Is it normal to keep your kids close?

Question

I have 2 kids, 1 yr. old son and 3 yr. old daughter...I dont trust anyone with them..Not even my family..The only family I trust are my mom and my mother in law and I get nervous when they go there without me..I'm scared they might get hurt or someones mean to them..I dont even like for my husband to be alone with them..I'm scared hes going to be mean to them or lose his temper...My husbands family thinks I need to loosen up and let go..Its hard when you hear so much going on in this world from the news...With my daughter-I'm scared all the time that someone is going to hurt her or mess with her...No lie, I cant go anywhere without someone saying my daughter has gorgeous hair or shes so beautiful..I had a guy in walmart one day that followed me around the store and told me so many times that my daughter was so beautiful and everywhere I turned he was there..So I left and he followed me to my car and it scared me so much...That was crazy!!

I'm a stay at home mother and my husband wants me to get a babysitter so we can go out..Our moms cant watch them b/c they got to work..So he wants me to get his cousin whos only 16 to watch them..What if shes mean to them? Is this normal to feel like this? Do u think I'm to concerned about my kids? Other parents just let there kids do anything..I would not let my 3 yr. old outside by herself and my friends thinks its okay for there kids..Im just scared they might get hurt or someones going to hurt them..Could someone give me some advice?

Answer 1

Unfortunately in this day and age you have to really work hard to protect your children. I commend you for being a good parent for sure but maybe a bit obsessive. I mean you should be able to trust your husband with them.
I work in Law Enforcement and I can tell you that 90 percent of the time I deal with delinquents it can be traced back to poor parenting where kids were not watched, loved or properly cared for. If you go on-line you will find predators, sexual deviants, and all kinds of pedophiles within sometimes blocks of your home. The percentages of abused kids is off the charts high and that would include relatives abusing as well. In the Wal Mart incident that you describe you should have definately called the police. This guy was someone that should be documented and questioned about his actions and perhaps even arrested.
I would lighten up on your husband and take time to go out but just leave the kids with the trusting people that you indicated. Sometimes overprotecting them could be a problem as well so try to balance it out.
In the long run...protect your children at all costs though.
All my best.

Answer 2

When they are YOUR kids, you can never be too careful. The important thing here is that this attitude is affecting your lives, and may one day make your children feel suffocated.

The info about the guy at Walmart was more than weird - if this happens again anywhere, report it to security or the police if it's in a public place. You may have left but the weirdo may have stalked some other mother and child. Don't be embarrassed to speak up about what you feel is not appropriate.

I worried excessively about my children when they were small, and nothing ever came of it. But I was very careful with them in public places and did not let them play in our front yard at all. Years later someone was abducted nearby, so you see I was right to be careful. But I took them many places, had their friends over, and allowed them to stay with trusted relatives.

I would never leave children as young as yours with a 16 year old. Yes, they can be responsible, but they do not have the maturity of an adult, and if they were my children, that's what I'd want. You really need to find some adult baby sitter who is trustworthy. Ask your friends, relatives, neighbors, at church, if they know anyone. When you use one, just go out for an hour or two the first time or so to check them out. I think this will get easier for you when the kids are a couple years older, and they can TELL you about their sitters.

But you say you're nervous when their father or grandmothers care for them - you're afraid they will be mean. I cannot fathom why you think that. If there is reason for it, then you are right to be concerned. But if you are fearful for no good reason, you need to look into where that fear comes from.

The most difficult piece of advice I can give you as a very protective mother of now adult children is that no matter HOW much you watch over them, you cannot prevent them from experiencing some negative situations in life, nor should you need to protect them from all of them. Being responsible for little precious lives is an overwhelming feeling, but you can only do your best. I have never apologized for the way I protected my children, and they are happy, successful, well-adjusted adults. They are also not naive about keeping themselves safe.

God bless you!

Answer 3

I believe Parents are the first line of defense for children. It's you and your husbands job to protect them. However, when you feel like you can't even trust your own husband with them that signals a deep problem with trust that YOU have.

Realize there will be times when someone may say something cruel to your children and you won't be there to defend them or protect them. It's impossible. But there are things that you can do to make them ready for that time in there life now. Take them to see family and friends. And let them interact with other children often. As a mother you should be able to keenly watch and just "know" with your MOM SENSE who may not be trustworthy with your kids.

