help with my fiance !!?

Question

ok so me and my fiance have always had some issues. he is kind of jealous and controlling.
EXAMPLE: he calls asking where im at all the time. he does not like me going out or being around friends. if i miss a call he accuses me of cheating.
i dont know i love him and i tell him he needs to stop and sometimes he will for a bit and he will get back up on the problems. I dont want to hear any advice as to leaving him because i dont want to. what do you suggest? what can i do?
OHH and once i say something about him being so controlling he kinda turns it around on me. ugh just help please.

its not like leaving him isnt in my mind everyone its just hard to be without someone you truly love

Answer 1

u need to seriously sit down and talk with him, or take a break from him....my ex-fiance was like that and that's why he's an ex!

Answer 2

No one should feel like a prisoner in a relationship - your fiance must have been hurt in a previous relationship to have made him act like this.

He needs to realise that you are NOT his ex and that if he has abandonment issues etc he isnt helping by arguing with you. It doesnt matter what you say though - he will start pushing you away from him.

I've always found that when i've been accused of cheating that my partners at the time were actually cheating on me. It's called transferrance.

I'm not saying break up with him, but I think that you and your fiance have to sit down and adress these issues. If it all just keeps happening after this, then I advise some sort of counselling or therapy. Otherwise the relationship is doomed.

As my mum once said to me "You can't Love someone when there's no trust" - If he doesnt trust you just now when you've already made a commitment to be his wife, what will it be like ten years from now? Not very fair, eh?

The sooner the problem is addressed, the better.

Good luck to you!!!! :)

Answer 3

In your Additional Details you suggest that you truly love him. What do you love about him? His looks? His money? His sex appeal? It's certainly not his constant, gentle kindness and consideration for your feelings and happiness, without which an eventual happy marriage is unattainable.

Without a happy marriage you cannot expect to create a happy family if and when toodlers arrive on the scene. Children usually reflect in their behaviour the way of life in which they were reared. We already have too many children burdening the State and society as a result of their bad and sad upbringing.

You don't hint at your own status. Are you a youngster being bowled over by your "first love"? Perhaps, on the other hand, you are desperate to find a husband before it is too late, and being swept off your feet by a misfit. Either way, wait until you meet Mr Right. Be patient. He's out there somewhere. You'll know when you meet him.

Answer 4

I suggest calmly talking to him and telling him EVERYTHING you are feeling. Don't hide any of your feelings you should not get into a marriage without having got everything off your chest because if he feels he can get away with it now he will certainly continue through your marriage. If you let it keep happening it will get worse as he will think he can control every aspect of your life.
Try taking a break from him by staying with friends or family so he can realise how much you mean to him. I understand you love him very much and don't want to leave him but you need to think about your happiness, what about if you start a family together and he gets worse. You need to realise that a marriage and a family is much harder to leave behind once you have made that commitment. If you keep talking to him about it now and he still hasn't changed do you think he ever will???
I hope it all works out for you and whatever happens that you will be happy

Answer 5

My dear, this is the first classic sign of an abuser. Either he gets help for his abuse issues, or you are in for a marriage filled with nothing but false empty accusations and misery.

So you really have 3 choices:
1. You can tell him to get counseling (and even offer to go with him).
2. You can live with it...and expect that eventually you will divorce because it is only the first step on a long and miserable path through life that might end with being a battered wife.
3. You can do as everyone will tell you and tell him to take a long walk and lose his way back.

Honestly, if you want to have a happy life, rethink getting permanently attached to this guy.
I speak from experience....5 years of misery and abuse (physical, mental, and emotional) and two STD's (that he brought home) later, I'd finally had enough.

Answer 6

light the fires, kick the tyres and get out of there before it's too late.

I know you don't want to hear this, but his behaviour will get worse after you've married him. He'll probably stop you going out with your friends at all and might even become abusive towards you.

I was living with a girl once with a major jealousy problem. I would only have to be polite to a waitress in a resturant to be accused to flirting with her or worse. I lost touch with a lot of my friends and even stopped seeing my familiy for a while to keep her happy. All a mistake I know. Those rifts caused a lot of pain and took a long time to heal.

