Am I shallow? When I'm out shopping or wherever, I always point out people's "flaws"? (Not outloud though)

Question

I always comment on people's looks, not to the point where a person can actually hear me talking about them but I always say stuff about a person's "flaws" to whoever I'm with. Stuff like, She has a big nose or She has alot of zits etc. I'm very critical of myself and looks are a big thing for me. I try to look as good as I possibly can. I'm not mean and would never ever make a mean or rude comment outloud where other people can hear it. But I hate it that I always seem to pick out what I consider to be a person's "flaws". They could be the nicest sweetest person, but if they have a "flaw" such as a big nose or crooked teeth or missing teeth etc., I think to myself, she'd be pretty if she didn't have that big nose or whatever. Why do I do this? Does anyone else ever do this or think these things about people you see when you're out? I wanna stop doing this cuz I would hate for people to point out my "flaws". Does this make me shallow??

I totally understand real beauty comes from within, but what I'm saying is that when I see a STRANGER, the first thing I notice is that STRANGER'S external "flaw".

Answer 1

Shallow? Yes, I suppose your habit of evaluating everyone's flaws is rather shallow. But, the answer to why you do this is I think something you are already aware of. You seem to admit that your personal insecurities are based on your own looks ("I'm very critical of myself"). Because this is so, pointing out other people's flaws makes you feel better about yourself in some way because I'm guessing these are flaws you do not have. It's like your mind is always adding up your own flaws and when you see someone with a flaw you don't see in yourself you have to make a mental note "at least I don't have that flaw". To solve this problem, take a close look at yourself. What makes you this way? You'll probably be surprised to discover that many of the people you are critical of have a higher self esteem and are happier with themselves than you are. Seems like maybe they could be the lucky ones huh???

Answer 2

No, it doesn't make you shallow. You would be shallow if you allowed those "flaws" to keep you from hanging around with people or developing friendships with them. It's perfectly natural to think those things as long as you don't think that you are somehow "better" than they are because you don't have them. Recognizing your own flaws is just as important.

I look at it this way, you are just looking to see where people can improve. And since you don't know them on the inside yet, the outside is all you have to work with. Maybe you can channel this interest into a job someday? Can you see the same things in way something is done? Can you pick out the "flaws" in a home that could be improved and made more saleable? Using your ability to see the "potential" in people on the outside could be the makings of a career for you.
As long as you don't let the physical things you see cloud your opinions of people, it's not a bad thing

(it's a chick thing....we all do it...even if we don't admit it....)

Answer 3

That sounds more to do with being insecure or rude rather than shallow per se. Mature people typically don't make comments like that. But we're all human and we all let our lower nature creep in from time to time.

Don't worry, this is nothing odd or uncommon. This sort of thing comes from not accepting ourselves too much. I've given a couple of links below about Dr. Susan Jeffers. She lumps how we relate to the world in 2 categories. The one is "somebody training," which sounds a bit like you are noticing in yourself. Somebody training is a lifestyle of doing things to prove yourself and become somebody. It's emphasized since an early age. We are told by our parents that good little girls or boys do this or do that. We are told that good kids make all straight A's. Good people have straight teeth. Good people have no handicaps. Good people are a certain race, etc. So if you want to be somebody, you have to do all these things. With this mindset, we see others as being obstacles, competitors, and even enemies. That destroys the ability to connect to others or find a fulfilling life. How can a person help, trust, or truly be friends with a person that is seen as a competitor and someone who can get in the way of us being seen the best?

On the other hand, there is Everybody thinking. It focuses on the common qualities that make us all human. The same lonliness, the same pain, the same core needs. It recognizes that there are really no strangers, but friends we haven't met. This mindset is based more on inner character and responsibility rather than externals. Those in the Everybody Thinking mode tend not to treat others badly because they are more secure. There is little complaining or whining because we realize we don't need to manipulate others.

Answer 4

It sounds like you've developed an idle habit, and habits can be broken. You at least have the sense to understand that this is an artificial metric and that you yourself have flaws just like anybody else. And the fact that you acknowledge a characteristic of your own that is unflattering to reveal shows maturity and a real desire to change, so you are a few steps in the right direction already.

As to why you do that, I really think it's probably your own way of boosting a sense of security in yourself. If you can see something evidently wrong with someone that they can't really change, you know that will always be there should they try to make you feel bad. (Oh yeah, well at least I don't have crooked teeth!) or whatever.

You can turn anything into a negative like that, and I think practically everyone does it at one level or another. We don't like to admit it, or we think our metric is "more important" than looks - so we may not get hung up on looks but we might judge others based on whether they've been to college, or whether they own a big house, or whether they go to church often enough, or whether they come from an important family, or whether they rock at sports, or whatever.

