Q) How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Change? Are you kidding me?
Sorry....I had to. I'm a Baptist and I know how things are.
2007-05-17 04:17:47 · 10 answers · asked by primoa1970 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
A:
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
A:
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Q:
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Q:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)
A:
None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!
Q:
How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q:
How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
Q:
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
Q:
How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q:
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Change?????
Q:
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q:
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But soon all thoses around can warm up to its glowing.
Q:
How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Q:
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Q:
How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.
Greek Orthodox: The whole congregation. The priest changes the light bulb. Then all faithful celebrate with red wine, ouzo, gyros, souvlaki, baklava, etc. to turn it into an ancient tradition of the annual light creating feast day.
Q:
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But they are still in darkness.
Q:
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Into what?
...
2007-05-17 04:24:07 · answer #1 · answered by opalist 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Dear Primo,
Very cute!
After being in the R&S section for nearly a year I'm starting to think that one of the signs of a TRUE Christian is the ability to laugh at oneself.
For His glory,
JOYfilled
Edit: I belonged to a United Church of Christ in New England for several years and it was pretty similar when the subject of change came up - "But we've ALWAYS done it THIS way!".
2007-05-17 11:45:03 · answer #2 · answered by JOYfilled - Romans 8:28 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
HA HA! Cute!
Here's one from me---
What is the difference between Methodists and Baptists? What Methodists call fellowship, Baptists call sin...
2007-05-17 11:21:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
actually there needs to be a committee formed to explore the idea to change then it needs a old fashioned pot luck supper then decide that there is no need to change then dis-ban the committee.
I'm a baptist and I like it just the way it is.
2007-05-17 11:23:22 · answer #4 · answered by lizardman 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This made me laugh! I am not baptist but it fits most religious organizations quite well!
2007-05-17 11:20:56 · answer #5 · answered by Laura H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
God never Changes. Amen
Hebrews 13:8 - Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.
Man Changes:
Romans 1:23 - And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
Romans 1:25 - Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
Romans 1:26 - For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
1 Corinthians 15:51 - Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
1 Corinthians 15:52 - In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.
2 Corinthians 3:18 - But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.
Galatians 4:20 - I desire to be present with you now, and to change my voice; for I stand in doubt of you.
Philippians 3:21 - Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.
1 Thessalonians 4:16 - For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
Hebrews 1:12 - And as a vesture shalt thou fold them up, and they shall be changed: but thou art the same, and thy years shall not fail.
Hebrews 7:12 - For the priesthood being changed, there is made of necessity a change also of the law.
Hebrews 7:24 - But this man, because he continueth ever, hath an unchangeable priesthood.
Jude 1:9 - Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.
2007-05-17 20:26:57 · answer #6 · answered by deacon 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
cute, Primo--I grew up Southern Baptist & I understand
2007-05-17 12:50:30 · answer #7 · answered by wanda3s48 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
*smile*
It takes a committee and about 10 years in my church!
2007-05-17 11:23:40 · answer #8 · answered by G's Random Thoughts 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Good one!
2007-05-17 11:20:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Funny. I still don't like you, but funny.
:)
2007-05-17 11:23:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