You have to let your kids mature though,under your watchful eyes yes but they do need room to grow. Besides maybe they need a break from you as well.

Answer 4

Worrying is normal, but you have to keep it in check. Someday they are going to need to be given some space to live their lives and be themselves.

I know I still worry about all my kids and my oldest is 17, youngest is 8. I am anal about knowing where they are at all times, having contact numbers, names and addresses of friends, etc. We even check up on them. We also never let them go anywhere unless they are in a group together because there is safety in numbers. The world is horrible and we have to worry. Worry helps us to stay focused on making the safest decisions for our kids.

If you are worried about a sitter run an ad and ask for references. You can also do background checks and set up cameras to record what goes on while you are gone.

Once you find a sitter you can start by only going out for an hour or two. Just to test the waters and get yourself adjusted to being without the kids attached.

It will be hard, but your marriage is important too and you and hubby need that alone time to keep your marital bond strong. Find a sitter and enjoy some time out with him.

And don't worry about the worrying... it's a sign of a great mom!

Answer 5

Well, firstly, I'm wondering why you're not filing for divorce?! Whether you realise it or not, you've just implied that you feat your husband is or would be abusive to your children. You're overly concerned about them, but live with a man you think is dangerous.

If this is not true, then why don't you trust him?

I think you're paranoid. I think you'll turn out to be one of those over bearing, overly mothering, smoothering parents that children never speak to again when they grow up.

I'm not trying to be mean about it, but that is how it seems to me.

It is normal to feel this way at first, you need to feel this way. You are hardwired to feel this way. However, you need to learn to let it go.

How are you ever going to cope when they go to school?

It is normal for people to stop you and say your children are beautiful, its polite. Now the creepy guy was just creepy.

Ease up, learn to let go a bit. I think your husband is perfectly justified in wanting a wife and an adult partner and wanting to do things with her. I'm sure he didn't just marry you to be a full time nanny. In being so devoted to your children, you are neglecting your husband.

Answer 6

You can never be to concerned about your kid's. I don't think it's weird at all that you are so close to your kid's. You should be! You carried your children for 9 month's and they were safe inside of you. Now, they are out in this frightening World and you want to continue to protect them. It's crazy how some parent's let their children play outside by themselve's. Someone can pull up, snatch them, and you would never know until it is to late. People are insane out there. You shouldn't be worried that you are being to concerned. You are doing a great job! My Dad and Mom are the same way. My Dad and Mom hate when men look at my sister's and I. (Pervert's.) So, don't worry! It's totally normal!

Answer 7

do no longer quote me in this, yet i think that if a new child does not attend college for longer than six weeks without scientific certificates then they are taken off the sign in and if/once you like them to return you may desire to reapply and run the possibility of their place having been taken by potential of somebody else. I comprehend why you're fearful approximately swine flu, and specific some human beings have it worse than others, however the overpowering majority get a tender dose and get better straight away. regular flu additionally impacts human beings in distinctive procedures - some get particularly ill and a few do no longer, yet faculties are no longer close. additionally, in maximum places it is the summer holidays, so the faculties are closed for an prolonged time besides. What are you going to do including your babies over the summer? Are you going to maintain them close in the homestead all day? it is virtually the only way of ensuring they do no longer catch something. Or are you going to take them to parks, libraries, museums, etc, and enable them to have a constructive few weeks? optimistically you will take them out, yet each and every time you do there is the possibility they are going to catch something. the possibility is often there, yet you may no longer stay your existence continuously in concern or existence will bypass you by potential of in the previous you be attentive to it.

Answer 8

Think of all the wonderful relationships, point of views, history, and just sharing with someone other than yourself that you're keeping from your children.

You aren't perfect either. Let go.

Answer 9

It's normal to want to protect your children, but I think you're sounding a little bit fanatical about it.

Answer 10

Your concern is not abnormal, but the level of it seems to be bordering on either a serious anxiety issue or a serious control issue.

For example, being wary of the strange man at the Walmart -- normal and healthy. Not trusting your husband to be alone with your kids -- not so much.

