First, my father is an ahcoholic. Tonight, my 8 year old son had his end of the year program at school. My mother and father came together. I sat next to me father and he reeked of alcohol. I was upset with him and somewhat embarrassed. I am on PTO, a classroom volunteer and am respected at the school. I feel like he should not have come like that. I knew I could not say anything to him because I have learned you cannot reason with an intoxicated person. I should point out that he did not "act" drunk. I knew he was beacuse I know him...he just smelled awful. Anyway, as we were leaving I said to me mom "why did you let him come in that condition?" She said " I did'nt LET him...talk to him." She called me 2 hours later crying and asked me if I knew what it was like to live with an alcoholic and was upset that I "crawled all over her" for asking why she did not say something to him. She hung up on me. I dont understand what I did wrong. Help.
2007-05-21 15:50:30 · 8 answers · asked by paminpoq 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You didn't do anything wrong. Alcoholism is very difficult on the alcoholic and eveyone around them. If there is a "cure," the cure involves very tough love. The alcoholic needs to hit bottom and be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Anyone around the alcoholic that does not confront the alcoholic's behavior and force the alcoholic to deal with him or her self is enabling the alcoholic.
Enabling only makes the problem last longer for the alcoholic. Because alcoholism is progressive, chronic and fatal, the longer the person is an active alcoholic, the greater the probability of total physical and emotional ruin to for both the alcoholic and his/her family.
Perhaps the next time there is an occassion where your father will attend, you tell him ahead of time that he will not be welcome if he attends drunk and stinking. This is a reasonable position for you to take and it helps your father and takes the burden of his conduct off your mother.
Best of luck to you.
2007-05-22 18:34:54 · answer #1 · answered by JR 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is hopeless and helpless, an enabler yes, she should have told him not to come or left without him, if there would have been no abuse by doing so...
Your father may have well liked to stay at home rather than to take a break from the drinking.
But, you do need to let your father know how you felt and that you really don't want him in "that condition" when he is around your children.
And then I would take your mother out for a nice lunch and let her know YOU are there to listen and help support her, because she needs support too.
You can still love them both but there is a time in everyones life that you become the parent to your parents, as the saying goes. Be the bigger adult.
2007-05-21 16:06:48 · answer #2 · answered by rdhedhottie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism is a TRUE Family Illness, it affects everyone that is in contact with the alcoholic. You did nothing wrong, and neither did your mom. You both need to get involved in Alanon and you need to get into ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics. Your mother could no more have controlled your father than you could have. I recommend that you tell him when he is sober that he embarrassed you and that he is no longer welcome to be around you and your family when he is under the influence. Then stick to your guns. Alanon and ACOA will teach you how to live with an Alcoholic and help you fix you, but it won't fix the alcoholic. If you have any questions feel free to email me. seniorchiefretired@yahoo.com Good Luck
2007-05-21 16:35:47 · answer #3 · answered by seniorchiefretired 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to go to Alanon with your mom. Or by yourself. No one can tell another adult what to do. Your mom certainly doesn't like living like she does. You did "crawl all over her". I know you were embarrassed, but you don't have to be. Everyone has someone like your dad in their family. The only thing that happened tonight, was that all the people who were intimated by your perfectionism saw you as a human being. Your dad has a sickness. Would you beat your mom up if he had to walk around with an oxygen tank? People need to rethink addiction and realize it is an illness that needs help, not condemnation. Would you think badly of someone you met, just because their loved one had an alcohol problem? As I say this to you, I am saying it to myself. I don't judge other people as harshly as I judge my own family. We need to be more compassionate as people. Good luck to you. Give your mom a hug and tell her you're sorry.
2007-05-21 16:10:24 · answer #4 · answered by lady 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did nothing wrong! Your mother was wrong to get upset with you. He is her husband and she needs to get him help with AA. My husband is an alcoholic, not since I've been with him though, he has been clean 25 years this october. Your father should not have showed up reaking of booze that was wrong. An alcoholic has to admit he has a problem or he won't seek help. But your mom wasn't fair with you, you asked a question most people would have asked.
2007-05-21 17:42:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know growing up with an alcoholic father after a while that have that smell always weather they have had a drink or not. I am sorry he embarrassed you and your son. Your mom shouldn't be mad at you. She may be mad at herself cause she cant control him or change him even though she may wish it.
2007-05-21 15:57:36 · answer #6 · answered by d2347 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You blamed the wrong person. She cannot control him. You need to apologize to her and address the issue to the person who offended you.
2007-05-21 16:11:35 · answer #7 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she's his Enabler... you ALL need to go to a few Al-Anon meetings... he wont stop... you need help too!
2007-05-21 15:54:24 · answer #8 · answered by bronzebabekentucky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