There is always a way to set a yardstick by which to judge people that has nothing to do with who they are as a person and we usually do it to makes ourselves feel less insecure. It strikes me that this sort of habit is pretty normal, so I don't think this makes you shallow -- as long as you don't decide that a person is a BAD person or not worth your time because of a physical imperfection. We can notice all sorts of shortcomings in others and still love them anyway, (As one friend of mine once put it, "you're a dork --- but no worse than the rest of us!")

Oddly, being hard on ourselves usually translates into being harder on other people than we mean to be, and in the same area. If I am worried that I am not smart enough, other people's slow wits might upset me more. If I can only accept the highest level of physical performance in myself, I may get irritated when others can't clear that bar as well. Nobody really benefits from this kind of thinking because the standard is always, eventually, impossible for anyone to meet, yourself included. Besides that, it's artificial.

Be aware that if you engage in that kind of critical remark often enough, it will eventually come back to bite you. You just never know who the strangers around you are -- they could be responsible for hiring you for your next job, or the relative of the boy you are crushing on -- and if you give yourself a reputation for making unkind remarks, you will be more likely to attract people who do the same.

It's easier to break a habit if you find something to replace it. For example, if you notice someone's physical flaw and feel compelled to point it out, take it as a cue to immediately turn your attention to something about that person that is appealing to you, even if it's only a cute pair of shoes, and point that out instead. Or if it's someone you spend time around, notice it when they do something kind or funny or loving and give them credit for that. After a while the flaws will fade into the static, and you will have picked up a new habit of remarking (this time out loud where anyone can hear you) what a nice pair of shoes that girl is wearing or how lucky that guy is to have such long eyelashes. Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the positive in everyone instead of focusing on the negative.

Oh, and do the same thing for yourself first thing in the morning when you look in the mirror. ;-)

You're OK, just keep on goin'.

Answer 5

I am not going to call you names or anything like some of the other people but the reason you look at everyone else's flaws is because you are incredibly insecure about yourself. You def need some counseling about yourself. Look at your self in the mirror and write down what you hate physically about yourself. Then right down what you hate about your self personality wise, which ones would you rather change?? Hopefully the personality ones and I think you are going in that direction because you asked this question. I truely hope that you become a happier person so you don't have to put others down.

Answer 6

Well I think that its very considerate of you to not point them out outloud, but usually this would be a sign of low self esteem of yourslef. This would be done to make yourself feel better or prettier. I was this way at one time and realized I felt better putting others down (in my mind). This is silly, everyone is different and has their own beauty (inner or outter) and you need to find this with people and have peace with them and yourself. Not everyone is granted with good looks and nobody is perfect. I dont think your shallow, if you were you would tell them how you feel. Just try finding the beauty in people instead of flaws. If you catch yourself doing this, try to say 5 things nice about them instead. You will eventually overcome this, I did.

Answer 7

As long as you're not saying these things out loud.
It is very normal to look at people and immediately think to yourself,"Should she be wearing that mini skirt?", or things like that.
If you're not insulting people to their faces, it's normal.
Yes-regardless of what many of the people answering today are saying, it's very normal to do this sometimes. Not being totally obsessed with it though. I tend to believe it's more common amongst women than men.
I mean, after all-nobody is perfect. Neither you nor I, nor anyone else.
It would help to try to look for people's positive characteristics b/f the bad if you can.
I wouldn't say you're shallow. Our society is sadly based on physical appearance so it's kind of hard to get away from this.

Answer 8

Shallow, no. As you've mentioned you are critical of yourself. You are probably aware of your own low self-esteem. Focus on your accomplishments which have nothing to do with your appearance. If you can't think of any get out and create some. Volunteer at a nursing home reading to the elderly. Join Big Sisters and make a child's life happier and more full filling. Anything you do to make others happy will make you happy. That is the root of your problem. You aren't happy with yourself.Good luck!

Answer 9

As human beings, it's normal to point out flaws. It's just something our brain does. You're not being shallow unless you think about it twice or judge the person's personality by thier looks. A person could look mean but could be the nicest person in the world.

You can lose the guilt by just keeping the thought to yourself and then dissmising it. Don't mention it to your friend.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Its a little shallow...but the good thing is you recognize that its not a positive behavior. Next time that you automatically think, "Omg, look at that girl's hair", turn it into something positive, like "but she has really nice skin" or "i love the shoes she's wearing". This way you won't slip up if you ever are talking about someone outloud. Just turn your criticism to a more positive outlook and have fun