Being this uptight about all this is not healthy for you, and it's probably not 100% healthy for your kids or for your marriage.

Consider this: Think about all the times in your life you've been in a store and a woman with a baby has passed by, or a really adorable child has walked by, and you smiled or waved or said something to or about them. Now you know there was nothing menacing in your notice of them, nor in any interaction with them. The overwhelming majority of the population are people like that, who will say "what a pretty little girl!" or "hi, what's your name?", but who mean NOTHING bad by it.

Now yes, you do have to protect your children from the minority who will hurt them, but the level of anxiety you're showing doesn't seem to be in preportion to the actual threat out there. A reasonable reaction is something like what happened at Walmart. Keep your kids with you (in the cart if you can) and try to lose the guy if you really feel he's paying too much attention to your daughter. The thing to keep in mind, though, is what you were doing. Was he "following you" as you shopped for groceries? It could be that while you needed to get salad dressing, he was shopping for hot dog relish. Generally, when I go on a major grocery shopping trip, I see many of the same people as we work our ways through the aisles. That could be normal.

I get nervous when I leave my kids with anyone else (family), especially my in-laws, but I recognise that they are at least going to be safe there. Your mother and your mother-in-law have successfully raised you and your husband, and you both survived entire childhoods with them. Leaving them for a few hours, or even overnight, is not going to warp them for life.

With your husband, you need to get past that, too, more than any other issue you talk about. They're his kids. If he hasn't given you some compelling reason to believe he would be bad for your kids when you aren't around, you need to start training yourself to trust him. Start out by letting him "alone" with him while you're still there. Let him do things his way. Unless there is something he does that is ACTUALLY DANGEROUS, not just a way different than your way, keep quiet and let the kids enjoy daddy-time. Once you're trained in that, ask that he take over while you're easily available if there's a problem, but when you aren't right there. Try to work up to being able to trust him to take care of your kids, even if he doesn't always do it your way. I'm a relatively controlling person (my husband would roll over laughing at the "relatively" part of that question), and it's taken me a long time to deal with the fact that his way is not bad and it is not going to ruin our kids. Yes, they're more likely to have soda with dinner when it's just him around, but it's not going to really hurt them. They aren't just your children, they're his, too, and you have to learn to be a team on this. You are one person, and you cannot be every single place your kids are to protect them from bad people they most likely won't be running into.

Shortly after 9/11, my husband forbade me to spend more than a set period of time watching or reading news, simply because I became obsessed. I'm assuming you're the same way. You read about that little girl kidnapped on vacation, or JonBenet, or Andrea Yates' children, or school shootings, and you begin to think that it's everywhere all the time. It's not. Yes, it's out there, and yes you have to work to prevent your child from being a victim, but you also have to be reasonable about it. Try to think statistically. Many thousands of schools in our country. Maybe thirty or so shootings over a nine year period of time, with the first major one being the Jonesboro shootings in 1998. Of those thirty schools, a VERY small percentage of kids were hit, and an even smaller percentage of kids were killed.

It's a hard fact to face, but you need to realize you will not be able to stop people from being mean to your kids, unless you intend to keep them in the safety of your line of vision all day and all night, always. Your daughter is old enough to be learning how to deal with bullies and hurt feelings on her own, developing her social skills around other kids. In two or three years, you're going to have to put her in school, and that's most of the day. She isn't able to learn how to work with others, or deal with problems, if you keep her away from problems and other people all the time.

With the not wanting her to go outside alone, I think you're right on target. That's a reasonable fear.

Take necessary, reasonable precautions to keep them safe, then try to let most of this stuff go. You can't always be right there to intervene.

Also, try hard to trust a few people with your kids. Holding on so tightly to your kids that you don't have time to care for yourself or maintain a good marriage can lead to all kinds of problems. If your husband, mother or inlaws have never given you reason to suspect abuse or meanness, the level of anxiety you have about leaving your kids in their care temporarily is unfounded.

I think you should look into going to a counselor, or a family counselor, to work on the control and anxiety issues you seem to be having. As your kids grow older, they can pick up on that and it's just not healthy. It keeps them, and you, from being able to live a fulfilling life, because you're so chronically scared of all the "what if's" that you just don't DO anything.