My sister in law ignores me, how do i cope. I feel like a pushover?

Question

Okay my husband’s sister and I started on the right foot initially. But, she has become more and more distant from me. I don’t know why.
I’ll give you a quick back story and see if you can figure out what her problem is:.
She’s the youngest of two boys and always gets what she wants, she has never worked a day in her life. Let’s just say her life is all set given that she also married someone who will always support her. I just don’t like her constant mood swings. My husband even agrees that she’s a morale crasher at family gatherings given her bad attitude. Everyone is too afraid to confront her fearing a temper tantrum (BTW she’s 26)
Out of good graces I accepted her to stay in my house because me mother in law was staying with us when my new baby arrived. For some reason whenever she shows up her and my mother in law team up and ignore me completely. No, I’m not being paranoid.
Here’s one example: I went downstairs to the kitchen to get water one morning and said good morning.

I know they heard me too. Not a word! Not one word..
To be the bigger person I said have a great day and went upstairs, and told my husband. Big mistake..
I realized, he didn’t like me mentioning that and we then got in a huge fight.
I should have ran when I had the chance but now I’m stuck with this family and his sister’s bad attitude. At times I don’t know what to do I feel like a total pushover being that keep receiving this abuse and not being able to tell anyone about it. To make matters worse her husband treats me bad too and doesn’t even talk to me when he’s in my house. I don’t want to be a bad hostess but how do handle their bad attitudes?

They are visitng by the way.

To give you a clear example that they really don't like me: I volunteered to cook lunch one day and everyone was clearly hungry. They assumed that it was their mom who cooked so the sister and her husband come down and are like wow it smells good. They are then stunned to see me at the stove and then go back upstairs. The husband sneaks out 5 minutes later and goes and buys them salad from the store. The mere fact that he actually returned with food and didn't try to hide it just killed me. They are now all in the living room their plates are stacked high in the sink and I being the idiot I am actually washed them! No thank you nothing!!

Answer 1

Wait we need more explaination....Are they living with you permantely? How old is your baby, how long have they been there?
My advice would be ignore her back. If she is living with you, you need to talk to hubby about when they will be moving out. If they only come to visit, try and make the visits less. Have something to do, go see your family.....Also when they have a family function be busy or make plans requiring you to leave early. Soon maybe they will see they are causing themselves to lose out....

Answer 2

Well this is 2 completely seperate issues. Yes your sis-in-law sucks. Many people have a member of the new family they don't like. You just deal. Your problem is that you were dumb enough to allow her to live in your house. That is your mistake. Now you can't fix it.

Now in my case, I'd explain to my husband that its about time she move on and I can take care of the new baby on my own. And my husband and I would inform her that while we've appreciated having her stay with us after the baby was born, that we would now like to get used to being a family and bonding with the baby on our own.

Also be aware you have just had a baby and you might still be very hormonal. You said good morning and they didn't reply. That really crushed you huh? I mean seriously--this isn't the worst of your problems is it?

But your real problem here is NOT your sis-in-law. It's your husband. You said it was a big mistake to tell your husband and that he treats you badly. You need to get those people out of your house so that you can work on your marriage. You missed your chance and didn't get out when it was just you--and now its not just about you. You have children in the picture. They don't deserve to grow up in a horrible household with parents fighting all the time.

You and your husband need to invest some serious time. Both go to counciling and give it 100%. You admit that it was a mistake and that if you could go back you wouldn't marry your husband again. Thats bad. So fix it. Give everything you've got into making that relationship work. And if at the end it still doesn't, then you will have earned your way to a divorce. But the 2 of you need to have some serious conversations about the state of your marriage if you feel that way. And you both need to invest some serious time into making this the marriage you want to be in for the next 50 years.

Answer 3

After reading Kathrin's response I have one little thing to add:

Show them the door. Just ask 'when do you think you will be leaving, I'd like to establish a routine and feel well enough to take care of our home'.

Put you little foot down, don't let yourself feel defeated..

May stir up more stuff, but getting them out of the house is the objective.

Too many people in the house and time for you, baby and husband to reconnect as a family UNIT.

You/baby/husband don't need all the melodrama,and negative, hostile input in your home. What SIL and MIL are doing is ABUSIVE.

Remember: Fish and house guests start to smell after 3 days.

Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, you and your husband need to work out whatever's happening between you 2. It could stem from his family's abusing you or something else. He needs to be on your side, assuming his family is being ridiculous.
Try to talk calmly to your sister in law and find out what the problem is. She's probably influencing her husband, who also ignores you.
How long is she planning to stay? If that hasn't been brought up, it needs to be. It is YOUR house, after all.
If your husband refuses to talk with you or defend you, suggest counseling. If he says no, I would seriously consider leaving him. I know that's not what you want to hear, but your husband is the one who pledged to stick by you through trials (including childish relatives). Good luck.

