how does a new grandmother respond to a daughter-in-law who is very controlling and exploitive?

Question

My daughter-in-law has angrily told me she won't allow me to babysit my two year old grandaughter, yet she wanted me to stay standing with the baby outside her house, for two hours so she could sleep. I was to bring the baby back up stairs at lunchtime but then I was not allowed to eat with them. How am I supposed to respond to this manipulative, exploitive, abusive, attitude?

Answer 1

first off i must say this no matter what you did or didnt do to use a child in any situation is pathetic and childish. Not allowing you to babysit your granddaughter, then demanding you stand outside with her so she can sleep sounds like an immature mother/ woman to me. My nephew's gf did something similiar to his mother, so my sister told my nephew if you dont want me to babysit/ and are gonna allow me to be treated this way for my grandchild, i'm sorry but good luck. 3 yrs ago my great neice asked her daddy why she didnt have a grandma from him,. well that made him look at things differently and he is closer today with his mother than ever. sometimes we have to make a tough decision, if your son and your daughter in law are going to treat you this way, i know you love your grandchild, but i ask you this if she see's that they arnt respecting you, why would she as she grows older. good luck and i'm terribly sorry for both you and your grandchild.

Answer 2

Talk with her respectfully but clearly, Tell her you want to help her with the baby, but you can't unless she treat you with more respect.
Give her some options, if she is not going to allow you in her home, then you can take the baby to yours, that's the only option if not, you can't help her. You have to be firm, you deserve respect.

when my son just born I was a little sensitive with my mother in law because husband and father in law keep talking about how she was better or such a perfect mom, making unfair comparison's, they make me feel bad and resentful,other time I didn't trust her taking the baby to her home because once she give her some "naturist" medicine without my authorization when I was giving him some prescribed. When I found out she was making this on my back I loosed the trust. But if you haven't done anything to loose her thrust or respect you should demand respect, in a nice way.

Don't put your son in the difficult situation of choosing between you two, is very unfair, try to be civilized, that's what we did, we end up talking and making peace, she apologize and I offer her to thrust again in her, she even take the baby out of town once with my authorization to visit family.
Also, think if you could have done some comment that make her feel that way, the typical "when my son was this age I give him only natural or home make food or I never used those awful disposable diapers, etc." this comments are usually not welcome. Be sensitive, new moms are usually more sensible to comments.

Hope you can get to an understanding, good luck!

Answer 3

WOW!!!! Sounds to me like you and your daughter in law have some issues to take care of. You cannot have a good relationship with your family if you and she don't get along. I don't know what happened to make er feel this way. But it is odd that she will let you babysit the baby outside but not be indoors with the 2 year old. It would certainly be interesting to know more of the story? If you were hurting the babies she sure isn't going to let you watch the lil one. I have never heard of this. Have you tried to ask her what the problem is? What does your son think of the whole thing? He must know and if not I would most definitely tell him so it can get talked about.But if I can't be welcome in the house of my son and one child then have my son and said child over to see you and bring the baby. If the mom don't wanna see you that's her problem then I guess huh? Well I don't think i helped much but I wish you the best of luck. And I pray your family gets together soon. God Bless!

Answer 4

You're kidding, right? I can't imagine anyone telling ANYONE, especially grandmom, to stand outside holding a baby for 2 hours. Thank goodness you didn't do it. You have to be careful what you say, because your son loves this woman. He may confront her after you tell him this tale... and she may totally deny it all and make you look like a liar. And he may believe her. If this is really true... you need to be able to have a very small recording device handy so you can prove it.

To add: "On the move" makes a VERY good point as well. Take a good look at your relationship and make sure there wasn't something you did or said, even unintentionally, that could have provoked her behavior. Be honest.

Answer 5

There's got to be more to the story than this. She just randomly got angry and said you couldn't babysit? There has to be something going on. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother in law, so I can tell you what would have helped with me - I would suggest trying to talk to your daughter in law directly first, to see why she is so upset with you. If you go behind her back and talk to your son first, without first trying to work with your daughter in law, its going to anger her further. Be very polite, saying you want to have a better relationship and you're concerned she's angry with you. See where that takes you. If you get nowhere or she is truly unreasonable, then you should talk to your son and maybe suggest you all talk together and see if that helps.

I'm not saying you have to take her abuse, but I suggest you find the root of the problem and try to work things out, because whether you like it or not, she is the mother of your grandchild and she is the key to you having a relationship with your grandchild. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Tell her "No". You are an adult. It sounds like she isn't one yet. Tell her straight out that her behavior is unacceptable. I have called out doctors who were ragging on an employee in public (in the waiting room) and you certainly have the right as an adult to call a person on unacceptable behavior. If you think she will abuse the child if she doesn't get her sleep, then you and your son have a much greater problem. A two year old should be sleeping the night through and nap in the afternoon and the mother should be doing the same.

Answer 7

Stop helping her, why did you say with the baby outside the house for two hours?? She obviously knows you will just cave in. You need to stick up for yourself.

Where is your son? Can he help with this situation?? It is a dicey relationship between daughter in law and mother in law. Make sure you aren't doing anything to make her feel the need to demonstrate her authority. Remember, it is her kid. She shouldn't be treating you this way, but it might be response to something else...

Answer 8

Just say NO!! Tell her if she wants you to watch the child you will do it at your house and she can sleep as long as she wishes. I would never stand outside my DIL's house and watch her baby like that its bs!! Talk with your son but I have a feeling its gonna be a hard road.

Answer 9

Sit down with her and your son. Maybe there was something you or she did in the past before the baby thats causing it. Try talking about it with your son and daughter in law at the same time, you may get to the bottom of it.

Answer 10

OH MY GOSH I WOULD NOT TAKE THAT. What a snotty disrespectful ungrateful person....that makes me so angry...She needs help. Makes you watch the baby for 2 hours and doesnt even let you in the house or stay and eat? WHAT A LOSER. Sorry, but that just really angers me that individual can stoop SO low like that. When i said i would not take that, i don't mean i'd kill her - I mean i'd stick up for myself.