I just left an abusive relationship, why do i want him back?

Question

I left my bf...and for somereason i still love him and want him.. But he is a horrible person, and he physicaly and mentally abuses me constantly. He never really seemed to love me as much as he should have.

I went out with this guy for 3 years...I feel like that that is wasted now and i feel lost. He isolated me from all of my friends and now I lost them and have no friends. he was my only friend... I want to be w/ him..but it's a BAD idea when he has no personality and doesn't care about anyone but himself. What can i do to get through this and forget it all and stop blaming myself..he made me feel like i am mental!

Answer 1

Of course he made it out to be your fault, made you feel weak, that's the only way the moron can keep control! Good on you for leaving, just keep going, there's a day when you're gonna hit your forehead and say "Good grief, what did he turn me into?"
What you are missing is NOT him, cause what he did is NOT love you, he tried to control and doiminate you, that's NOT love. You are missing company. Spend time with your friends, do everything but do NOT go back to him.

I know where you're at - I spent two months crying like a baby when I left a 4-year abusive relationship, only to realise I missed company, not necessarily his.

Stand your ground, you're woth far more than he's been giving you - and don't ever think that he will change, the only change that happens is that it just gets worse.

Answer 2

Check it out kid, I know exactly how you feel. Sounds cheap but its true. First off I'm curious how old you are. You sound about my age(24) or somewhere in the neighborhood. At least you can admit that you know its not gonna work. Thats the first hard thing to do. The next is to actually go through with it. Way hard. I think the hardest thing after a long relationship is getting rid of the residue. All the things you took for granted during the routine day. Being so used to having someone else around. You have to remember that there was a you before a him. Hard at first but it can actually be a chance for you to reshape and remember yourself. Just have to be determined. +Email me any time. Good Luck.

Kat

Answer 3

A long time ago I would yell at people like this on the t.v., you know, like calling them weak and stupid and 'youre so dumb for wanting someone who treats you like crap, move on.' But I recently became one of them, and oh my god, it's so hard; I'm in almost the same situation as you. I've been friends with him for like almost 3 years. He's the most amazing, funny, smart person I've ever met. But lately (the past couple of months or more) I've been noticing things he's doing that a good friend shouldn't do. And one time he messed up so bad, I cried until I got sick. I told him I could never look at him again. But two days later, I realized I couldn't not look at him again, and we went back to being friends. And it's just getting worse, and I know I have to leave him so I can be happy again in the longer run, but it seems impossible because I love him so much. But if he's physically abusive, I think that's different. Just keep in mind all the bad things that happened and think of all the good you can have with someone 10X better, because you will. Hope that helped.

Answer 4

I married what turned out to be an abusive person and was in it for 6 years. She took a boyfriend and divorced me. Every friend I had made during the time I knew her was lost. I even learned after the separation that she had even tried to harm my infant niece out of her insane jealousy over not being able to have a child herself.

Even then, for a brief time, there was a part of me who wanted her back. Sounds strange, doesn't it? Well, to a person with a strong sense of self-worth it is, but to one like myself back then who had a weak self-esteem it was scary to lose someone, even one who had proven to be a monster like my ex-wife had.

The first thing I had to do to heal was to accept the fact that the person was incapable of loving me -- a person cannot love another who loves only him/herself -- and that there was nothing I could do or say to change that fact.

The next step was not to shoulder another's actions on myself. In other words, I was not to blame for what my ex did to me nor should I clobber myself for it. The responsibility for berating me in front of people, demonstrating an unbelievable insensitivity towards me and my feelings, and even resorting to temper tantrums and physical violence when I didn't see things her way lies solely on her.

Thirdly, I accepted responsibility as to which direction my life would be headed from there. I had to learn to grieve and then pick myself up and go on. I and I alone am responsible to learn the lessons from my mistakes -- it is often how one learns to make good decisions.

Do get some counseling about this -- it helps more than you know. Also, if you have loving parents, brothers, and/or sisters, do not shut them out. My family was a big help when it came to moral support and love. You might find them to be invaluable allies.

Good luck to you...

Answer 5

First of all… IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Read it, Memorize it, Understand it, and BELIEVE IT!!!! Ok, the reason you want him back is because he controlled you and your environment for 3 years. This may sound weird but you felt safe in that environment, People naturally want to follow a leader. If someone beats you down, physically or mentally, you will loose your self esteem and confidence and in turn want to follow someone so that you will feel safe (i.e. your ex.) You need to find something that makes you happy and pursue it. If you feel that your old friends would ‘except you back’ then call them ASAP. If they won’t then they really weren’t that good of friends anyway, so move on and find others. Join a club in your area, get a new job where you can meet new people, find a hobby that makes YOU happy. You can get through this, it will be hard but remember that it is not your fault and you deserve to be happy in your life. No one else can or is entitled to control that! Good Luck and Have Fun on your new FREE journey!

