My daughter moved out of the house at 18, before graduating high school but is still finishing. She was angry over a fight she and my husand (her adopted father) got into, was charged with domestic violence which she pleaded quilty for and now wont speak to me. She says I should have divorced him. Now I believe she is in an abusive relationship. She wont answer my calls and if I text her, her bf will text me back something extremely rude and pretend it is from her (she doesnt believe me). Now I believe she is into drinking and drugs and I know he is infuencing her. How do I get to her and help her. Seems there is nothing I can do. I have even thrown the husband out of the house. Why is she so angry with me, all I tried to do is help her! I love both of them but now I sit home alone. How do I choose between them and how do I get my daughter to speak with me again? I know the drugs and bf are a huge influence and I know she doesnt want to live here because there are rules.
2007-05-17 03:25:37 · 11 answers · asked by Marciea 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
As your screen name so aptly points out ... STEP BACK!
YOU can make the offer of having intelligent conversation with your daughter -- and then it is her choice on what to do.
YOUR daughter did the crime (Domestic Violence), and given that she has not made an effort to IMPROVE her behaviors at this time (and has made it worse by moving in with a boyfriend, into drugs and drinking, seems to be a substance abuser) and is in a controlling relationship, the ONLY way she is going to WANT to improve herself, her health, and her status is when ...
THIS ADULT CHILD CHOOSES to do so ...
Because the consequences of NOT changing have forced her to WANT to change at that time.
She OBVIOUSLY does not want to change, either her addictive behaviors, her personal attitudes towards yourself/your spouse, nor does she see anything wrong right now with her selected live-in relationship.
LET her live with the consequences. Be aware that you need to have the phone numbers of shelters available for HER in case she needs help to leave (as well as programs that will take her in to rehab for withdrawal and support newer (and healthier) lifestyles).
SHE made her choices. YOU made yours. RELAX!
PS ... Do you know how much of a THRILL it is to have PEACE, QUIET and RELAXATION in your home ... no Toxic Teens, no Toxic Behaviors .. just the JOY of coming home to YOUR own home that YOUR hard work paid for and KNOWING That you do NOT have to cater to any toxic people anymore! I can tell you from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ... what JOY! What a THRILL! I am so HAPPY now that it is just GREAT! What a RELIEF to NOT have the stress of Toxic behaviors and problems of a difficult teen in the home .. and that is for SURE! PLUS .. Sitting down is something I can FINALLY do .. because my home is NOW JUST FOR ME ... and my income ... I can FINALLY TREAT MYSELF and enjoy the NEWLY Learned and Discovered Activities that I am learning about .. and that includes newly discovered and HIDDEN TALENTS that I never knew I had all these long, long years of life!
2007-05-17 04:23:02 · answer #1 · answered by sglmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am 29 now but clearly remember those days, when I was 16 I left home (alot had to do with my moms boyfriend). I was very unlucky, just a few months after we started talking good again right before my 18th Bday, she was killed in a car crash.
right now your daughter is probably angry in general, at you, your husband and alot more. She will feel betrayed, and the fact that you kicked the man out will help some, but she still feels hurt by what has already happened. There is no telling how long it will take.
Just don't nag her, definitely don't make any ultimatums or threats, and don't say you know how she feels(because you don't exactly and that one statement will make her extremely mad)
Just keep in contact by leaving messages letting her know you will always be there, you will always love her the same, and that all you want is to see, talk to , and hug her again.
2007-05-17 05:56:32 · answer #2 · answered by Aurain_Lorraine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorry to hear about your situation. i know how much our children mean to us and how you must be worrying.
you should not have to throw your husband out because of your daughter's feelings (or don't you love him anymore?). YOU have the right to some happiness,too... You are not helping your daughter by making your husband leave, but rather, cutting off your nose to spite your face...
if your daughter is into drugs and an abusive relationship there isn't much you can do short of trying to let her know you care and that you're there if she needs you...
someday (i hope sooner than later) your daughter will probably see the light, and do something to better her life. YOU have no control over what she does, however.
she is likely angry because she is at an age where she is craving some independence, and likely feels you interfered with her choices. We all know you were trying to help her, but that's not the way she looks at things right now.
Another thing to consider is, your daughter appears to be a child of divorce. sometimes the after-effects of divorce on a child can be devastating...we are sometimes deeply affected as the result of family problems and other situations. you would know best what occurred in your own family.
you can probably get help for yourself by considering some therapy... maybe this would help? a therapist could help you cope and possibly offer some advice about your relationship with your daughter.
i hope your daughter comes home soon.... take care of YOU in the meantime. please stop sitting around and waiting, and take measures to get help for yourself. YOU matter too!
hugs
2007-05-17 03:41:29 · answer #3 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your husband was not guilty, you did wrong in throwing him out of house. That may give wrong signals of a weak mother to your daughter.
As far as she is concerned, complain to police naming both of them. She may get jailed for drugs but will come out a better human and out of the influence of her thug bf.
You should stand upright and not bend extra, she has to understand the value of relationship with you and learn some values, otherwise she will make your life a living hell. Better cut a gangrene off, then making other parts rot.
Besides this, don't leave your efforts to bring her to senses, whenever that happens, will be a new birth for her.
God Bless You!
2007-05-17 03:46:33 · answer #4 · answered by sanjay 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, how would you feel if your parents had pressed charges on you? The very people who are supposed to help and protect you, punish you like that. Now she has a record and doesn't trust you. Besides she may feel like you chose your husband over her regardless if you threw him out or not...too little too late. All you can do is keep trying and ALWAYS be there for her no matter what!! It seems like she is headed down a path of destruction...just don't let her go!!
2007-05-17 03:36:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's not much you can do but wait. Your daughter needs to make her own mistakes, and at that age she will. My mother and I went through the same thing. It took my quite a few yrs to figure out I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at myself. I had alot of issues to work through, and come to realize I could talk to my mom about it.When she's ready she will come to you. I understand that's hard, being a parent now myself. But now my mother is my best friend. Good luck.
2007-05-17 03:39:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well there is really nothing that you can do but while she is living there she does have to follow rules. if she chooses not to follow them then she has to go becaue now she is affecting your life in a negative way. she has to live and learn, more now than ever since she wont take your help or listen to you
2007-05-17 03:34:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
welllll.. am not jugjing but she obviouslly feels a bit betrayed becuase you didnt back her up in court and she had to plead guilty.. maybe its not her.. maybe her bf is influencing her not to talk to you..keep on tryin to talk to her am sure she luvs u .. keepp on trying and she will come round!!
2007-05-17 03:31:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I SAY YOU GOTTA PICK YOUR MAN, IF KIDS TURN TO CRAP AFTER 18 YEARS, YOU HAVE DONE YOUR JOB THE BEST YOU COULD, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO CUT HER LOOSE, SHE IS GROWN AND HAS MADE BAD ADULT DECISIONS. BE GLAD SHE IS GONE AND NOW YOU CAN START LIVING YOUR LIFE HAPPILLY AND WITHOUT ALL OF HER DRAMA. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOUR KID HAS MADE THE WRONG CHOICES, ESPECIALLY AFTER YEARS OF TEACHING HER THE RIGHT PATHS. BE STRONG, GET OVER IT, ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
2007-05-17 03:34:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you go see her? Instead of sitting at home. visit her.
2007-05-17 03:30:23 · answer #10 · answered by jc7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