Should I punish her for saying "I hate you Mom" ?

Question

NOT MY CHILD. But she lives with me, I take care of her and basically raise her. She's my niece, 7 years old.

Her mom (my sister) does not live with us but comes over often to see her daughter and take her out and buy/pay for school, etc... Her and her husband are divorce and have other people in their life now.

One morning I go downstairs and my sister tells me her daughter just said she hates her mom and she likes her step-mom better. So of course my sister gets very upset.

I want to know should I:

1. Talk to her and tell her what she said was mean and wrong and disrespectful. & no punishment.

2. Talk to her, punish her with no TV for a week.

3. Say a little something about it and let it go.

Ignoring it is not an option. I understand her mom is obviously not there for her and my neice probably feels a bit of resentment against that, but her mother does visit, call and take care of her financially. whether or not a good or bad mother, she is nonetheless her mother

Answer 1

Option one is likely the best beginning. Consider that even if she's being disrespectful and cruel, at least she's verbalizing. Children in her situation can be quite withdrawn and you *don't* know what they're thinking. Small grace for her to say something hurtful, I know, but still...

If the behavior continues, she's had a fair warning, and you can introduce some punishments.

She's going to have a lot of mixed emotions regarding her parenting situation. It's not to early to work with a child counselor to help her come to terms with things in a more healthy fashion.

Answer 2

Just talk to her. She likely confused about the situation. Do the step-mom take up more time with her? Sound like her real mom needs to start being a REAL mom and not throw her children off on other people. The little girl is probably resentful of her. Now she has another man when she should have been trying to get close to her daughter. No she shouldn't be punished at all. If her mom really cared about her she would step in now, before she become a rebellious teen or a runaway. And start looking for love in all the wrong places. I think you should stop taking up her slack and make her be a responsible adult. Money can't buy you love. There's more to caring for a child then financially. They need LOVE.

Answer 3

I would go with #1. At 7 she doesn't understand the financial responsability that her mother is providing for her. But your sisters visiting and then leaving again is very upseting for your niece. She knows she is being left out of her mothers life and it seems she is very hurt. My mother left us when I was 14. I was and probably still am a little resentful that she started a new life without us. Your niece is too. My mother didn't visit and hardly ever called so it wasn't being thrown in my face all the time. Your niece may feel that way though. At seven she is too young to understand why her mother can't raise her. She will when she is older. For now you may want to take her to a councilor who is trained to work with younger children. To help her understand. But no punishment is needed.

Answer 4

Do you really want to punish the child for having an opinion? While you're right it's not like she has no role in the child's life but it's obvious that you have a larger role. Possibly it's because of the resentment of her mother not being there, and honestly it's her resentment and problems to deal with. Instead of punishing someone for their opinion maybe you need to deal with the real problem. This child is hurting on the inside because of the lack of or the perceived lack of attention from her mother, (and maybe father I don't know the situation here). Look into some counseling likely they probably offer some at her school or in your community.

Answer 5

Explain to her that she does not hate her mom but that she hates the things she does or doesn't do. Don't tell her it was wrong because if that is how she feels she should not be told her feelings are wrong. Also, she should not be told to tell her mom she is sorry unless she really is and wants to say it. After all, has her mother told her she is sorry that her relationship with a new man is more important than having her home. How hard it must be for her to live with you but see her mom. She must feel abandoned and wonder why her mom does not want her. Just because your sister is her mother doesn't matter to your niece at this age. She is angry and confused. I would not punish her for how she feels. Just talk with her and allow her to speak freely about her feelings. If you think she needs some professional help, please check with school counseling, clergy or psychologist. She needs to heal now before her teen years.

Answer 6

I would go with # 3.

Yes it was rude and possibly disrespectful, but it's how she feels. You could ask her why she said it, but you probably already know the answer. You might mention that 'hate' is very strong word that is often used but rarely meant and better way to express her anger would be to tell her mother that she's 'mad' or 'upset' or 'hurt' which probably come closer to the truth.

I definitely think you should NOT punish her. She's expressing well deserved feelings. When my children tell me that I just say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and let it go.

She didn't mean it and you know that, and your sister needs to accept that her daughter is going to be angry because she's not raising her.

Answer 7

i would pick #1 because I'm sure she will tell her mom she hates her more than 1 time plus u say she's not really there for her daughter except to visit, call, and send money and not there for her emotionally specially at such a young age im sure she's gonna grow up with some resentment towards her whether a good mom or not

Answer 8

i believe you need to talk to both the mother and your niece.For one the mother needs to understand what she is putting her daughter through for pursing another relationship.I don't let why she left her behind but I do believe no matter what,your kids come first.Your niece is going through alot of mixed emotions and she has the right to express herself.Do explain to her that saying that is wrong and disrespectful and re introduce her to the rules and manners of a family.There is something on her mind of the way her mother is living.Children say and do things to get attention,ask her if there is something she wants ro talk about.

Answer 9

i would go for number 1 but you need to inforce some sort of small punishment, and if she dose it again then inforce a stronger punishment, if not taken care of your situation can get way out of control, my brother told my mom she was a bi*** and he ended up getting in a fight with his dad running down the road and getting hit by a car, hes ok but still in the hospital, so you see how this can escalate if you dont take care if it

Answer 10

I would do 1- there's no need for punishment. She does need to know that should really shouldn't say those thing about her mom. I think if you punish her she may resent you and 'hate' her mom more.