Yes i was in love her and yes i thought everything would be ok, but i the end i had to leave her as i was falling apart and really unhappy.

Your last line really rang alarm bells for me, as most abusers always make their victims feel it's their fault ( 'see what you made me do now') and the victim won't leave 'as he/she loves me really'.

Please have a serious talk with your family and friends about this. I'm afraid his behaviour won't get better and the longer you stay the harder it will be to go and worse it is likely to get.

be strong.

Answer 7

you two should try couples counseling, maybe it will work or maybe it won't. You said that you love him and don't want to leave him, what do you think he is going to be like once you become his wife. He is jealous and controlling, usually this is a sign of infidelity. i am not saying that he is cheating, but what other reason would he need to know where you are at all times. i just want you to think is this the way you want to live the rest of your life. If yes than marry him, but if no than leave before it's too late. Trust issue turn into abuse and no one deserves to be abused.

Answer 8

Your fiance is showing all the signs of being an abuser. He may not hit you yet, but it's coming. There's NOTHING you can do about it. He has to want to change. He has to get control of himself and realize that what he's doing is wrong.

If you marry him, you'll be bound to a life without friends, without family, only with an abusing, controlling husband.

You know in your heart the only answer is to leave him. He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you. Leave now before it's too late. If he truly loves you, he'll seek help on his own, then show you over time, with his actions, that he's changed.

Don't become a statistic. Get out while you can.

Answer 9

I haven't read through all of the answers given, so hopefully I can still offer some advice. It sounds like these are all red flags waving in front of you. I dated a guy like this that became physically abusive. I had to get help to get the courage to leave him because I couldn't do it on my own. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. You need to gather a support system and make up your mind. You need to make a decision and stick with it -no matter what. All the apologies in the world are not going to change him. So as long as you realize this and stay with him, then its on you. "You make your own bed."
But just know that people dont really change. Not abusive people, they have to dig down to the core of who they are to change these things, and that is a serious committment that most will not make. Good luck and hopefully you make the right decision.

Answer 10

hmm... i think the major problem here may not be him, but You.

The reason i say this is not because he is in the right, but in the problem that YOU do not seem to have any standards regarding what kind of husband and man u want to be with!!! did u know that u can learn to love a LOT of people?? that doesn't mean they Deserve it!!!! however, there are a lot smaller # of people that will RESPECT you, and that you Respect them as well. =T that way, if u have standards regarding how you want to be treated, you would keep dating and searching til u find a guy who proves that to you.....

love is wonderful and great, and yes it has much to do with a marriage/relationship----> HOWEVER, having said that, love is not EVERYTHING. you need to know, and be confident that you both are willing and able to work thru any conflict. if he proves to u in the dating period that he is ignoring your feelings, distrusts you, etc etc, then he is showing what kind of guy he is. if u marry him, u can't all of a sudden expect him to change... it becomes your fault that u didn't put a stop to it BEFORE u married him.

i don't know about you, but the man i want to marry is Strong, Confident, Independent, Loving, Kind, Open minded, Smart, NOT jealous, etc etc....... my boyfriend is not perfect, but what i love about him the most is that he WANTS to be a good man, and constantly tries to be do right by his family, me, etc etc.....even when he is not making the best decision, he is open to my viewpoint, or even my criticism, as i try to be open to his.

if i were u, i would give him an ultimatum: he needs to get some counseling and/or try hard to work to TRUST you. if he doesn't trust you, there's no basis to get married. =T... good luck.

Answer 11

This sounds exactly like my ex fiance. He got worse over time and eventually started beating me. He even forced me to have sex against my will at one point (basically rape). I never expected him to get that bad. I thought he was the love of my life. He was actually the hell in my life after awhile. Stay with him if you want. The only person who can do anything about him is him. I hope it never gets to the point that he starts to beat you. There is no advice on how to handle someone like this. People can't be controlled. You can't fix him or save him but you can try to do something about the fact that you feel you don't deserve someone who is good to you.