Okay I randomly wrote this [please if its bad be nice!] What do you think of it? I have major writers block right now so suggestions would help to. Critisim is always loved! here it is. [yes its horrid lol. i was bored!]
My dreams are consumed
With images of you
Please don’t fade away
Please don’t walk away
Asphyxiate me
Take my breath away
I’m your star to keep
My heart beats for you
2007-05-18 12:22:13 · 15 answers · asked by rawrxstephinator 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
yes i know i spelt help wrong. lol.
2007-05-18 12:22:31 · update #1
haha it was my friends idea to you asphyxiate. thanks for the positive feedback!
2007-05-18 12:59:53 · update #2
i like it though, it's very creative, I've done similar things, but this really shocked me, congrats.
PS: being bored is good to make poems or songs.
2007-05-18 12:27:21 · answer #1 · answered by brit_avyltth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Asphyxiate me and Take my breath away mean about the same thing, so I would change one of those lines.
I'm your star to keep - sounds too arrogant because you are coming off as wanting early in the poem and then suddenly you take a sharp turn by saying you are a star. Yes, yes, I know all about cosmic stars - it just doesn't fit here.
My heart beats for you. Eh. Your heart has to beat to be alive, so that is not saying much about your feelings for him.
Think of some of the great poetic love lines like: "I''ll be dying slow 'til our next hello."
It needs work, but try again or begin anew. Poetry is an excellent outlet.
2007-05-18 12:30:11 · answer #2 · answered by ocean 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't like the word, asphyxiate.
I think it stops the flow of the rest of your words.
Smother might work better because the images are fading away.
Asphyxiate seems like a faster method to take your breath away, smother is a slower process.
I don't think you have writer's block. Keep working on this. If you still "feel" blocked. Try working on something new. But, so far, so good as far as I'm concerned.
2007-05-18 12:29:29 · answer #3 · answered by Beach Saint 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
6/10
2007-05-18 12:26:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it because it gives meaning and its creative. i could never think of something like that but you can make it longer and change the word asphyxiate. im sure that when its done its going to be a great song!!! :-)
2007-05-18 12:37:44 · answer #5 · answered by kitty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its pretty good.
You could work on the ending, its a bit abrupt, if you get what I mean.
You dont have any writers block.Haha.
Its a pretty good poem/lyric.
2007-05-18 12:26:24 · answer #6 · answered by *help* 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Better than I could write.
It flows well, and tells a reasonable story.
If you are describing someone, they are lucky to have you love them THAT MUCH.
2007-05-18 12:25:38 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's horrid. It's a little cliche and it isn't wonderful but I think you should keep writing.
2007-05-18 12:25:26 · answer #8 · answered by McLovin 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
with a good tune, anything's possible
jk, its cool. whats your chorus?
2007-05-18 12:25:23 · answer #9 · answered by Diamante 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
like it
2007-05-18 12:24:30 · answer #10 · answered by × 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