How to raise children with one Atheist and one Christian parent?

Question

I am Atheist and the man I plan to marry and have children with is Christian (Baptist). I am worried about how we will teach our children about our beliefs because his beliefs undermine my beliefs and my beliefs undermine his. Obviously he wants his children to go to church and he'd like us to go to church as a family. How do we explain both of our beliefs without confusing our children?

What I want to do is not to teach our children that either belief is right or wrong and let them decide for themselves but he wants them to go to church and perhaps even Christian school. This will teach them that Christianity is the only truth and I want them to be open to other ideas as well.

Answer 1

Do you go to church with your future husband now? My guess is you don't. Well, continue that practice as you have kids. Neither of you should try to influence your kids one way or the other on the topic. (I think this should go as a general rule for all parents, including those who subscribe to the same religion - but yeah, that'll never happen.) If your kid(s) want to go to church with your husband one week, great. If they want to stay home the next, fine. They may reach one conclusion or another on their own, but the point is that it will be their conclusion. To force any religion or no religion on kids is indeed child abuse, IMO.

You see a lot of responses from "Christians" on here who just can't believe that your future husband tolerates you at all, and it would "definitely be a problem, because Jesus is my rock," blah blah blah etc. All that means is that their dogmatic bigotry is more important to them than an actual human relationship. Who really agrees with their partner on all points? Anybody? And sure, sometimes the differences are a deal breaker, but not always. I firmly believe it's more a question of personalities than abstract beliefs.

Anyway, the phenomenon of "Minister's Daughter Syndrome" is notorious, as is its converse, the "Young Republican Child of Hippies Syndrome." Kids often rebel against their parents for the sake of rebellion. At least you'll have two different viewpoints native to your household, so your kids won't know what to rebel against...lol. I'm sort of joking here, but I'm sort of serious.

P.S. - I just read your addition - "Christian" school should definitely be OUT. I may have been giving your future husband more credit than he was worth. But I stand by my remarks, generally speaking.

Answer 2

Well go to church as a family but I can see it being a problem because Atheism is a sin against the first commandment. The one thing you may have in common is the importance of charity. If you get a chance try to read St.Thomas Aquinas writings, he gives a good explination with reason on the teachings of God and the Church. Link Below.

Answer 3

My husband and I had the same problem in our relationship initially. He was a member of Sukyo Mahikari, which is a Japanese cult that claims that Jesus wasn’t crucified, his twin brother died on the cross in his place, Jesus was Japanese, buried in Japan, and lived to be 106, have kids, and marry Mary Magdalene. This religion further claimed that the founder of their religion was the true savior and that Jesus was just a prophet. Idol worship was rampant…they were playing around with spirits and such…it was bad news. I was a Christian and as you can see our beliefs were completely different. If we were to tell our children both belief systems they would be utterly confused. To me, there was really no way to do it. I was terrified for my husband and our hypothetical children because if they chose to side with my husband…according to my belief they would go to hell. I eventually decided that I couldn’t marry him if he was still a member of this cult and God answered my prayer and changed his heart. If you’re dead set against Christianity you’re going to have a problem because trust me…those Baptists are some of the strongest believers there are and I highly doubt your husband is going to allow you to talk to them about Atheism when he believes, as I do, that non-believers will go to hell…he won’t want to risk the salvation of his children. Quite a tangled web.

Answer 4

You must receive pre-marital counseling and hash this question out with mature counselors to guide you.

"How to raise the children" and "how to spend the money" are two hard questions that starry-eyed romantics often don't want to face head-on. However, if you don't face them head-on before you get married, the problems that arise afterward will destroy your marriage.

It's good that you're facing this now.

If I were you, I would let him take the kids to church, but I'd also let them know that you personally don't believe in God (and explain why), and that you believe they should decide for themselves what they believe when they get older.

If you and your fiance can't arrive at a solution to this, then please do not get married!

Answer 5

How could you marry someone with such a different view of life? How can you support each other emotionally when you get your support from different places? Before you worry about what you will teach your future children. . .you should focus on what is going to hold you together through life with your partner. This could be the cause of some major major disagreements. Just something to think about.

Hon, reread your question. You are already upset about what your kids are going to do and you don't even have any yet. As the father he would have the right to take them to church, as the mother you would have the right to not want them to go. . .so who wins? In a marriage you can not have one winner. And, this is not about letting the kids choose religion. It is about building a solid relationship with someone who understands you and supports you in every way.

Answer 6

Your additional details, say it all. I would say that before children came into the mix, how does he handle and honor your lifestyle choice?

For once children are in the equation, it will be manifested by 1000. Babies don't have a choice and by the time they do, they've been formed with what they know. Which is what they have been taught.

You know him, all we can do is perhaps introduce you to a thought that perhaps you haven't thought of yourself. Your children would piece it together in ways that you don't foresee. They always do, their genius's that way.

Answer 7

Chrissy, I would reconsidder the marriage honestly.

I have been married for 10 years and have been through many religious evolutions, You will be better suited to find someone who shares your religious beliefs because as soon as kids are involved the stakes are too high to maintain a friendly truce, and it will most likely lead to divorce.

Hate to be negative, but thats just the way things typically turn our. Good luck.

Answer 8

In my first marriage, I was (and still am) atheist, and my wife was Catholic. Things were fine for two years, until we had our daughter. Things went to heck in a hand-basket really quick then.

Whereas before my daughter I respected her beliefs and I thought she respected mine. Turns out that was a lie. When my daughter came along, all bets were off. I still respected her beliefs, but she pulled a 180 on respecting mine.

My sincere advise to you is to sit down with your mate and SERIOUSLY discus this. Make SURE he is okay with teaching your child BOTH beliefs and letting the child make up their mind on their own. Please, please, please do this, it is worth your time. If he shows any hesitancy in agreeing, then you should consider moving along with your life elsewhere, no matter how painful that may be.

Oh, yea, my new wife and I are BOTH atheist!

Answer 9

You should not get married, at least not to each other. With beliefs that are so different you will make each other miserable. Even before you have kids, you will be denying the existence of the God the he believes has saved him and has created him and orders his life. You will feel like you married a man who believes in a fairy tale, so you will not respect him. A marriage that faces these issues will be unhappy.

Answer 10

You are correct for being concerned. Marriage and raising children is tough enough without such a huge difference in fundamental beliefs. I strongly suggest you and he work something out before you get married and if you cannot you should reconsider the marriage.