I found out he cheated....after we got married....how to cope?

Question

I found out a few months ago that my, (airline pilot) now husband, cheated on me when we were going out with a flight attendent. I would have left the jerk in a second if I had known before we were married. It has now been a few months, and I just gave birth to our first daughter. I STILL think about what he did daily...... He told me it was before we were married and doesnt matter. I think it does, and besides I can't trust a man who only comes home for 2 days a week. How can I get over what he did? Will I ever ger past it?

Answer 1

My ex-hubby was a cheater so I know how you feel. There is nothing worse than being with someone you love but don't trust. Since it happened before you were married and you have a beautiful little baby, give him a chance. Wipe the slate clean and try to trust him. He wouldn't of married you if he didn't love you. It's hard because he's away so much and I know how your mind can wander and worry. Just try to enjoy your marriage, push other thoughts aside, but at the same time, be aware that there is always the possibility that he will do it again. Trust me, if something is going on, sooner or later you'll find out about it. If he does it again, than you know that he's a cheater. In that case, leave his @ss and take him for as much as you can. Remember, there are good faithful husbands in the world, and I'm hoping yours is one of them. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Respectfully, its like in the Army. If someone marries someone that is already in the Army, they should realize that there are going to be times they're not together. Deployments, field training, soldiers 24/7 and can always be called in even in the middle of the night. I'm sure you knew he was a airline pilot before you married him? I'm sure you knew he wouldn't be home very often. So, now that thats out of the way... He cheated with you before you were married? And from what you say, you must have been pregnant at the time. I mean, he should have been thinking about, "what am I going to do being a pilot and a dad" rather than "that flight attendant is cute". If you hadn't had been pregnant, It would be a lot different. I mean, if you weren't that may have been his test to see if he's ready to get married. I mean, its wrong to do. If you're with someone, be with that someone. But people are going to make mistakes. The only way to get past it is to just realize that he is with you. Trust is hard enough to gain, with him gone, I'm sure its worse. I'm sure eventually, once he regains your trust, you'll get over whatever happened. Good luck!

Answer 3

First you need to put urself back together. You need to reconsider your option. Is this how you wanna live the rest of your life? Wondering every day whether he is true and faithful to you or not? Whether he will he cheat on you again or not? Which in my opinion guys do.. You have to be very strong for your daughter and also be a role model. What would you tell your daughter if she asks you the same question? Would you tell her to get over it and save the marraige for her kids or save the kids and get out of the marraige? Nobody can tell you what to do. If your husband is really sorry about that then i'm sure you can feel his apoligizes.

Even though you were going out at that time. It does matter whether he was true to you or not.

Take your time and think about it wise and clear. Its nor only for your good but also for your new born daughter's sake.

And if thats his excuse that he only gets to see u only 2 days a week. and that promted him to have an affair with some flight attendent, is lame.. If he wanted to be close to his wife and family than he can change his profession. And its also about self control and faitfulness. If he is in a relationship than he has to respect the boundries.

Answer 4

I'm afraid that this all depends on you, when something like this happens, woman i think tend to hold a grudge longer than men, its the whole was she prettier than me, thinner than me, better in bed that kind of stuff, you have every reason in the world to be mad, if it were me id drop him in a second but then that's because i know id never be able to forgive a cheat and know I'm worth more than that, if men dont treat me with respect I'm off, however like you say you have just had a baby, and are now married, id say if you think you can over this and one day forgive him then its worth a try, marriage is hard work anyway, but he should have been honest with you beforehand, but if you think that you cannot forgive this or forget it then get out, why should you tear yourself apart over this, it'll only end up destroying you, i think you need to sit down and really think long and hard on this, people can advise you, but they do not know you and its harder to advise best when you do not have an understanding of the person asking the question, i wish you all the luck in the world whatever choice you make,

Answer 5

It is important to forget and forgive.

You wrote"He told me it was before we were married and doesnt matter. I think it does", I do agree with you.

But.

I hope he has not straied since marrage. Past is past , think of the future and leave his past behind.

All Airline air crew have similar situations they are hardly home. You knew that, he may not be home, when you married him.

Your profile indicates that you miss your family, so is it possible for him to change his home base to a city near your family home so you can have more family support.

But it is all up to you and him to work thing out inspite of the past.

Think things over, take some legal, imotional and religious advice if you can, if you must, if this is unbearable.

