I'm anti-social, but I want a relationship.?

Question

I'm extremely conservative about socializing with people. I rarely start conversations, and when I do, it's because it's practically necessary. When people try to talk to me, often I answer them with very brief responses and get the conversation over with, or may straight up ignore them. There are a few people that I can talk to regularly, but either because I've known them from early childhood, or because they were that much more persistant about talking to me and somehow evasive of my judgemental "who is this idiot speaking to me?" attitude.

I'm 18, and after a few relationships I've become indignant to a lot of things about more extroverted individuals. I miss the feeling there was to loving someone and being loved, and I can't shake the idea of that one fictitious girl as a life-long intimate partner. But I'm not looking forward to the stress of always aiming to please, or much else of the experiences I've been in before. I've been selective about who I talk to as it is, but who

I'll consider seeing now? I can't find her. She's intelligent. She voices her thoughts, is emotionally stable (so much to this), is appreciative even when not showered with gifts, able to hold on to money, extremely patient and open-minded, but not the social type. The description goes on and on. So basically I've created this image of the perfect partner that I'm beginning to think no girl will ever live up to, and yet I refuse to aim lower.

And I give little reason to ever start up a conversation with me aside from the fact that there's a pretty good chance I can help with a school assignment. Girls have often mentioned that I was an intriguing guy with a “dark air” about me or that they liked the way I dressed (leather jacket and jeans, I'm not sure how that makes me stand out) and that they'd like to get to know me. But aside from this apparently deceptive appearance of mine and my academic utility, I just offer silence. But toward my friends, I'm an entirely different person.

I'm fiercely loyal to them, and they love the company, humor, ideas, support, and comfort I offer. But who's to ever know that having not spoken to me?

But really, I expect an introvert (as if they weren't rare enough), of all types of people, to bypass this thick “don't talk to me” wall I have going on, end up liking me, and be practically perfect in my eyes. Is that not crazy? I'm sure if life were like books and Hollywood, I'd be all set... but it's not. How can I ever expect to find this currently invisible girl? Is she a reasonable idea? I suppose I could just use someone else's insight or point of view.

Answer 1

Your description of yourself reminds me of my younger self. I, too, shunned social contact. I grew resentful of anyone who appeared social and happy. I dismissed them all as stupid and shallow, and obviously fake. My attitude was poisonous and obvious -- anyone who dared to talk to me was usually shot down with a hateful and intellectual putdown or insult.

My perception was skewed. I shunned people, yet craved their company. I dismissed shallow relationships, without realizing that there was a place for every kind of relationship in life. I thought the world was against me -- in reality, I had rejected the world before it had a chance to reject me.

I'm not saying this is what you are like. I'm just explaining some personal experience. I needed to stop dismissing everyone before I got a chance to even know who they were. Give people a chance! Don't assume that everyone sucks (even though there are a lot of shitty people in the world) I know that all that small-talk seems stupid and unnecesary, but it all has its place. It's the small talk that leads to the deep talk that really matters. And sometimes that girl you thought was a stupid cheerleader ends up being the coolest chick you've ever met.

If you're in high school, try joining some group that interests you, no matter how stupid it seems. Maybe even try online dating! You NEVER know who you're going to meet. Go to local shows of music that you enjoy, and instead of chilling in the back looking cool and mysterious, get out there and dance, talk to people.

What's the worst thing that can happen? You meet someone who's kinda boring, or rejects you, or is mean, and you move on to the next girl that catches your eye. I cannot say enough about the importance of putting yourself out there, no matter how embarassing it might seem. Just take a chance. Trust in god or whatever you believe in that there's a few cool chicks out there.

Also, stop thinking about relationships as just some situation where you're trying to please someone else. If you're constantly thinking only about the other person, you're GUARANTEEING that you will end up feeling unwanted, resentful, and unnapreciated. Guaranteed.

However, if you find the right girl, or at least someone cool, you can strike a balance between giving and taking. If someone is demanding things all the time from you, they're NOT the girl for you. Relationships are about balance, you want to find someone that you actually ENJOY taking care of, but will also take care of you.

