How do I grow in love with my newly married second wife when I still have love for my first wife?

Question

My first wife divorced me after 11 years of being together. I remarried 2 years later to a very loving woman who now is the mother of my child (first marriage no kids). My first wife will have no contact with me nor even consider getting back together which is fine, as we both need to move on, but sometimes I feel stuck in my heart and wonder why I don't love my second wife as much as I think I loved my first (who really was the greatest love of my life). I've been told that I can "grow to love" her as I am not passionately excited or in love with her as I was with my first wife...any advice?

Answer 1

You can grow to love her; she may sense that there are things lacking in the marriage--women are like that. : } Try doing some special things for your wife. things that will make her smile. Have date nights, no baby, just the 2 of you. If she has a favourite restaurant take her there, or even if she likes fast food, take her there--just the 2 of you. You need to nurture her and do what you can to forget your ex. Remember the reasons why you divorced. With your new wife, remember the things that brought you together and do some of those courtship times with her. Please don't dwell on the past as it will ruin what you have now and you will live to regret it. Court your wife. Bring her some little trinket every once in a while. Go for walks together as a family; do everything that you can to glue your life together. God bless you and your family. Cherish
them. Give her a foot rub, or a bubble bath--maybe the 2 of you while your baby sleeps. xo

Answer 2

I won't lecture about your marriage now.
I guess instead of picturing your ex try to picture what your life would be like if you weren't with your current wife. How would you react if she came to you this minute and said she wanted a divorce. Would you be sad, relieved? I think you are focusing so much attention on what could have been, that you are missing out on the here and now. She can not replace the feelings you had for your ex, but I think you are misplacing grief over the failed relationship with love. You will love your current wife differently than your first. She is a different person and you love different things about her than you did your ex. You need to put the past in the past and focus on the future. The only way you will ever grow to love your wife is if you let go of your ex. Until then, you won't make any room for her. I think it would do you good to go see a therapist that can help you put things into perspective.

Answer 3

I think it is normal to have feelings for your first wife. Obviously you know the relationship wasn't good for you--otherwise you would still be together.
All I can advise is time. You may have rushed, yes, even two years, into marriage again until you dealt with the first wife issues.
Many people think that to be "in love" means to have stomach butterflies everytime you see that person. Every love you have is different. If you love her unconditionally and respect her and do truly love her, then you are okay. As far as "grow to love her"...I would hope you loved her when you said "I do."
Other than that, you won't love her as you did your first. Accept that and move on. Love your current wife for what she is, the mother of your child and your wife. She has given you the greatest gift any woman ever could--a child. You should cherish her and your baby.
And talk it out about your first wife. Second wives usually understand there will always be a soft spot in your heart for former ones....

Answer 4

First of all, you married your first wife for all the qualities she had about her that you fell in love with.........your second wife you obviously fell in love with for her qualities. You love them differently and shouldn't compare the differences. You will always have love for your first wife in your memories but don't let that destroy what can be a better and possibly a lifetime of happiness with someone that is willing to bare your children. You probably do love your second wife as much, it just feels different because it is not the same person. You need to take your own advice about moving on....time heals the broken heart and you should feel pretty fortunate that you have someone that will help you through it. Move on because if you don't your new marriage will suffer tremendously. Good luck with your decision on giving up the old for the new.

Answer 5

All I can say is I'm sorry. I too have remarried and this time its better then it was before. You are going to always have feelings for your first wife...and I mean always, if you didn't then you were never totally in love, and believe me its normal to have those feelings. Your break up probably came as a big surprise for too you, so you still haven't come to grips with that loss. It is like someone has died almost...except you know she's out there...somewhere...doing her own thing. as for your second wife...its not fair to her that you aren't completely opening your heart to her. Its true you can grow to love her, but if she really loves you and she knows how you're feeling you are dooming your relationship before it ever really gets a chance to start. You need to resolve the issues with your x-wife, you need to move on and let her go and you need to learn to open your heart and move on...otherwise you will always feel this way and never ever give your second wife a chance or your new marriage. Good luck, I hope you can figure this out.

Answer 6

You need to know that your ex is an ex for a reason. You also married your second wife for a reason. You need to stop focusing on the old and put more energy on the new. The more you think and pay attention to your second wife and make her as happy as you can. The more you do this you will want to return the favor as well. You now have a child by your second marriage so you should stay committed because like you said she is a loving woman who brought life into this world for you.

Answer 7

You remarried too soon, but now that you've done it, you need to do right by her. Get over the ex. She doesn't love you. You are suffering from "what might have been". It's going to make you miss and perhaps lose what's right in front of you. Falling in love is a feeling, staying in love is a decision. Focus on what you have, not what you lost, or you'll end up alone and you'll hurt your wife.

What would you do if she left you? Focus on how she makes your life better, and how worse off you'd be without her. And remember, she's given you the greatest gift, she's the mother of your child.

Answer 8

Do you think that you maybe jumped into another marriage rather quickly to take your mind off of your first wife? I'm not sure how much I agree with "growing to love" someone. Maybe you just need more time to get over your first wife and then you will be able to move on. I hope that you are happy in your new marriage but it doesn't appear that you really are. Why not take a romantic weekend away from everything familiar and focus just on the two of you? Good luck.

Answer 9

I feel so sorry for you both. My ex married me knowing that I didn't love him and he believed that I would grow to love him of course I never did but he was not loving like your wife. Of course I agree that you should not have married her and if I could redo my life I would not have married my ex either. But you have and you have a child. I would suggest to create a list of things you like about your current wife and all the things she does that let you know how much she loves you and your child. When you have these thoughts about your ex reflect on the good things on your list. A list about the bad events that took place leading to your divorce only may also be helpful. Review the lists to put things in perspective. Unfortunately many people believe that the one that got away was the best there ever was of course it isn't true.

Good luck for the childs sake.

Answer 10

I am sorry that you and your wife are going through this. My new husband was married for 20 years to a wife who cheated and contributed nothing to their marriage so my question to you is how bad did your ex hurt you? It might not be that you are not as much in love with your current wife but that you are uneasy that you will get hurt again. So you back off and try to control your feelings and keep yourself at an emotional distance in an attempt to keep this from happening. My husband has the same feelings, he feels somewhat unsecure in marriage due to his past history, for which I don't blame him. I love him and I married him, I took my vows seriously and so it is my job to reassure him everyday of my love for him. If your feeling the same way then dont feel ashamed to talk with your wife, it sounds as though she is a wonderful and understanding woman, if she truely loves you then she will do as I have done and you will be able to work through this in time.