My friend has bulimia, how can I help her?

Question

I need some advice on what to say to her (she is 24). I am afraid of saying something wrong and make it worse. She is getting professional help and seems genuinly motivated to get better. Should I tell her I think she is beautiful and not overweight, or will that make her focuse more on her appearance?

Answer 1

I was in a similar situation when I was in highschool, a close friend of mine came out and admitted she had anorexia and bulimia and had suffered for 4 years. The best personal advice I can give you, is to be genuine.

If you think that it will help her to know that to you she is beautiful then tell her that. But also let her know that you realize she may not think it but those are your opinions. Also I found and my friend later admitted to me the best thing I could do was lend a listening ear and shoulder to lean on. Although I disagreed with what my friend was doing I knew that until she wanted help there wasn't much I could do for her. Leading up to her actually getting therapy I just told her that she could talk to me about anything and really honestly meant it. She opened up to me about stuff that she couldn't talk to other people about (like why she did it, what was out of control, how she did it, why she liked doing it, etc). She told me later that she really appreciated having someone non judgemental to talk to and atleast get certain thoughts off her chest. Eventually she came around and got the help that she needed.

I'm sure even if you say something that comes out wrong etc your friend will realize the good intentions and that you are sticking it out with her. She needs support more than anything and you're already taking the biggest step by being there for her.

Answer 2

I would try not to make too large of a deal of telling her you think she looks beautiful: I had bulimia, and it's strange how you can know completely that you are not overweight at the same time that you think you are too fat. Be supportive, but don't make her feel like you are treating her any differently than a normal person. When you do this, you can alienate that person as a friend. Treat your friend how you have always treated her, more or less. Don't worry about telling her that you think she is beautiful and not fat if it isn't something that might pop up in natural conversation, but don't go overzealously seeking for opportunities to tell her that. One problem that occurs (as it definitely did with me) is when someone starts treating a person with that or other mental disorders or problems is a sense of feeling as if you are the problem; when people who knew you start treating you differently after they find out about your problem (s), it starts to feel more and more like the problem is one that is part of you and that can never be gone. You think subconciously that because people have to adjust themselves to your problem, that it must mean that the problem is more permanent. Be careful with my advice, though (as with anyone's) as I am not fully aware of the whole circumstance and cannot totally judge what is best for your friend.

As to NightStalker's comments: when people 'ADDAPT' to a disease, it can create alienation problems, although there is definitely some good advice in his/her comment. When NightStalker so that people with bulimia are selfish, lying, vain, and self-centered people: that is a gross overgeneralization. You should be careful with such overgeneralizations, as they probably do not apply in all circumstances. I only mention this because I think the wording is off, not the idea: Be a friend and do what you can, but don't make her the center of everything.

Answer 3

Comments on her appearance aren't going to make her better. She has her own tapes playing in her head about herself. Telling her and believing in her recovery is the best friend you can be. Tell her you can see her free of the grips of bulimia. Tell her you know she can be free of this and encourage her to keep doing the right thing by getting help. Tell her you are available if she has a set back and can listen to her with out judgement. I think that would be the most helpful.
I was bulimic from the age of 12 to 26. If I would have had a friend that did those things for me it would have been a big help. Someone to celebrate my sucesses and be compassionate when I had struggles. The biggest thing with bulimia is secrecy. You are so ashamed of what you do, you don't want to tell anyone. If there was someone to share it with it makes it easier.

Answer 4

OK, let's set things right...

Bulimia is a mental disease. It's not something you think you have etc, it is a disease... So first and above all, your frind will certainly need medical attention.

What can you do? Nothing, unless you are a specialist in which case (since it would be unethical to treat her yourself) you could refer her to another specialist you know.

Now, as a friend, how do you react to mental disease?
You act as you feel. Exactly how you feel. When you're scared, you let her know you're scared, when you're angry (in a nice manner) you let her know she's hurting you. You treat her as you would treat her if she didn't have the disease. You DO NOT ignore the problem, as this problem is a part of your friend and she needs your support. At the same time she needs to understand that you are a person yourself, you have feelings and you have needs, so she is not (bulimia or not) the center of the universe. Treat her as a friend, that should do it dear.

I understand you worry, that only means you care. She's lucky to have ppl who care. But again, none of you (either you or her) should ADDAPT to the disease; you both need to fight back. Help her understand that.

Remember that ppl with bulimia tend to lie and be extreamly selfish and self-centered. Keep in mind that it is her disease, not her that does it. You may find comfort in someone else to find the strength to help her. But you also need to come to terms with the fact that as much as you care for her, there is only so much you can do.

Answer 5

You could always just start with, "What can I do to help?" This allows her to voice what she needs from you right now.

Be sure to congratulate her on seeking professional help, because deciding to get help with her disorder is a MAJOR step towards her recovery.

Try not to talk about appearance (yours, hers, or anybody's) around her. Set a positive example by praising her or other people for WHO they are, not what they look like. If she attempts to ask you if you think she's gained weight from treatment, tell her that you absolutely REFUSE to discuss that with her.

Pep talks are always great! Remind her of how strong and brave she is, and that she CAN recover. Be her cheerleader! She'll need one, since often eating disorders can be long battles with many ups and downs.

Answer 6

ive had small strugles with eating disorders and body image so i can say that i dont want my friends to try to tell me im beautiful and not fat. because its what she thinks that is making her do this. you need to let her know that your there. dont push her about anything or try to get answers out of her. just let her know that your there for her when hse needs you. because she wont be satified until she loves herself. i doubt it matters what you say becuase your her friend and you would think she is beautiful either way. her getting help is a good sign so now all you can do is be a supportive friend.

Answer 7

Just be her friend and don't bring it up, since she is getting professional help. Bulimia is a mental disease best left tot the pro's (and most times they really can't help that much)

Answer 8

I guess I wouldn't treat her any differently. Just be there for her and listen when she needs to talk. She is luck to have a friend like you. I think you're already a big help just by being supportive and sticking by her side.

Answer 9

support her. its great she is getting help, that is a huge step, just be there for her, and be sincere. and if you think she is beautiful tell her, use your best judgement on what you know about her already, as in how shes reacted to certain issues. maybe you could send her a card, email or postal. "if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here for you" idk something...or even that your thinking of her, and maybe tell her you're proud of her for getting help(if u are), i wish you the best of luck with that!

Answer 10

Don't talk about her body unless she does, just be there for her, try to have a laugh and some fun. She has a therapist, let them do that.
You are a good friend!