Anyway, I have no idea why I just had that long ramble. I hope you find something coherent in there somewhere. Good luck!!!

Answer 2

I have to admit that what you want is a bit rare..:) Firstly, if you really want to-I believe that you will find it and don't worry so much about the when and where, maybe one day with one girl you will feel ready to open up a little bit more! Other than that my opinion, if I got the right idea about you, is that you should think about you having an extrovert girlfriend, all introverts usually find more attractive more energetic-socially- people. Personally I think that some of these walls that you put all around you will fall as time goes by..well,some of them! Anyway I wish you good luck! And remember that good guys never loose and their social attitude doesn't always matter :)

Answer 3

I know how you feel. A couple years ago I had a severe anti-social issue and it's too easy just not to speak your mind when you feel insecure or whatever it might be. You have to learn to relax and push your self at the same time to get to know people before your life passes you by. Think about it, that time you spend with people, thumbling through your head debating what to say, may be the last chance to get to know and learn new things from them. Eventually you will regret by the time you're 20-so your going to wish you talked to that quiet girl at the other side of the room, life is to short. No offense but for someone who isn't bursting social energy you are setting the bar just a bit too high. But a few a good places to find a girl of your' stature would be coffee shops, book stores, places like eharmony, or other dating sites. I believe there's someone special for everyone. Patience is not easy when it comes to affection, but trust me if you wait long enough I know that special girl will fall into your life. I hope I could help and Good luck with the dream girl.

Answer 4

The relationship you're wanting will REQUIRE that you give but it sounds as if you don't really want to have to do this.
You say your attitude is "who is this idiot who's talking to me" which sounds pretty prejudgemental to me. How can you know someone isn't an idiot without talking to them first?

Pretty much it seems as if you have built up the walls around yourself and will not give anyone a chance. FEW peope are what they seem so how will you ever find that woman if you don't allow yourself to be open to talk to her.
No one wants to be rejected so how many women do you think will even try to approach you if there is the ten foot wall?

Finally, the woman you have described is near perfect so I doubt you will find her exactly, everyone has blemishes. As do you, if you're honest with yourself.

But there are some wonderful women out there. You have to look in the right places for them, but they are there. BUT you have to be the type of person they want to be with too, you know?

Answer 5

Dude, I see where you are coming from But They people you meet and hang around and date shapes the person you are going to be. If you are waiting to meet Mrs. Right, by the time you meet her you won't be ready for her. She will have so much more life experience. You are going to have to shed some of your shell and get out there. You don't have to start a conversation but don't shut it down. If you don't give people a chance, then don't expect much from them, you know.

Answer 6

I actually can relate, I'm quite anti-social myself. I was in a similiar situation until my now husband found me on Match.com :) Lots of really shy people go on there, turned out he was pretty anti-social too which was a lot of why we hit it off. So, if you are willing to be open-minded enough to search in places other than the obvious grocery store or library, you will find her, there are a lot of fish in that sea. Good luck!

Answer 7

i understand where you're coming from. i'm like that too. 1) don't set your standards so high 2) maybe it's not meant for you to find that special person during a social outing. maybe she'll work right across from you at your job or maybe she'll be the one to approach you later in life. just don't blow it when she approaches you :-)

to the first answerer, typing out things is very different than talking face to face w/ someone (which he already expressed he isn't good at).

Answer 8

Honestly, I am the same way...I wouldn't say I am completely anti-social but I do shy from people sometimes. You are at a point where you are ready to change it (somewhat) so my advice to you is to just need to jump into it head first and pray that everything works out.

Answer 9

You know, it pretty much seems like you need to lighten up. Don't think that I'm tryin' to insult you, 'cause I'm not. I don't play well with others either at times. Basically, stop looking for ''Mrs. Right" and she will find you just thru new people that you meet.

Answer 10

first step is to learn how to smile and be cool. Empty your mind. Dont worry. Go to the mall. Wear a loose shirt.. be yourself... but take out all those nasty attitudes behind you. Say hello to everyone you meet. Feel good to know that you live on Earth.