How do you forgive and forget... when it comes to family?

Question

ive been hurt many of times from my dad and well its mainly because of the brain tumor that he had durning the times i was 14 all the way up to the time he had it removed (with some of his brain) at least that what doctors say but how can i know the truth i cant even know now because he cant remember and well even that could be a lie i am not the crazy one because i can remember it and he cant but how can i even talk to him if were not on the same track and i wonder if he can even find remorse if he could remember so my question is how can i forgive and forget and bring closure to something that one of us cant even remember

ok my dad did NOT say anything to me it was what he did that hurts the most i have been to doctors about this and well it was about as useful as it was to pay them only if i can forgive only i can choose to forget everything coming down to me my choice but if i was to fall and seriously scratch myself my body would heal but the scar still remains i could get it soften or lasered off but the scar still remains maybe i should post pictures of my scars maybe then it would be a little more complicated how hurtful it is when he see them and then me having to lie with all my might trying not break down infront of him because he never askes about it once because he forget hed even asked me before having to go through 100 times more torment then the actual time it had happened i forgot to mention it wasnt just a brain tumor... he has some kind of mental problem but since he cant remember what he was dianoised with and i not being educated in it i can say is when he gets angry he has no control

he is different now id say a better person maybe becasue of realizing how close he was to death and even now closer because of how the tumor was growing and knowing its going to grow back that could only be my reasoning for it however id like to think different about it i only feel it is better to not lie to myself should i forgive i would have to say i have a little bit but not entirely but sadly i dont want to be here for the rerun

i cant ask my family to sit beside me because they really werent there in the first place since i wasnt the favorite child they barely knew very much about me but i can say they may remember the outcome i remember showing my mom she looking a little bit scared me wanting to show someone at school and have him put someplace for it but she convinced me to hide it saying shed never make it by her self and that if i did shed hate me forever and never consider me her kin again as i think about it now i find it would of be sad to think of him dying in some jail cell and even thinking how he would be confused of why he was there but its a interesting what if ethier way it would of been hell for me so whatever choice id taken i would of been screwed seeing how i didnt tell anyone i guess i made the best choice

i forgot to mention i am 21 now from what doctors say he has had it since before i born and i say the true effects seemed to have happen about the time i was 14 because of the sudden interest of boys lol everything else before it was seen more like he was just a mean person then the only thing i say about it is that i wasnt afraid of my dad at anytime and did think of fighting back but couldnt bring myself to it out of fear of a serious accident happening and since south carolina doesnt have any laws about defending ones self i could of been conficted of some real crimes and this has been over for some time i only bring it up because i have been going through things in my life that i believe i should forgive so i can feel good about having kids i want to have them without any regrets and it would be kind of second chance a small way in fixing things with my own child hood knowing that it is possiable to have a good family even if i have to make one of my own to do so

Answer 1

It isn't about them at all, is it? It never has been. Nothing will ever change - until you do.

Answer 2

This really reeks of a sexual nature, I maybe wrong though. Let me tell you this girl, If thats what it was, NEVER blame yourself. If you were young at the time, it's really depressing but happens more often than you think, just ask on here if you don't believe me. All I can say is, if he doesn't remember, maybe thats a good thing, What are you looking for from him? An apology? Won't help you a bit, the issue is still there and unresolved. The attention or his affection? Once you move on, thats where the healing will take shape. No "Dr." can make this go away or resolve it. Thats where you come in. Try to move on if you are of age now, a change, a new relationship, or even finding a job with people around will help transition you to a normal state of mind. Talk to someone about this, a stranger would be better than a Dr. or put it out there in cyberland, like right here. It will help if you don't feel alone in your situation, share it on here and allow people to share their own experiences, believe me they will, and when you see others that went through the same thing, yours will not seem as bad, know what I mean? Hope this helps, I urge you to try it, open up and let it out...then healing will take place.
Friend, Eric

Answer 3

That is a really difficult situation. My father was also abusive at times, verbally and physically. When he moved out, I was 14 and I chose to forgive him, because:
He moved far away and I didn't have to be afraid of his anger.
He wasn't a mean person, he'd get very angry at times and I didn't understand why.
Later, I realized he had depression and I was struggling with the same problem. The difference for me, is that I got treatment for depression and Dad never recognized he had a problem, he just blamed others for how he felt.
If you genuinely feel that a brain tumor was at least part of the cause and the abuse has stopped, then forgiving him seems reasonable. After brain surgery, stroke or other brain injury, memory loss is very common. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting and you don't need to forget to have closure. This is like a hot object, the longer you hold on, the more it will burn and hurt. Letting go is the way to begin healing.

Answer 4

You know he had a brain operation to remove a tumor. A tumor can cause considerable changes to a persons behavior and its often NOT something they can control.

Removing the tumor may have affected him memory. It would depend on where it was located.

You could speak to his doctor, explain your concerns and ask him if the tumor was likely responsible.

You could talk to your Dad , tell him you understand that he may not remember and tell him what happened between you two, and ask him what he can say to you. Do you have a mother or brothers and sisters who would support your version of events ?


It is mainly your decision to understand your Dads illness and get past his treatment of you. You DO NOT have to FORGIVE his conduct, sometimes thats asking too much, but understand the reason for it and accept that he wasnt fully able to be different. You can now see how he treats you. Holding onto a grievance may hurt you more in the long term than letting go of it.

