Leaving husband after 2 kids for a women why do I feel guilty when I see him?

Question

Im in the process of leaving my husband for a women. He knows about her and has moved out. Financially its hard but I am truly happy, my only problem now is when I see him Im feeling emotions and im not sure what to do with them. Im not physically attracted to him, I just cant help but think what could have been?? My girlfriend thinks that we (me & her) should take a break until I figure it all out. My family & friends are VERY supportive of my relationship with her, I worry about my girls not having their father around. He took care of them during the days while I worked, and I watched them and night while he worked. We obviously lost communication with each other and both cheated. I meet this great women and now Im torn? Anyone out there ever have a problem like this?
Thanks

Answer 1

I think it is very natural to have a lot of emotions when you break off a marriage or partnership whether you are gay or straight. It is a process of emotions. Obviously there was something about this man you loved, or thought you loved, that led to two beautiful children. You have a history but naturally due to many factors found yourself looking elsewhere for comfort and companionship...and in the process are beginning a new relationship.

I think honesty with the woman you care about is critical. If you have things you need to process with your ex you should. Honesty on all levels is the key. You cannot worry about the expectations of the woman you are with now, and you certainly cannot feel obligated to move on, when you have emotions you are still processing. You say you are not "physically attracted" to your ex, but you refer to him as your "husband" so I assume the attraction is emotional. I am sure the woman/girlfriend is extraordinarily threatened by him, even though it is an imaginary threat. Your common denominator is the children AND it always will be.. 50% of your gene pool and 50% of his run through those children and they want and deserve both of you..

I am a lesbian and I have seen many lesbian couples break up who have had children together and their new partners are jealous of the Ex and it is very unfortunate. The ones that get hurt are the children, and just because you are not with the ex anymore it does not mean you should not care about their well being and happiness, and their interaction with the children.

So I think part of being torn IMO is the children. You do owe it to yourself, your new partner and your ex to get clear with your emotions so that the transition is a bit smoother for you quite frankly. I definitely think a non-biased therapist who is gay friendly could assist you. It is your journey and although everyone may be telling you what to do and how to act there are obviously a few factors that need to be worked out. You must make sure that your children see their father and that relationship is nourised. And that you have NO doubts as you move forward into this new relationship and that everything is dealt with honestly.

Answer 2

Debbie has a great answer. I'll try to add another cent to the mix though. Thinking through your emotions might help too. For example, when you start to think about what could have been think realistically. You two had grown apart and were already sleeping with other people. Is that really the future you want for your daughters? "Sorry girls, but mommy has a date with someone other than daddy tonight. Your babysitter should be here in a few minutes. Oh, and don't tell daddy about her and don't tell him that I already know about Anne." Is that really the environment you want for your kids? I hope not. Just an idea...

Answer 3

What happened in the past already happened and you can't go back and change that but you need to make sure that you sit your girls down and explain to them what is going on. Be honest and tell them that the divorce was in no way there fault. I would also do some research or even talk to your daughter's pediatricians so that you can get a referral to a counselor or child therapist to help you explain to the girls your new relationship with this woman since they will be asking you alot of questions understandibly. As for your husband you both did wrong. If it will help clear your conscience, talk to him and apologize to him even if he doesn't apologize to you. Tell him that you want to be on good terms with him for the sake of the children and always make sure that your girls can see their father at all times. This is going to be a very difficult time for your entire family as well as a hard transition but in being happy with yourself your whole family will be happy too and if you need to, go and see a therapist yourself to get everything off your chest, it might help alot. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You won't believe this, but *I* feel better by telling you this. The guild is become more to the point where it will consume you and it will not only ultimately destroy your relationship with your current partner (who is smart enough to distance herself already! "taking a break" is the chicken **** way of breaking up with you!) but it will also affect any future relationship for decades to come. You will find yourself going thru relationships at a faster and faster pace until you end up being the lonely person. As long as you ask yourself if the relationship with your husband is salvageable, you will not be able to have a fulfilling relationship ... and only you know what you need to do to answer that question for yourself.

Answer 5

You feel guilty because? did you cheat on him with her? Or did you do the honorable thing and let him know you were going to divorce him before you consummated your new relationship?

If you cheated then that's an easy answer, your an oath breaker. That's where the feeling comes from.

If you did the honorable thing and told him you were divorcing him before anything happened between you and your new love, then it's the feeling of guilt for causing someone you hold dear to your heart extreme pain, I understand you have to be true to yourself, but in these kinds of situations someone will always be crushed.

Good luck.

Answer 6

then do everything in your power to make sure he has plenty of time with his kids. Sounds like your girlfriend is right that you two should take a break. She sounds very understanding. If you're confused, being around one or the other might sway your ultimate decision, and it might not be the right decision either way unless you come to it on your own, on your own. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine why ANYONE who is blessed enough to have a husband AND kids would be so foolish as to just throw it all away - and for another WOMAN, to boot!!!

I'm 51 now, and my EX-husband was a selfish rat-bastard who wasted away all my child-bearing years before he abandoned me to go out slumming. Now, I am alone with no one except gay men to hang with - and I'd give ANYTHING to have that family unit you are so willing to give up!!!!

You MUST have had SOME sort of an "attraction" to your husband at one time. After all, you DID bear two children with him! You say you "lost communication" with your husband....maybe it is time for you to reconnect. Count your blessings, girl. You just don't KNOW how lucky you are!!!!!!

Answer 8

Everybody goes through the guilt thing at some time or another, thinking, is there anything I could have done to change things? The answer is, no.

I take it the girls can still see their dad? If so, everything you can do has been done.

Only time will heal this.

Answer 9

almost same on my end after 6 year,s of marriage found out about her lover walked in cues i came home for work early worked 3 shift i know right at that moment i wanted to kill her and her girlfriend because i had all way,s been faithfully to her insted ended up just turning around and leaving the house what can you say i am thankfully we never had children she wreck a large part of my life and my heart with her deceit and lie,s i hope you are happy with her and your children in my case my ex wife know,s

Answer 10

i cant give you a 100% great answer cause im only 13 but, my veiw on your feelings is that you might be feeling sad because you had 2 kids with him and despite the fact you arent phisically attrackted to him you may be attrackted to his personallity possibly. also you may feel bad because as you mentiond your daughters wont have a father around, i have heard a few girls that have been raised by two mothers and they are perfectly fine with just their moms..... you also may feel guilty because you feel like you are deserting him and that he may be sad because he cannot see his children grow up. i think you just need to make plans maby for your kids to visit him now and then and you need to eat chocolate it always helps. well i hope i helped a bi tgood bye