

What a horrible thing to happen, you have my sympathy. It is so hard to lose a loved one but when it happens this way, it is even harder. You need to be open and talk to your Grandfather and try to clear the air. How did your Grandma handle it when he left before she died? It must have broken her heart, to give a man so much and then when you need him most, he leaves. Men can be so insensitive sometimes. Only thinking of their own needs. Not all men, so don't write me men and tell me how wrong I am. Also you need to pray, God can help you thru this. Time helps also, it will be easier as time goes on, but you need to talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. Maybe he can help ease your pain. God Bless you.

Answer 7

Wow, thats sad sorry to hear that. I would say you have to just remember poeple sometimes make choices that we don't always understand but you should still love them any way. Just try and remember when you did something that may not have been the best choice in someone else's eyes, would you want the people you love to try and understand?

Answer 8

sorry to hear such a sad story. but i think that we can learn from this that life is too short. Those 63 years of marriage may seem long, but they go by quick. I think that, even though you resent him so, he is nonetheless your grandfather and no matter what he does, you just can't hate him. he is your family and he too does not have much time left. it is inevitable. so it is best to set aside your resentment and just enjoy what is left.

Answer 9

Forgive him for being human and a big *** hole. You don't have to forget what he did. If he has had 5 affairs, he is a creep. Sorry he is your grand dad. You should forgive him for yourself. Keeping that resentment will only hurt you.

Answer 10

You dont learn to love him. That man had a great life with a great loving wife who stuck with him through everything and he left her. You and your family(or atleast you) should ignore your grampa, I doubt he will contact you anyway. Let him live his life and the way it is now. Im sure, before he dies he and that girl that he is with will break up.

Good luck to you and your family.