Choice of living in a retirement village when ageing.?

Question

I am a very active female, married and still working. My question relates to older people (other than me but also for me when I am much older). When my father died my mother went into a retirement resort mainly because my sisters thought it best for her to get settled somewhere before she reached to urgent stage (e.g. health deteriorated). As a trained nurse I was trained to think differently - there are all the resources in the community that one needs to stay in you rown home as long as possible and this should be encouraged. As it was my mother's memory went very quickly from the shock of being on her own in a unit, out of her usual environment (so she lost confidence in driving the car and lost her independence, familiar faces and activities). (She was 87yrs and lived a VERY active life previously, including playing golf twice a week, did the family business wages, met with friends etc. ). She went from bad to worse. What is your opinion?

Answer 1

My grandmother died at the age of 85 and she refused to die in a retirement center. She died where she raised 6 kids, and had a husband for 50 years of her marriage. She may have not remembered as much in her later years due to dymencia, but she belonged in her own house with her family. I think a retirement home is when you dump it on someone else's porch. I would never do that to my mother, or myself.

Answer 2

I'm in my 20s and if I make it to retirement and even old age, I most certainly expect to be living in a retirement community. Since I won't be having children, I'll be saving up plenty of money, so I'm not stuck in a hole. It would cool to hang out with a bunch of old geezers when I'm old!

I think it's different than when someone is expecting something different. Like your mother and my parents and many generations expect and some even had children simply so they'd be around to take care of them when they're old! When you're expecting to be taken care of but then you're put into a home, it's probably very frightening and maybe even painful.

Our society doesn't allow for people to take care of their parents like it used to. It's not that people are selfish and lack respect. Traditionally, women were trapped in the home with the kids and the grandparents and a single income was okay, these days? Most certainly not possible for most of us and even fewer want it. As the older generations die off, I think that sort of shock of being in a retirement/nursing home to die off with it.

Answer 3

I think you already know the answer to your question. I think you knew it before you placed your mom in the "retirement resort". I think you were out-voted and I am sorry for that. Please do not be bitter toward your sisters; they didn't know any better. You knew because of your experience as a nurse and they didn't have that education to help them make an informed decision.

There is nothing you can do about it now. I am afraid that if you were to bring her back home at this point, she would regress even further. I think you know what the best choice for her is and I think you should voice your opposition a little louder and put your foot down this time.

Have you asked your mom how she feels about the options?

Answer 4

My mother went into one at a much earlier stage. She is fit and healthy. She immerses herself in the activities and enjoys her life. She's 68, by the way. There will be no shock for her if she becomes ill. She does have a heart condition, so this is probably would made her realise she would need care. She loves her life.
My parents-in-law decided to go into a retirement village. At the last moment, though, my father in law would pull out, saying he couldn't face it. It was a nightmare, especially when my formerly fit mother-in-law fell ill with cancer and in effect, left him after 65 years of marriage to move into the retirement vilage on her own, as she needed surgery and treatment. My fil refused to go, saying he would cut his throat rather than move. My father-in-law starved to death, in his own home. He was stubborn and refused help. My poor mil had to live with the guilt - no wonder she died less than a year after he did.
Her life was made a misery because she was struggling to maintain her high standards of cleanliness, while my fil sat on his bum. She waited on him hand and foot. He had a heart condition.
So if you had to ask my mil and my mother, both would say the same thing. Move in, long before you have to. My fil would say "no".

Answer 5

OK one of the evil statistics out there is that roughly half of the elderly that are put in homes are dead within 6 months of being put there for various reasons. The most prominant seems to be the lack of a will to live.

Multiple studies have shown that if a person is involved in their community, if they are leading an active life, they will live many times longer than someone in a insular community. I would get your mother out of a 'retirement community' (and never allow yourself to be put in one) never surrender your home.

I would make her/you a part of your/your childrens daily life and routine, a member of the core family. I would give her/you a reason to live & remember beyond "tuesday is community bingo and six months from now Tommy will send me a card...."

I can tell you that the elders in my family that were cared for by family in the family home, lived more than a decade longer than those that were not.

Answer 6

Western society has little if any respect for their eldest. In many other cultures the advancment of age is highly respected...and these cultures dont COPOUT when it comes to caring for their elders. Not so in the western quick fix, me before you mental ideology of modern America!! Like you said...people are trained to think the way they do...do it long enuff...and the brainwash becomes unquestionable as well as inconvenient. And being 'inconvenient' could pose a 'national security risk' in the minds of the public! 8o)

Answer 7

suggestion: the retirement house shoild be near a scenic
gulf course