Answer 6

The same reason I still love my ex, even though I knew that I had to leave him. You have become comfortable with him, and have learned to focus on the little amount of good he has in him. I know that I also became too comfortable. I ended up staying for 12 years before I left. I wasted the best years of my life on a man that I knew, deep down, would never treat me good.

Do like I am doing. Try to move on. Eventually the hold he has on you will wear off.

Guess what--NOW that I have left and am getting my life back together, he is treating me nice. Of course, I know that it is because he knows that he treated me bad, and that can not control me any longer!!

Ironic isn't it. When you are doing everything for them, they treat you like he*l, but when you leave they want to treat you good. Life is so messed up sometimes!! lol

Answer 7

You are searching for something that you never had in him, but cannot imagine yourself without him. I have a friend going through the same thing, she was with this guy for 14 years. What is working for her is this, you have to first find friends or something to occupy your time and space. Find some getting over him music that you like and listen to it, it should consist of music that reminds you that you are worth better and he is not the one for you. I can suggest some for you because I made my friend a CD. Finally you have to get back out there with your criteria in hand, don't sway from them or you will end up with another guy that does not deserve you. Know that you will not find the right guy right away and you may get some real duds in between but you have to stay strong and keep going. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

I very much understand what you`re going through. I`ve been in that same exact situation before with my first boyfriend. You feel confused and very lost because HE made you feel really small; which he shouldn`t have done to begin with. A person who isolates another, from the people that they have a close bond with, such as with friends and//or with family want to feel DOMINANT. They want to feel the power so that whatever they say to make another feel low, boozes them up knowing that the other one surrendered. It`s actually a universal action. It`s not only guys but girls do it as well.

Keep in mind. It`s not your fault. You do not have mental problems. If you didn`t do anything wrong, and you know that you didn`t, stop blaming yourself girl. You deserve someone that will appreciate you even for the simplest things and will love you for who you are .. no IF`s, AND`s, or BUT`s.

Realize this girl. If you go back with him again, your going to fall back into caos and this same exact feeling of being lost will resume. You want to be happy, but how can you if its going to be deja vu? You need to put your foot down and make him listen to what`s IMPORTANT to YOU. Honestly, I don`t think it`s worth trying. Nobody deserves to be abused and unhappy. Isolation from friends and//or family is a sign of insecurity, immaturity, and jealousy towards his action. This is not a healthy relationship at all from the start. A relationship needs to have trust, loyality, communication, understanding, companionship, respect, love etc...not a one way only thing.

Here`s a suggestion:
Don`t let the negative thoughts get to you or control you. What I mean by don`t let it control you is that, you have the call on which things make you happy and which things that don`t. Don`t let your feelings control you, because you should be the one controlling them. I hope you understand what I mean by that. Sorry if that confused you. If you know that they are false or aren`t true, ignore it. Why waste your time with unnecessary assumptions?

Try to focus on you for now. Concentrate on what makes you happy and do the things that makes you happy as well first. You need to help yourself before you can help others. Makes sense? It`s not easy to do, but easy to be said. It takes great loads of patience. Leave all distractions aside; especially the relationship one. You don`t need to look for love, let it just come to you on it`s own. Like they say: love moves in mysterious ways. So don`t worry it`ll come to you when you least expect it. But you have to do what makes you happy first, okay?

I hope I am a help to you. if you need anyone to talk to, just feel free to IM me [e-mail].

good luck to you girl!

Answer 9

You want him back because he controlled your life; he took you out of you. When you are in that type of relationship, you lose yourself, you forget who you are. There will be a sense of loss because you have to rebuild yourself, find yourself again. Trust me, I've been there, and I made the mistake of going back; no matter how much you convince yourself it will get better, it will not. And don't blame yourself, that's the worst mistake you can make; no one deserves to be abused. Turn to friends and family, learn how to live again; learn how to hold your head up high again.

If you like, I published a poem about an abusive relationship, and maybe reading it will help some.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/250187/black_and_blue.html

Answer 10

You only want him back because you are lonely and you have no companionship right now. With him, no mater what he did, atleast you were used to that routine and had some type of communication with someone. What you need to do is find someone else to talk to...probably best to actually find a female friend instead of getting into a relationshio because you will probably end up with another guy who is abusive because you will subconsiously pick them. So find a female friend or if your in germany find me. But the one thing you don't need to do is go back to him Good luck.