You haven't said how old you are now. If you are still under 18 you may have a chance to build a new relationship with your Dad. If you are much over 18 you may be more likely to build a relationship with him as another adult.

Good luck..

Answer 5

You have really got to sit yourself down and do some serious thinking. Your Dad may have said some terrible things when you were young - but as you have stated the poor guy had a brain tumor. You can't really expect him to be responsible for his actions. And now that it has been removed (the tumor) he has lost all memory of his actions. Of course, he isn't going to feel remorse for something he can't even remember doing! If his treatment towards you has changed for the better since the tumor has been removed then it's not rocket science to figure out that his illness has had something to do with his actions back then. Besides - for your own mental well being you need to let it go. No one can change to past.

Answer 6

Forgiving family is the hardest, because we expect so much more love and support from them. And really... forgiving a parent may be the most difficult of all.

The good news is, your father has a serious health problem, and it is possible for brain tumors to affect emotion/behavior. I say it's good news, because all indications are that he wasn't trying to hurt you.

Now that the tumor is gone, I assume his behavior has changed. It's almost like a clean slate for the two of you... and that alone is enough to help you forgive.

Unfortunately, forgetting isn't an option. But turn the memories for your good. Compare the New Dad to the Old Dad (before the surgery). Take time to thank God for his health, and to pray for a forgiving heart. Forgiveness really isn't a "feeling." It's a conscious decision to let it go.

Don't fester, because the heart and health you'd be hurting is your own.

I wish you the best. I believe it is even harder to deal with this since you were so young while enduring the pain.

Answer 7

Every one here is so nice about all of this. Problem is is that they did not have to live through it. It screws you up and just saying "forgive him" does not fix you.
You do need to forgive (that is hard) but that still does not make all of it go away. You know that there is mental illness and a brain tumor which is an excuse as to why but that really does not pacify the hurt inside because of what was said.
What I think you need to do is come to terms with the fact that he is who he is, what is done is done, and grow to discover who you are. Do not think that having children will be any kind of magical remedy because it is not.
You need to get to know who you are and find out what makes you happy and live for you. Maybe this will require therapy. You need to go on with your life and make your family not so important in your life. Still love them and talk to them but have your own life separate from them. Then have children. Not to fix the mistakes of your past but because it is the right time of your life to bring another human into this world that you can love, adore and completely devote yourself to.
Just remember that brain tumors come back, mental illness does not go away and that this man will someday be your child's grandfather and you do not want your child subjected to the same abuse that you suffered so make sure that you are on your own two feet so that you do not have to depend on him for anything (i.e. moving back home because you are unable to raise a child by yourself).
The only thing I really know to do in a hard situation is pray. I say, "Lord, I forgive him but my heart and mind do not agree." Repeat daily and eventually it comes to pass.

Answer 8

It obviously was something quite serious to disturb you THAT MUCH .I can only guess at what it was, but whatever that is remorse can't come if a person truly can't remember what they are supposed to have done . Don't reproach him any longer as it is useless . Work instead only with your own feelings .
You don't have to forget it at all as far as my attitude is concerned , but if you want to have a life without bitterness then you have to , absolutely have to work on forgiving him for this . Let the dear Lord deal with him at the end, have faith in the way it's supposed to take place . Be happy with your mature judgment and give it closure .
There are many of us in like circumstances where it took years of disgust and reproach even before it was laid to rest after forgiveness .
Remember that you and you alone are the one that counts here . You are the one that remembers and lives with it .
Forgive yourself for whatever you think you should have done and didn't and forgive him because he is crippled .

Answer 9

Your dad had an illness. You have to put aside those bad feelings. He is the only dad you will ever have and even though he can't remember, and I believe he can't, if he knew how he made you feel, I know he would be very sorry. Don't bring up the past to your dad. Live in the today and cherish the time you have left with him. It was not his fault. Remember that. You are the one that has to show love to him and even now, he should respond to your love. I am a Geri-psych nurse, I have seen this before. Forget it. Your bad memories will consume whatever love you have left for him and ruin you. Please, go on. Forget it and love him now.
Most important of all, forgive him in your heart. You will feel better even though it may take time.

Answer 10

you have to realize that forgiveness is choosing to let go and move on. I think you already have because forgiveness is understanding. my mother was extremely abusive in part due to mental illness. She died when I was 11. I hated her for a long time, then as I got older I began to see it a little differently. I will never look back and feel love for her, but I did forgive her and it was a huge weight off my heart. Forgiveness is accepting it for what it is, understanding why and deciding to leave the part of your hurt behind that affects you everyday and choose to focus on the positive in your life. All it takes is a moment, but it won't happen until you're ready.

good luck

Answer 11

Never forget of your experiences, else you forget the knowledge you gained from them. You, my dear, have been given a grand opportunity, however, in forgiveness, with an assist that most do not get...you no longer have be hurt in process...you & your Dad get a fresh start...your forgiving is a one-time event, totally based on YOUR free-will choice to do so!

If you choose the wiser course--embrace the opportunity and learn from the experience--and move onward in your new Self & new life situation...you will emerge quite the victor in it all...YOUR choice, though!

Be wise...and Good Journey!!!