I have custody of my twin boys & he has a son. They are all 5. He does not have custody of his. We absolutely love each other & are best friends, but he's not interested in "being a family." (We have been together for 15 months.) He says it's too hard for him to see his son 4 days a month and mine 26. He's not ready to commit to being a family. His son's mother (they were never married) is super nasty and does everything in her power to make him miserable. They have been split up for 3 years and she left him. She hates me and my boys and tells her son crap about us (not true... never even met her) just contributing to him not wanting to do the family stuff. His son told me the other day he misses me. I left him tonight & told him I couldnt lead 1 life w/him & 1 w/my kids. Do you think he will ever feel differently? Why do I hurt so much now? Anyone ever been through this? I want to be with him, but I can not and will not do so at the expense of my precious boys. :~(
2007-05-20 16:34:17 · 12 answers · asked by vaairguard 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
i don't really have any advice to give to make it better, but from what you say, i really don't see it working out in the long run. cut your losses. the pain will pass. you and your children deserve better. he's the one with the problem, not you.
2007-05-20 16:40:06 · answer #1 · answered by CRYSTAL L21 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I don't have kids but my fiance does have an 8 year old son. We almost had custody of him but his mother went and told him a bunch of crap....
so i'm with you there...
He probably feels guilty because he can't see his son everyday but could yours, he probably is scared to get close to your sons in fear of thinking that will make him or others think he doesn't care about his own anymore...
the best thing you can do is talk to him about all this, explain to him how you truley feel!!! If he don't/can't/or won't except or understand this, well then it's time to move on..
No one should ever put a man before thier children, there are many people that do and thier children go with out a lot or turn to drugs or crime...You shouldn't have a kid or spread your legs if you can't provide for the child in a proper manner!
but you have clearley made it visable that you wouldn't let a man come before your kids which is great, So you can explain this to him, and he either excepts it and you share your family, or it's time to move on to someone who will love you and your children both!!
people need to realize it is a package deal, if they can't handle one then they can't have the other!!
Good luck hunni!
2007-05-20 23:41:56 · answer #2 · answered by likeicare2007 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your boys take precedense. You can see though how he is spooked by the mother of his son and how she has screwed him over. IF you really like him then you have to accept it will take time to figure out what he can do to balance everything together but it isn't only him but his crazy ex. he can't control her and you can't control her but you can still be happy together and are already happy together but you want more than he feels he can give now. You can't hold it against him that he wants to do what's best for his real son and being around your sons constantly might hurt his son because his son can't be with him also. You need to give him support and maybe both of you can figure out something to get him custody of his son or at least more custody of his son like half or most of the time. I am sure that is he can have his son most of the time then he would be more willing to marry you.
2007-05-20 23:41:36 · answer #3 · answered by Don Quesadia 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am in the same situation only reversed. I have my children 4 days out of the month but I am primary care taker of his three. We are married, but haven't been for long. I had issues.
None of which were with me or my parenting skills. All of our issues are with the ex.
I do find it hard and I do get resentful toward his children when mine come for visitation.
I feel like I have paid his children enough attention during the week and on the weekend I was ignoring them with out really being aware of it.
It was brought to my attention but I defended myself tooth and nail to get my point across.
This is the only time I get to spend with MY chiddren, and I told my husband if he could not understand then we just couldn't be together.
I am not sure if I have helped but we are still together, but most of the time I feel like a pill.
I am sure your man feels much of the same way ,like he is having to choose between you and his child.
You will not win, or at least shouldn't.
There is a time and place for everything and are you completely sure this is the true reason why your man doesn't want to comment to you?
Maybe he feels like a bad father when he is around your children doing fun things... just remember being with you soul mate doesn't really require that much effort. sure there will be arguements and disagreements, but there should never be an issue between having to choose between anyone and your children!
2007-05-20 23:56:21 · answer #4 · answered by Kathrine B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have an evil ex, worse than that. I am sure he feels guilty spending time with your kids and not his own. He needs to get over it. If he is going to be with you he needs to grow up, and accept the fact that loving your kids does not diminish the love of his own.
As for things his ex is saying, If his son likes you, then I am sure he knows what his mom says may not be true.
He may feel differently someday, but it may not be until his attitude ruins a few good relationships.
2007-05-20 23:42:46 · answer #5 · answered by Joe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear of your situation. I have never been in that kind of situation before..but I would like you to know I think you made the right choice. I hope in time this guy will come to see what he is losing a great person here just because of his fear of commitment and correct his mistake. You hurt so much because you love him and want to be with him. I hope he sees that and turn around!
Best of Luck!
2007-05-20 23:41:38 · answer #6 · answered by BabyPrincess REAL JAMAICAN QUEEN 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend is seriously hurt, wounded in the heart by his failed attempt at fatherhood.
Give him a little time...maybe another 6 months, to see if he comes across a little more. If not, then you have to ask yourself: are the two of you headed in different directions, looking for different things in life?
The one thing a couple must share is commonality of purpose, commonality of direction. They may have little else in common....they may not even like the same things....but if they share a purpose and a direction, they have a strong bond. It sounds like he may be in a different direction than you, but he is so hurt, so wounded, it is difficult to tell if he is just reacting out of his pain. So give him some time.
2007-05-28 14:48:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is hard on you and you boys cause you all c him being close to his son and not yours. if x is so nasty he may be thinking how hard it would be to get close to yours only to loose them as well.my x thought he was being disloyal to his kids if he was 2 close to mine.only he knows if he could feel diff in the future but chin up you did the right thing and might have just given him the wake up call he deserves. i wish i could give you a big hug right now but if you need to chat im me k
2007-05-28 22:41:48 · answer #8 · answered by jo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is wrong u needed 2 get raid of him and dump him and get with someone esle that does want 2 be with u and ur boys
2007-05-20 23:38:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It had to be done.
Family comes first, with or without him.
2007-05-20 23:51:37 · answer #10 · answered by elliebear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