Time heals all, allow some time, enjoy the extra time to bond well with your daughter, make the most of the life, the happiest people are the ones that learn to make lemonade out of the lemon. So learn from the lessons that life has taught you so far, and use it to creat batter healthy happy life for you and your whole family. Give and take is the rule of the life, live by it.

Answer 6

I truly understand your feelings and feel the pain.
You can get over what your husband did to you by simply forgiving him and trying to forget the episode.I know it is difficult but time heals.You have every right to be angry and vent your anger must,to the maximum.By forgiving your husband when he asks for it,you are only doing good to yourself.An unforgiving attitude breeds resentment and bitterness takes root in your heart.This becomes poisonous and is dangerous to your mental and physical health.
Now after forgiving him what are your options.
No 1. You can try to forget the past over time and live with him,provided the chemistry of love still exists in your relationship.Find out if he is sincere in his love for you.You and your child should be the most important persons in his life.His affair with the flight attendant may not extend beyond casual sex.This may be a weakness in him which you should be aware of.People overcome this weakness but at times fail.Remember this weakness is common to both men and women and it is widely prevalent in men,because men are not strictly monogamous by nature.But this does not give licence for anybody to indulge in this weakness.Sexual weakness is very common.Men and women commit sexual sins in their hearts and minds when they see an attractive male or female.This is human nature.Those who have the opportunity and guts yield to the temptation and indulge in physical sex.Very few are truly virtuous that way.I do not support promiscuity. I only say people should behave responsibly and if either of the partners stray for physical reasons, then that should not be considered as the end of the road. Therefore it is for you to know whether your husband sincerely loves you.In that case you can give it a try.But do not entertain suspicions in future.It kills love.
No 2. If the chemistry of love no longer exists between you or his infidelity has filled you with disgust and if you feel that you can never be free of suspicions about him in future,then you may end the relationship.But also consider about your future marital and economic status and also about the well being of your loving daughter.
But whatever decision you take forgive him and put the past behind you,because your emotional and physical health are most important.Time heal and put your entire trust in God.
You and your child have a wonderful future with or without your errant husband.So, God bless , life is fantastic for those who hope.

Answer 7

My heart goes out to you. Right now, you are dealing with feelings of betrayal (and rightly so), as well as the stresses of being married and a new mother. Your best option right now is counseling, for the both of you. If he won't go, then go alone. At this time, also realize that the level of stress you are dealing with is not good for your little one. Stop a moment and realize that any issues right now are secondary to your daughter's well being. You need to take care of you; if you don't feel a sense of security, start doing things that make you feel stronger about yourself. Take an online college course. Keep up your skills that you had BEFORE you got married. Look in the mirror and realize that you are a role model for your daughter. Dry the tears, find a support network of friends, and love him, but stop worrying about him. You are important, too. You don't get past a betrayal--you simply learn that you are stronger than it. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

You can't trust someone that comes home only 2 days a week? You knew he was an airline pilot before you married him. You may or may not learn to trust him again and that is totally up to you if you want to go forward. Sometimes it takes a mediator to work through issues like this in a marriage.

Answer 9

Well..now when u r aware that he cheated u wat r u waiting 4?
Do u wannna more? R u not educated 2 stand on ur feet? Did u asked ur hubby whether he wd tolerate if u wd do in same way ? If this dznt matter 2 ur huzbnd y u r brooding over the situation which u 've not created?
Silly sweety life moves @ every 2nd, cm on cheer up, B +ve & show that u urself is capable to live ur life on ur terms, Spend time with ur frnds, get a job, engage urself in sm job & being harsh leave ur baby 2 ur hubby so that he wd feel the pain & responsibility of being a father. Still ur life has not been made hell ,so thank God 4 this N ma'm move on, live ur life to fullest, dont spoil it for sm1
Wish u Gd lk :-))

Answer 10

Having a new baby is a blessing and i think that alone should take your mind off what he did. Am not in support of him but who knows, he could have done it just because he was gonna get married and that will be the end, one woman till death do us part. Its human nature darling, men sometimes feel they have to do certain things because they are men, cut him some slack and concentrate on the new baby am sure he/she will need you sweet, "sane" and healthy. Congratulation and instead of arguing try being in his shoes he might tell you more if he knows you will forgive him and you will know where you stand with him, marriage is not an easy thing, it entails a lot than you think. Patience is a virtue, pragmatism is a savior and if you forgive you keep. Peace.