What can i say to get through to her?

Question

Okay i have a family member (18) who is just graduating highschool next month wants a baby(no job) with her ex.bf whom she says she loves. She thinks he will be forced to come back to her or at least he will always be in her life no matter what.I am only a few years older than this particular family member and i am 22 yrs old.She thinks she is using my experience of having a baby w/ my then ex.bf and getting back together as an example.Does not understand is that 1.It was NOT done on purpose 2.I was starting my second year of college when i got pregnant 3. I had a job and so did my then ex.bf also he was about to graduate.She does not see that i had to go back to school 3 weeks after having my son so i would have an associates degree,all the drama it caused,how much i had to rely on family memebers,or how stressed, sick and tiered i was.She see's it as glamorous?

Also my bf and i had to make a choice to work together as a team.We only got back together a year after our son was born.I dont think she or her ex.bf has the maturity level to deal with a child.

Answer 1

I'd call Dr. Phil - It's very hard to explain anything to someone that seems to have her "immature" mind made up. I bet if she had a baby, and had to get up every night to feed and change, -- NOT be able to go out in the evening to "party" with her friends, -- NOT be able to afford cute clothes because all the money goes into caring for the baby, -- NOT being able to keep her "ex-bf" from going with other girls, -- and NOT being able to make the "ex-bf" to even pay child support.

Have you talked to her parents? They need to know what is going on. Yes, I know she is 18, but she is acting like a 15 yr old. And if nothing else, think of the poor child she will be bringing in to the world without 2 committed parents. NOW, that would be a true tragedy. Tell her to think of her "child".

Answer 2

Hi. I am a 24 yr. old, mother of a 3 yr old boy, and I understand how this might be a bit frustrating for you and difficult to explain. My best suggestion to do is this...give her options. Let her know the pros and cons about having a baby at her age. Having a child is a wonderful thing when both people love each other mutually and respect each other in the same manner. There should always be more reasons than those but if either one of those are missing, it is only a certainty that there never really was a "family", only a single parent and child. Anyone can have a "baby" but being able to keep it alive with all of its necessities and the parent's needs too is easier said than done. Let her know that. Having a baby means putting herself and boyfriend in the back burner...once the baby comes, it's all about making sure that child has everything it needs to grow to become a healthy, respectful, and intelligent human being. She will only get the chance to be a young adult once in her life... you probably already know this but, she might think that she'll have him back because they'll be having a kid together but in all actuality he's not even interested in HER... if he comes back to her that is, it'll be to make sure that the kid has a father. I was once told this saying... "if it's really love, let it go. It'll come back to you when it's deserved". I am a VERY strong believer in that. Life is a big wheel, what goes around will eventually come around again... if it was ever really there. I believe that if they aren't together now, then it's because they don't belong together at this moment in life...everything happens for a reason and whether or not she believes it now, that is a FACT. If you could point out more of the cons to her for having a child without a father, but without putting your own mistakes as examples, then maybe you will be able to get through to her. Give her respect in the fact that she confided in you to tell you she wants a baby, and don't talk to her like she is a child, respect is very crucial...if she feels you are talking down to her she will not listen. I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

Answer 3

Does she even want a baby? I mean, in general, want a baby? Would she go for having a baby if it was with someone else? If she wants a baby that badly, then she must have a reason.
If she wants a baby to get a man, then what reason is that? Ask her how she would feel if she ever found out that she was conceived just to trap her father. Can you imagine finding out from your mom "Hey, I didn't really want a kid, but it was the only way I could think of to trap your father for life"
Does she have enough feeling to realize that this is not loving the baby? If she says she would love the baby, then why is she bringing a baby she would love into such circumstances? The father could resent the baby, not be a part of the baby's life. Bring that up. If you love a baby, you bring it into the world ( unless it's a surprise pregnancy to BOTH parents) at a time when you are prepared to care for one. You have money in the bank, good health insurance, etc.
And then shall we bring up the mechanics of this? Is she going to wait until she is in her fertile time and then throw herself at her ex bf? If they are still sleeping together he is hardly her ex.
If all else fails, and you can find this guy, then warn him. I am usually against going to another person and butting in, but the welfare of a possible baby is on the line. Maybe he has enough sense to keep his zipper up, or use protection on HIS end.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to her like she is the one making the choice. Teenagers always want that feeling of independence. Tell her ok, if you are going to have a baby then lets work together and calculate the income you will need to be able to support the baby. Don't make it sound like you are trying to teach her a lesson, make her feel like you are on board with her. Have her babysit (if you trust her to do it). After figuring out the income help her find a job (full-time only) then see if she will enroll in school while having the full-time job. There are a lot of "ifs" in there but it is all how you approach her with these ideas. Once she is in school and working full-time job she will get the feeling of being overwhelmed. This is when (again if you trust her) you ask her to babysit. If she says she can't cuz she is too busy with school and work, let her know that you are just trying to help get her ready for having that beautiful baby that she wants. My little sister is 19 and she is acting stupid too. In the end they have to make their own choices. That is the only way that they learn.

Answer 5

Ignorance is bliss. I have the same problem with my 19 yr old daughter who is not on birth control and screwing this married guy who beats her up. I did everything a responsible parent should do. I made an appointment with the doctor and even drove her there and and when she asked her what kind of birth control she wanted. My daughter said she didnt want to be on birth control and refused the prescription.
I pray. Thats all I can do. Pray and ask for Gods mercy. All things are possible. I am not a religious person, but its all I have. Faith.
The father of my daughters last boyfriend offered to pay for her appointment with the gynecologist for birth control and when he found out we had already been down that road, freaked out when I told him she was not on birth control. She had been staying at his apartment overnite with his son while he was out of town. The boyfriend dumped her and left for the Marines. True story.

Answer 6

If I were you I would find a counselor or a support group of young single mothers. Ask the counselor/group if they would be willing to share their experiences with this same kind of situation with your sister. Let your sister see that your's was the exeption to the rule. Someone I love did what your sister wants to do and she ended up having to give the baby up for adoption because the man didn't want her or the baby. And ask your sister if it is fair to purposefully bring a child into this world under such circumstances. Does she really want to tell her child that shehe was concieved as a last ditch effort to trap a man who doesn't love her?

Answer 7

Try explaining everything to her just like you did to all of us. I know she probably won't want to listen, but try. Explain that a baby only adds stress to a relationship. Yes a baby is a wonderful thing but it is also very hard work. Try to tell her that just because there is a baby doesn't mean some guy is going to love her. Yes he will always be in her life but it may not be the way she wants him. Just be open and honest with her and hopefully she will listen to your advice, and maybe learn from all the hard times you went through.

Answer 8

You're going to have to accept that it's cool to get knocked up now. I think you are being a negative nancy here by being against your family member wanting to get knocked up. You need to stay out of her life and deal with your own mistake.

Answer 9

Talk to the ex bf if she is not listening. Let him know of her intentions of trying to get pregnant. Maybe he will get completely out of her life if he knows this.