Have u suffered a tragedy? What is the best thing a friend can do when someone they loves goes thru this?

Question

A good friend of mine just lost a baby. It was only 4 days until her due date, so its awful. She went in for an appointment and there was no heartbeat. They determined that the baby had died, probably within just a day or so. Today, she is being induced and has to give birth to her dead baby. She has very little family, and they arent close. Her fiancee isnt close with his family either. This is the second child HE has lost, because his ex wife had a stillborn too. We are their only close friends. I know its going to be really hard. She has a 4 year old with her ex husband, and her fiancee has two sons with his ex wife. This was going to be their first child together. I know there is really nothing I can do or say to make them feel better, and that they have to grieve, but what is something my husband and I can do for them as friends? We've offered to take her daughter when/if they ever need a break, and said that we are here for them if they need anything.

I was thinking about buying them a gift card to a nice restaurant for when they need to get out of the house as a couple. Would that be appropriate/helpful? Has anyone here suffered this kind of loss and can advise? I dont know if they want to be left alone, or if they want friends around, or anything. I'd like to at least do something nice for them to show that we love them. I also feel guilty because my husband and I are TTC our second child, and its like... if I get pregnant soon, part of me is going to feel kinda awful, and scared to tell them.

PS: I'm 22 and have never lost a friend or family member, so I really have no idea what she is going through, or what loss in that way is like.

Answer 1

I lost my daughter to SIDS 9 years ago. You are being a good friend just by being there for them. If they want to talk let them, but if they dont want to talk dont push the issue. Let them decide how and when to talk about their loss.

Answer 2

You sound like an awesome friend. Just being there will let her know that you care. The death of any family member is very hard. You don't want to keep hearing that people are there for you and that if you need anything they will be there. Once is enough to say and just leave it at that. I know this is a different situation but this may help. My father past away in Dec of 04 and we had everyone telling us they would help us out and all of that but the hardest part was when everything was all said and done. A few months had past and there was nobody to be found. People stopped calling to see how my family was and it just seemed like nobody cared. I think that the best thing to do is go over their house help em clean, maybe cook em dinner. Keep them company. Unless they tell you they want to be alone, then you can ask them if they would like for you to take their children out to the park or something so it can just be those two. It will take time for them to grieve, all you can really do is be there on those crappy days. I hope this helped and I'm sorry it was so long.
My prayers go out to you and your friends.

Hope

Answer 3

They may want to talk about the baby, the way we would any other loved one who died. They may not want to talk about it. I would do what you would do if they had lost a parent, or an uncle etc. Offer your condolences, send a card, bring over a meal or two and pop in to take the other kids (how ever many of them live there) out to the park etc. In a few days, talk to them and ask if they want help to pack up the baby's things, prepare them for storage or just get some sheets etc to keep the dust off of them for now (they may want to try again right away etc). Broach the subject tenderly but don't be afraid to offer real concrete and specific help. Everyone says, "If there's anything I can do..." but that doesn't always mean you would ask for help or would even know what help you needed.
As for if you conceive, just tell them. They may feel a bit jealous and a little sad for a moment, but you will all be better off without the awkwardness of such a hidden secret.

Answer 4

I'm so very sorry for their tragedy.

The best thing you can do is be there. Admit you don't understand exactly what they're going through but that you will do your best to support them, and that you do understand that this is a great loss that will take time to recover from. Of course they will always miss this child, and they'll never "get over it", but they will learn how to cope with it with time.

They may not even know what they need all of the time. Do things for them when you can, like picking up things from the store, running errands, or even just staying away if they need some time alone. Offering to take care of their daughter was perfect.

You sound like a very good friend, and I'm sure you're grieving, too. We should all be so lucky as to have friends like you.

Answer 5

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_loss_grief_support_parents.shtml

This site offers a printable guide to help a newly bereaved parent with their grief. It gives good advice.

I don't know about the gift card though. I didn't want to leave the house at all for quite some time, but my mom gave me $$ for a nice dinner on my birthday, which was only a few weeks after my son's death, and we did use it. With a gift card, they can save it until they are ready.
But do offer to help with household chores and the like. It will be appreciated.
Here are a few tips I can offer:
Never say the baby is "in a better place." A parent feels that the best place for their child is with them, this will not be comforting.
Don't say "call if you need anything" because the bereaved are often too depressed to reach out. They may also feel like no one understands, which is true to some extent. If you haven't experienced it, you don't understand.
And don't avoid your friend because you don't know what to say. You can't catch the death...I totally felt abandoned by most of my friends after my son died. They didn't know what to say, so they just didn't speak to me. I know that some of them also were afraid of the same thing happening to them, so they avoided me out of fear. It was awful.
I amswered your other question too, and posted more web sites that may help you out as well.
Bless you for trying to help your friend.

Answer 6

Ive been through exactly the same thing and it's the worst thing in the world to go through my advice is just be there for them as they will need you just be carefull not to try and force a gift on them so that you feel you have done something to help being her friend is the best thing she could have right now and i totally understand what she is going through words can't describe how she is feeling i would just be there for her speak to her every day or go round and see her daily thats all you can do she wont apreciate a gift right now but she will need a big cuddle and reasurance that you are there for her when she needs you everything will be one big blur for a few days so just be there for her and let her know you love her and give her cuddles and support i will be thinking of her as i do other people i have met who have been through this tragic experiance she will never get over this but she will learn to cope slightly better with each day that passes take good care of her as she will need you and i wish you all the best

Answer 7

I dont think that a gift card is a good idea. Just because you usually give gifts for happy occasions. If you want to give her something, give her something in memory of the baby, for instance a rememberance stone or something. You can offer your support by just being there for her to talk to and lean on. She's GOING to need that.also keep her in your prayers. she's already in mine.
Also, dont be afraid to have your own child. It would probably make her feel happy in 5 months to know that you are going to have a baby. She wont be sad for your or angry at your or anything like that. She will move on.
My bro-in-law who lost his baby 2 yrs ago went on to have a healthy happy girl last year, and now his wife is having twins!
You"d feel guilty to not try to have a baby right now and find out later that you could have waited too long and couldnt have one yourself Just wait a few months to tell her from now. Good luck.

Answer 8

That's all you can do, is offer to be there for them. You could also help them plan some kind of memorial or tribute to the baby they lost. It's very nice of you to want to do something, so many people will disappear when a tragedy happens, especially when that tragedy is the loss of a baby. Just call and check in on them, ask if there is anything you can do, tell them that they can even call you in the middle of the night if they have to. You could also start some kind of fund to help them pay for the funeral and headstone for the baby.

Answer 9

my neice went through a similiar experience, she was pregnant with her first child, her husband was serving overseas, she went to the er for a headache and 2 days before she was to deliver discovered the baby had died and had to deliver her stillborn. A couple of months after the funeral i took her to a local park were we planted Serenity's tree. We planted a tree and in front of the tree placed a stone with her daughter's name and birthdate on it. If your friend has a yard this is a great way for her to remember her child.

Answer 10

I have suffered a tragedy, loosing my first wife to breast cancer after a 30 year marriage, and she was only 49. What helped me through all of this was a close friend, as all my other friends abandoned me, and I was alone, I mean all alone except for my dog and cat. The one friend helped me, just by being there for me, talking to me, and giving me positive support everyday, because I did not know if I wanted to live anymore. I did seek proffessional counseling,and that really helped me to recover. The main thing is to just give your friends support, and tell them you are there for them if they need it. Boy how sad, to go through that. You are a good friend.