My husband tends to think that i am trying to be controlling and I am insecure when i ask him not to go to the casino so he could spend time with me. My husband works a lot of hours and days out of the week his days off are sunday and sometimes monday. When he gets home at night i have dinner ready so he eats and then 20 minutes later he is asleep. We don't have time to communicate or spend time with our children together. So when he has a little spare time is it wrong of me to ask him to stay home with us and spend time with us. He says I don't want him to do anything but go to work and come home. I figure that if I don't go out and if i do i do not stay out till after 2 am he should not either that to me is not marriage appropriate. Am i wrong for my concerns? Is this not inappropriate? I am at my ends with it We have been married for just over a year now i am confused what's the issue with him not wanting to spend time with us or is that it? Help please serious responses only.
2007-05-18 16:13:57 · 8 answers · asked by sec-c-1 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Went throught that same thing. Mine was over at his friends every single night after our first child was born. And yes, he resented me complaining about it, claimed i just wanted him to work and come sit and home etc. Men. geez. Looking back, i realize that all the "communicating" did no real good. I even did a thing where I told him "ok, You need free time, I need free time, lets just make it fair and even so we both get some fun" His response was "why does everything have to be even"?? Ya. HE IS THE CONTROLLING, INSECURE ONE. NOT YOU. If he wont listen and try to spend time with his family, then you dont need him. Everyone needs free/alone time and couples need couple time and families need family time. IF he cant do that then give him all the alone time he wants. permanently.
2007-05-19 04:00:56 · answer #1 · answered by undone 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing unreasonable in wanting to have a relationship. Nothing at all.
What you describe is not a relationship. Here is what you're saying - or at least what I'm hearing. When you ask your husband to spend time with you, he doesn't say, "I really would rather go to the casino - it's how I unwind." That would be a reasonable and honest response, wouldn't it? No, rather he says that you are trying to be controlling. In so doing, he is making you the bad guy. Well, you're not the bad guy.
Now maybe he isn't the bad guy either here. But he certainly isn't being honest.
The second thing I'm reading is that it is all about him. He's the one working. Have dinner ready. When he isn't working, it's his time to do what he likes. No offense, but that sounds more like a master/slave relationship than an equal partner relationship.
My guess, and this is strictly a guess, is that he believes that since he's the one working, he's entitled to do anything he damn well pleases. Sadly, the majority of men are like that. Thankfully - for me - I'm not one of them. But I've known many who were.
You aren't going to get him to change. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you except to decide for yourself if you can live this way, because this is the way it will be. Sadly, it will probably only get worse.
Like I said, the majority of men out there believe they are entitled. The majority do not see a woman who has to keep a house and raise children as contributors. Well, keeping a house and raising children is very hard work. I know because I did that in a reverse role marriage.
You could try counseling but I doubt he'd be willing to go. He'll probably tell you that it's all your problem and he's just being a guy.
Sorry - I wish I had something more positive to tell you. Unfortunately, people who only care about themselves, just that - only care about themselves.
Just remember that life is terribly short.
Good luck,
Patrick
2007-05-18 16:35:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This happened at the beginning of my marriage also. My husband worked twelve hours a day with only Sundays off and he wanted to spend Saturday nights out with his friends and sleep all day Sunday. I learned a tough lesson that first couple years. Listen up! The tighter you hold him the more he will wiggle free! Got it. It was hard but I learned to live my own life and include him when he wanted to be. I would say the kids and I are going to the races Sunday if you would like to go. Most times he would stay home sat. night and get some sleep so he could go with us. Or I would say I have a babysitter this weekend would you like to do something together. That worked too although we mostly ended up with his buddies. The point is he isn't just going to want to stay home if all you want to do is catch up on house work watch TV or play board games with the kids. He worked all week and wants a relaxing bit of fun. It doesn't mean he loves you or the kids less he just hasn't figured out how to divide his time equally among you, work, and himself.
2007-05-19 01:05:32 · answer #3 · answered by Trisha 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guys need to have outlets, some are better than others, but it is what it is. Either way he does need some space. Try and talk with him about it by mentioning the fact that you respect he needs time to himself, but you want to spend time with him as well. Remind him that you work hard all week too, keeping his home in order. Get a sitter and go with him now and then, seeing as you may need a break as well. Doing that may open him up to discussing a compromise
2007-05-18 16:25:00 · answer #4 · answered by cockyUSMC 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your intentions are good but tactic wrong.
Yes, he must not become a gambler. But your tactic is for him to give up the casino for you. I have said many times here that for a tired working man, being forced to choose the wife over something he wants to do is a resentment at best. But a tired man still loves his kids. You could tell him the beautiful stories about the kids so he wants to be with them --- not with you. That is one good step and activities that you can be included.
If you are looking for no casino so he'll lie around with you, tough one.
2007-05-18 16:25:15 · answer #5 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to find a happy medium,your right he needs to spend time with you and the kids, but he also needs time for himself and both of you should come together somewhere in the middle.if you force him to stop doing what he likes all together them eventually he will come to resent you for it but if he not willing to compromise then sooner or later your going to be the one that's resentful.there is no easy answer here couples have been having this problem since the invention of marriage good luck on working it out.
2007-05-18 19:15:22 · answer #6 · answered by windwalker 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You husband should understand that you have to have time together to have a healthy relationship. It is selfish of him to think that you are being controlling for wanting him to spend some quality time with you and your children.
2007-05-18 16:18:24 · answer #7 · answered by Lisa H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time for the two of you to get away, just the two of you,for a weekend. The casinos, perhaps??
2007-05-18 16:30:53 · answer #8 · answered by TedEx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