Answer 5

Damn this is bad I think I would have to say something regardless,I mean it is YOUR home and quit frankly I wouldn't care if it upset my husband or not,he really should be the one to say something but if he won't, then you have to. Since they are there and acting like asses maybe you should take the baby and go visit friends or your family, stay gone all day and leave them to each other,and do it everytime they come around,until someone gets the picture that your not having no one disrespect you in your own home.

Answer 6

I'm sorry of what you're going through. Could it be that they're jealous of you "taking away" their son/brother? Or maybe your husband had told them about your complaints and now they're holding grudges. Well, since your husband is not taking your feelings into consideration or being helpful, should you talk to them yourself? I understand that you feel 'stuck ' in this situation. But don't let them ruin your marriage or life! I mean, ultimately, you're married to your husband, not them. I would sit down, have a talk with them and clear things out. Good luck.

Answer 7

Your sister in la is controlling you with her behavior. You need to ignore her. Act like nothing is wrong and it will ruin the game she is playing and she will end up looking like the idiot. Its one thing for her to act childish but no reason for you to respond to her. You will be free of worrying if shes mad, what to say or not say. Just go on with your life eventually she will get tired of playing the game alone and stop it.

Answer 8

confront them. your hubby isnt being very supportive and just say that you feel ignored and not comfortable in your own home when she is there. my sis is like that, she lives at home with my dad and she is 30, never had to work hard, or pay rent, couldnt make it on her own. self absorbed and mean. maybe you should just forget having a relationship with someone who is like this might be healthier adn less stressful. your hubby should stick up for you too not take their side. kick him in the rear and tell him how things are and that he needs to be part of the solution not part of the problem.

Answer 9

This is YOUR house. This is YOUR baby. This is YOUR husband. They are GUESTS in YOUR house.
It just sounds like your husband needs a reality check. He married you, and you are a united front. He needs to let his family know that their actions are hurting you.
And you need to take your power back. People only treat you the way you allow them too.

Don't allow them to continue. If the SIL has a temper tantrum, remind her of her age and suggest she act it. People who act like that rarely have a mirror held up to show them they are being ridiculous.

You're not obligated to cater to her childish whims, you didn't raise her. Her parents have allowed this to continue and now, until you put your foot down and let her know its unacceptable, she'll keep doing it too you.

Answer 10

I think your husband may be the problem. Just from what you said about him sneaking out to buy food. You need to sit down with him and have a long talk. He needs to understand that , right or wrong, no matter what, it's HIS job to back you up. What he did by running out to buy that food was to give in to whatever issues these people have. What he SHOULD have done was to talk up your cooking and make a scene about being proud of you (even if he hates your cooking). It's important that his family see the two of you as a UNITED team.
It is possible that he has done (or not done) something and blamed it on you. Maybe not intentionally but maybe because he didn't want to deal with his family. It's easier to blame it on the new kid.
At any rate, you need to figure out what is going on with HIM first.

I would sit down with your mother in law ALONE and ask her what is up. Clearly, your sister in law is her child and she would probably know best. I might guess and say that she is probably spoiled and resents that fact that her brother's new "love" is you and is no longer making her a primary focus. But that is HER problem. But ask your mother in law just to find out if somehow you said or did something that upset them.

Understand, this girl is HER child, so she will probably always side with her and pay more attention to her. Don't take that personally. You will do the same thing one day. :)

I would make a point to spend time with your mother in law alone, without your sister in law. Really get to know her. Don't divulge any personal information or problems you might be having with your husband. She may share them with your sister in law innocently but that will come back an bite you in the bum!

If having them in your home is causing you stress, they need to leave. Your mental health and the success of your marriage is more important. Talk it over with your husband. And if they need to leave, you need to tell them together. The decision has to come accross as one that you make together. And he is NEVER to tell them that you were made to feel uncomfortable. NEVER. His job is to make you FIRST,....BEFORE his mother, sister or anyone else in the family. Make sure he is clear on that!

As far as your sister in law goes: Recognize that you may never be able to have a close relationship with her. And you may never know what her problem is. I would treat her respectfully. Kill her with kindness. But I would not go out of my way to spend time with her unless she invites you specifically. If she makes you uncomfortable on purpose, speak up (privately but immediately). Take her aside, WHEN it happens and specifically ask her "Did I do something to upset you?" If she says no, then ask her "The why would you______ (fill in the incident). You need to point out what she did and how it made you feel. Tell her "I don't know if you realize how hurtful that is". "I want us to be close but that kind of thing really makes it hard to be around you".

She may not listen. She may argue and pout. That's her problem.

If this thing really start to be an issue, avoid her. Only attend family functions that are really important and let your husband explain why you are not attending (he's not allowed to blame you). Sooner or later he'll get tired of coming up with excuses and he'll have to tell his sister she's a b**ch.

Good luck with this. I have a girlfriend in the same exact situation.....She's finally had to tell her husband that except for Christmas, funerals and Thanksgiving, she's not going to any functions her sister in law will be attending. He goes alone (I think that is WRONG). She has just decided life is too short to deal with spoiled brat adult idiots!